I pressed on, adding a note of regret to my tone. “Indeed, a woman of my limited refinement might bring embarrassment to such a distinguished household as Lady Catherine’s.” I gave a small, sorrowful sigh for effect. “I trust she will not be too disappointed with me, knowing you could have done so much better.”
“I…” He tilted his head. “Why, Cousin! Whatever do you mean?”
“Oh, surely, Mr. Collins, you must know that I cannot cook. I do not even know how to boil water without scalding myself.”
“Well, naturally, Cousin, that skill could be learned in time.”
“And I can hardly read.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I beg your pardon?”
I shrugged. “I’m afraid it is all a sham—every bit of it. All the times you have seen me with my Papa’s books, the things I try to say to Mary—fake. All of it. I can barely make out my own name, and it is not for want of effort. I believe there is something wrong with my eyes—it must be hereditary, for Mama is the same. Theletters swim all over the page, andpoof. I cannot make heads of tails of them. Fancymebeing good enough for a parson’s wife, illiterate and unable to cook! Good sir you aretookind.”
“Well!” He swallowed and glanced to the side. “I… ah… Surely, Cousin, that would matter little once we are married.”
“Oh, I dearly hoped you would say that. You are too good,” I gushed. “Mama told me never to say a word of it to anyone, and Ialmostnever have, but you are so terribly generous and kind-hearted that I doubt you shall even be disappointed that I cannot have children.”
Mr. Collins blinked, clearly thrown off course. “Miss Bennet, I... I had not considered—” He gulped and leaned toward me with a questioning look. “Ah… you will forgive my indelicacy, Cousin, but… exactlyhoware you aware of this… infirmity?”
I shook my head mournfully. “I was not ‘usual’ like my sisters when they came into womanhood, and Mama brought in a midwife to confirm it. But truly, what is that in light of a lifetime of happiness? Oh, Mr. Collins, you have made me the happiest woman alive! I daresay even Lady Catherine will become accustomed to me in time. You know I can hardly hold my tongue in company, but as she is such a great lady, I’ve no doubts that she will bring even my stubborn tongue to heel.”
The wheels in his head started turning, and I could see the moment he began reconsidering his offer. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he spoke again. “Yes, well... Lady Catherine does prefer a certain... level of decorum, that is true. And I had hoped…” He cleared his throat and bit his lip. “Of course, in my position as your father’s heir, I had hoped for a son of my own one day.”
I let my face collapse in sorrow. “Then… are you saying I am not good enough for you? That you would put me aside for such a little thing?”
“Well! It is hardly a little thing when it is one of my chief requirements in… That is to say, I had certain expectations, and… well…”
I nodded in understanding. “That is what the last gentleman said. Oh, I really ought to have listened to Mama and not said a word. But truly, Mr. Collins, I would absolve you of any wrong if you chose to retract your offer. I think perhaps you should seek a lady of... quieter manners. Someone truly worthy of Hunsford.”
He nodded, looking increasingly convinced that this was all his idea. “Exactly as I was thinking, Miss Bennet. I see now that, in my eagerness, I may have overlooked certain... qualities. It is possible Lady Catherine would prefer someone with... greater refinement.”
I smiled sweetly. “You are wise, Mr. Collins. I’m sure you will find someone more suitable in no time.”
By the time I excused myself from the room, Mr. Collins was nodding so vigorously that I feared he might dislodge his wig. But at least he was no longer proposing.
Imade my waystraight to my father’s study after that little debacle. A victory like that deserved an audience, and Father would certainly appreciate the performance.
I knocked once, not bothering to wait for a response before slipping inside. “Papa, I have important news.”
He glanced up from his book, an amused eyebrow raised. “Well, Lizzy, what could possibly be important enough to interrupt my reading?”
“I have just refused a very eligible offer of marriage. I believe it is now your duty to denounce me as the most ungrateful daughter in all of Hertfordshire.”
Papa’s lips twitched, but he held his composure remarkably well. “Ah, yes. I have long awaited this moment. And how shall I go about denouncing you? Shall I send you out into the snow to fend for yourself? Perhaps your mother will build a gallows in the back garden.”
“Only if there’s room beside her gardenias,” I quipped, settling into the chair across from him.
He chuckled and set his book aside. “Come now, Lizzy. Who’s the poor soul who had the misfortune of proposing to you? Mr. Collins, I presume?”
I nodded. “Indeed. I believe I handled him quite well.”
Papa leaned back, smirking. “I imagine you sent him running for the hills?”
I shook my head, feigning modesty. “Not at all. I simply... encouraged him to realize that he was the one who should retract the offer.”
Papa let out a bark of laughter. “Good girl. Well done, Lizzy. I feared for a moment I might actually have to approve of the match. A relief, truly. I daresay you’ve spared him a lifetime of misery, though your mother may never forgive you for it.”
“I’m certain I shall recover,” I said airily. “But now that I am officially off the market—at least in Mr. Collins’ mind—what am I to do with the rest of my time?”
