CHAPTER 1
Xander
A LITTLE LOST
Blood flowsover my knuckles to the tips of my fingers before dropping onto the freshly mowed, pristine grass. I sway a little, but I feel nothing. Not the pain in my chest that only seems to ease when there’s whiskey in my veins. Not the lacerations on the back of my hand. Not the anger or the grief that’s taken over my life and settled in so deep that it owns me.
My eyes glaze over the dark gray stone before me. My parents’ names glimmer on their joint tombstone under the moonlit sky. Perfectly engraved.
I love you. Today. Tomorrow. In the afterlife.
It was what they always said to each other. After nearly fifty years of marriage, they were still madly in love with each other. Even after Mom died, my dad never entertained another woman. That’s real loyalty. Something impossible to find these days. Other than my brothers, I trust no one.
Slowly, I bring the bottle to my lips and take a long pull, letting the heat drag me farther into the numbness.
You’re a good man, Xander. You’re just a little lost right now. In time, you’ll figure out how to heal, and someone will love you as deeply as your mom loved me. I can hardly wait to meet her; I already know she’s going to be the sunshine of thisfamily. Don’t let her slip through your fingers because I can tell you from experience, my life wouldn’t have meant anything if I hadn’t met your mom.
They’re the last words my father ever said to me before he was brutally murdered. And now it’s echoing in my mind as I stand in the middle of the dark cemetery. I’m more than a little lost.
I was keeping it together until he was killed. The past year has been hell, but my dad was there for me through it all. Some of the darkest days were when all I could think about was putting a bullet in my own head. He was there, though. He and my brothers. They picked me up when I wouldn’t get out of bed.
Right on cue, my phone rings, and when I pull it from my pocket, I’m not surprised to see Cash’s name on the caller ID. My older brother and best friend. I stare at the screen, my blood-soaked hand shaking. It’s the third time he’s called tonight, and once again, I let it go to voicemail. I don’t want to talk. It won’t solve anything. It won’t mend my shattered heart or bring back our dad.
Instead, I came here to stand in this graveyard and down this expensive whiskey. Alone.
Normally, I’d prefer to drink in one of our many upscale bars on The Strip or while sitting at a poker table with some buddies as I rake in millions of dollars, but even I know I’m not good company at the moment.
Once I finish the bottle, I take one more look at my parents’ graves before I turn around and stumble toward my cherry-red Maserati.
I fumble for my keys. When I finally pull them from my pocket, they drop with a loud clatter.
Fuck.
Squinting at the ground, I bend and pick them up, then slide into the driver’s seat, thankful that the top is down so I don’t have to worry about hitting my head.
As soon as I press the ignition button, the engine roars to life. I shouldn’t be behind the wheel right now. I’m wise enough to know that. I’m also fucked up enough, both from liquor and in the head, to just not care. Maybe I’ll do the world a favor and miss one of the curves on my way home.
What’s the point anymore?
Caring gets you hurt.
It’s what tears you into pieces.
Painfully.
Caring for someone fucks with your mind.
It makes you vulnerable.
The last time I let my guard down, it blew up in my face. I let myself fall for her bullshit. Her cheating. Her fucking lies. And the entire time, she made me out to be the bad guy.
Too obsessive. Too controlling. Too dominant. Too much of everything except for what she wanted. I can’t deny that I’m those things. They’re who I am. And it’s what she liked in the beginning. Or that’s what she made me believe.
The wind on my face keeps me awake as I speed through the streets of Las Vegas. Everything passes by in a blur of bright lights, but I don’t pay it any attention.
I ease through the gates that lead into the underground parking lot of my apartment building. After I put the car in park, I look around, scanning the area. How did I get here so fast?
Everything around me tilts as I walk toward the keyed entrance that leads directly into my private elevator. Thank fuck it’s a fingerprint reader because there’s no way I’d be able to remember a code at the moment.
