She innocently shrugged before turning her attention back to Hal and the kids. I did the same but not before setting my hand over hers and giving it a squeeze.
Not long after that did Hal—ahem, Santa—judge the various gingerbread houses. We didn’t place in the top three, but we won “best teamwork.”
Turned out, Lily and I worked better together than I realized. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or if it meant I was completely and utterly fucked.
31
LILY
On our walkback to my apartment from the Christmas festival, Gabe told me more about his best friend Liam and showed me a handful of photos that Liam had sent over the last few weeks. Most of them were selfies of Liam and Beans, Gabe’s cat.
It was nice to get a small glimpse into Gabe’s life in Milwaukee, even if there was a pinch in my chest at the thought of him leaving. That had always been the plan, and yet, I wanted to slow down time. We were more than halfway done with my list and had four things left to cross off: signing up for baking classes, romantic kiss under the mistletoe, visiting Milwaukee, and seeing a shooting star.
We’d taken the long way back to my apartment, but the building was coming into view.
I searched for a conversation—anything to keep us walking longer—but Gabe beat me to it. He asked, “Have you ever been in love?”
The question wasn’t what I expected, but I didn’t mind. I shook my head. “I haven’t. What about you?”
“Me neither,” he answered. “What do you think it feels like?”
I kept my gaze on the snow-covered ground, but I could imagine the slight crease forming between his brows, like it typically did when he was deep in thought. “This is going to sound so painfully cheesy, but…like every day is Christmas.”
He barked out a laugh. “That’s about as cheesy as it gets.”
I turned my head to look at him, my smile widening. I swore his face brightened in return.
“What specifically about Christmas would it feel like?”
“That excitement and giddiness of waking up on Christmas Day. I think you would feel a version of that every day. That happiness to wake up and see your person. To hear about their day. To do literally anything with them because it’sthem. My parents could be doing the most mundane tasks together and yet they’re having fun. Wes—who hates shopping with every fiber of his being—lights up when Jules asks if they could go to the store. When she told me about how he sits in the fitting room waiting for her to show him every single outfit, I was convinced we were talking about two different people. But he’s happy to do that because he loves her so deeply. And, actually, it was my brother who earlier this month talked about how because of Jules the year overall feels more magical.”
Gabe stayed quiet.
“What about you?” I asked. “What do you think it feels like?”
He set his hand over where his heart was, rubbing at the spot.
“I think if you had asked me at the start of the month, I would’ve told you I don’t know. I never saw my parents in love. It always felt like it was a business transaction for them. And I grew up thinking that’s how it was for everyone. That, yeah, if you were one of the select few, love could be more. But for most people, it was transactional. I’ll do this if you do that.
“But now…” He let out a sigh. “I think it feels…like your heart is living outside your body, which is both terrifying and special.”
“I think that’s beautiful, don’t you? That we can love someone so much that they feel like a piece of us. That we can be so connected to someone.”
“I do think it’s beautiful,” he agreed. “But…”
“Doesn’t mean it isn’t scary,” I filled in.
“Exactly.”
“I bet it’s less scary with the right person.” It had to be. Life was scary and intense—but it could also be so beautiful. Love helped take away some of that pressure.
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I sure hope so.”
Disappointment consumed me as we approached my apartment building. I turned toward Gabe, searching his face. I knew what he was going to say before the words came out.
“I shouldn’t,” he said quietly, voice strained.
“No, I get it.” I did my best to hide any emotion, plastering what I hoped looked like a cheery smile. The corner of my mouth wobbled, and I quickly turned around, grabbing my keys and pushing the door open. “Thanks for a fun night. I’ll see you tomorrow, Gabe. Merry Christmas Eve.”
