"Hmmm," Porcha hmmd, a sound she made when she disagreed but didn't feel like continuing to argue.
"I'm sure I'll get a bill in the mail," I said.
"Hmmm," Porcha hmmd again. "Did the contractor say anything else about your mysterious husband?"
"He said he was dedicated to my safety," I said.
Then it clicked. Vlacul had been leaving me presents. Did he actually talk to the contractor? How weird was that, sneaking around but coming straight out to show himself to some random guy in my space.
Even though it was weird, it made me feel good too.
The idea that the guy who wanted to be my man was double checking that things were done properly around my property… I loved that.
"Lamia, you told me that the random man who assaulted you at the bar said he was already in the house," Porcha said.
"It wasn't a random guy, it was Vlacul," I said. "You know, the alien I agreed to mate with a bdsm contract that covers con-non-con in great detail. We have safe words. If anyone assaulted anyone, it was me coming on to him. I’m suppose to attack him like rawr I’m gonna get you, not jump his bones."
"Lamia, you were drunk off your ass, he trapped you in a bathroom, he never said his name was Vlacul, and he looked like a human," Porcha said.
"He had one of those holographic disguises on," I said. "Vlacul has a broken horn. I saw it in the picture they showed me. That guy had a broken horn. I felt it."
"Lamia, you were really drunk," Porcha said.
I rolled my eyes. I loved Porcha so much. She was never afraid to be intense or cutting with her words and having someone around who was blunt was great, but at the same time, sometimes it felt like she was the one who wanted to be my boyfriend.
“You’re one to talk about taking advantage of me while I’m drunk,” I said.
“We were both drunk!” Porcha spluttered out. “And you kissed me back!”
"Thats because my yes and no still work when I’m drunk," I said. "I wasn’t blacked out and I drink enough that I know when I'm being a slut versus being taken advantage of, and I was definitely being a slut for my alien stalker boyfriend, with whom I agreed to play these kinds of games."
I knew drinking as much as I did wasn't good for my long-term health, but I had fun, and I wasn't in my twenties anymore. I knew how to ride the fine line between fun and a mess, and I wasn't going to let anyone define my choices as anything other than my own. If I had blacked out or was slurring so much I couldn't communicate, that was a much different thing from me egging my mate on because I wanted a quickie in a bar bathroom.
"Your life isn't a game," Porcha said.
"My life is exactly that, my life," I reply. "I choose who and how and what goes into my body."
"Lamia," Porcha sighed.
"Stop labeling my experiences for me, Porcha," I shot back. "You're just jealous that we’re too straight for each other and you know it."
There was a long silence on the phone, and my delight caused me to sit up in the bath and lean towards the phone.
"You ARE jealous!" I crowed.
"I'm not... jealous..." Porcha hedged, and I knew I had her.
"You so are," I said. "Oh my god, Porcha, get that stick out of your ass and go sign up for the mate matching service already. Get one that can hang out with mine!"
There was another long pause, and my grin grew and grew.
"Maybe I will," she muttered.
"Yaaaaaaaaas do it!" I giggled. "Double dates are definitely on my list."
"I'm still not sure how I feel about being matched with an alien who needs courtship to be so… stalkery," Porcha said, going back to her uptight voice that I loved so much. She always sounded like she was on the verge of delivering a lecture, and it was hilarious knowing what I knew about her.
"You might not get one of the ones that require a detailed contract," I said. "You might end up with a Norratar and then you can go on all the coffee dates you like before you decide to jump on that tentacle di-"
