May 1900
“Jane,howisyourhead?” Elizabeth extended the steaming cup of coffee, but Jane waved it off.
“Oh, please, take it away, Lizzy. My stomach is still sick.” She cautiously lifted the cool cloth lying over her eyes. “And anyway, you look like you need that coffee more than I do.”
“I have already had two cups,” Elizabeth sighed. “Another, and any hope of sleeping a wink tonight will be long gone.”
Jane made no verbal reply, but one hand resumed its place kneading her forehead, while the other sought Elizabeth’s in comfort.
“Are you still dizzy when you rise?”
Jane’s answer was more of a groan.
A tear slipped down Elizabeth’s cheek, and she brushed it away before another could join it. She swallowed, waiting for the tightness in her throat to subside so her voice would not waver. “We should never have gone out—I should never have made you come with me! I never knew myself for a fool, but such I most certainly am.”
“A fool?” Jane squinted beneath her cloth again. “Was it a fool who felt so much concern for a sister that she wished to search her out? No, indeed, for you were right about Lydia! Was it a fool who sought company, rather than going alone? Only think how dreadful if youhadbeen alone!” Jane shivered violently.
Elizabeth’s eyes had become fixed on some unseen point out the window. “I was a fool to think nothing might come of it. Oh, how careless I was! All those times I went where no rational woman would. Vanity! And to think I expected to solve any predicament with the speed of my horse or the weight of steel. I brought this on myself, Jane. It was not one incident, but months of thoughtless—”
“Stop it, Lizzy!”
Elizabeth pressed her lips, but when her words could no longer bubble forth, the tears did.
Jane raised up from her pillows, though it clearly cost her a deal of suffering to do so. “Why should you blame yourself for one lecherous brute’s actions? Do you not have the right to visit Papa, as you always did? I only wished I was as brave as you and could ride fast enough to keep up. You gave our father joy with each visit; I know you did. Will you now hide in fear because there are other people in the world, and they are not all good? No, no! That is not the Lizzy I know.”
“I was irresponsible. Uncle warned me. The colonel warned me, and even Papa would make comments now and again on how I appeared. I put myself in danger time and again. How must it have looked to Jake Bryson?”
“Jake Bryson was a delusional pig.”
“Why, Jane Bennet! I have never heard you disapprove of anyone!”
“I am in the foulest mood I ever have been. Allow my headache to subside, and I shall find some way to redeem his flaws. For today, I am inclined to think him the vilest man who ever walked. He would have seen what he wanted to see, no matter what you did.”
“But it was I he singled out, and it was because of my actions.”
“Lizzy, you are not making sense! Even with a pounding head, I can think clearly enough to see that. If the fault is anyone’s, it is Lydia’s for sneaking out and arranging to meet with him. You don’t think he would have acted any differently if you hadnotbeen going to see Papa out at the corrals?”
“Well, which of us did he grab—you, or me?”
“You were at the door before I was! How can you think of it any differently? You did what you had to do to protect yourself.”
“And now a man is dead by my hand. How could I not re-examine each point of blame that is my own?”
“Lizzy,” Jane groaned and sank back to the pillows, “I want to help you, I really do, but I cannot debate you even when I am not dizzy, and even less so now. Please… perhaps Aunt can help?”
Elizabeth glanced regretfully at the door. “I am sorry, Jane, that was dreadful of me. I only came in here because I could bear no more of Mama’s laments, but I had not intended to trouble you. I’ll go.”
“What is Mama saying?”
“Oh! Everything and nothing. All her friends are shunning her for the wanton ways of her daughters, and it was terribly selfish of me not to have done my best to engage Bryson honourably, so we could eventually all go back and live on the ranch when he inherits it.”
“Good heavens!”
“That is not the half of it, but I will spare you the rest. I’m going out for some fresh air. I hope your head feels better soon.”
Jane sagged as Elizabeth stepped away from the bed, and she felt a pang of remorse for troubling her sister just then. However, apart from her uncle and aunt, who were busy trying to shield her public image, and her father, who was required back at the corrals, there was only Jane she could really talk to. Jane, and….
She shook her head as she closed the door. No, the colonel should not be troubled with her problems. Kind, gallant, concerned he had been, but his business—his life—was elsewhere.
