I sighed deeply, feeling much older than thirty-five.
“Has she always been this . . .” I trailed off, trying to find the right adjective to describe my Pain Vessel.
“Unruly? Rude? Disrespectful? Cantankerous? Take your pick, they’re all accurate,” Ilyas supplied with little inflection. Her growing animosity toward me was affecting him as well. We’d started having sex less as a group, and, when we did finally all come together, she was quick to leave our bed.
Sex was a vital part of the Bond and an even more integral part of my nature as a Pleasure Mage. It rejuvenated me, kept me focused and calm. The rockiness of our relationship did not help settle the Bond in any way, and I rubbed at the spot in my chest where I felt like both Bonds lived. Ilyas’ Bond always strummed happily—the two of us nearly always in sync. Sasori’s felt sluggish and painfully tight, like it was trying to force itself from my soul completely.
I sat down heavily next to Ilyas, and his large, muscular arm instantly wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me close to his body. The heat from his skin seeped through both our tunics until it warmed my body, comforting me.
“Where did I go wrong with her, Ilyas?” I whispered brokenly. All I wanted was my Bonded’s happiness—for us to form a family when all of us were abandoned by our blood relations. But that dream was slipping further through myfingers each day and, the tighter I tried to hold onto it, the faster it seemed to fade.
“You didn’t,” Ilyas finally answered, and I felt his ocean-blue gaze on the side of my face. “You’ve been nothing but loving and supportive, never lifting your hand or voice in anger. We all know how most Mage-Vessel relationships work, and you provided her—us—something that was so much more than that. You’ve consulted us on every decision and, apart from tonight, rarely lorded your authority as our Mage. This is the very definition of ‘it’s not you, it’s her,’ Lex,” Ilyas cajoled. I felt the truth of his words in my bones but couldn’t get that feeling to overtake the darkness in my mind.
“She’s slipping away, Ilyas. And I don’t know what this Bond looks like without her,” I embarrassingly admitted. Ilyas simply hugged me tighter. I loved him with every piece of my being, but I knew, deep inside, that without a second Bond, something would always feel missing for me. I hated that I saddled him with that burden, with the feeling that he was never enough, but he insisted it was something he understood, that he didn’t hate me for it.
“Maybe it’s best just to let her go,” he said as he rested his cheek against my hair. I burrowed further into his embrace, soaking as much comfort as I could from him.
“I can’t. Not yet. I don’t even want to think about unBonding and what that would do to either of us—to all of us. I have to keep trying, Ilyas. I have to get through to her,” I pleaded.
Ilyas was silent for many minutes, letting my words hang in the air as we stared at the empty and cold fireplace. None of us had bothered to light it, letting the heat from our bodies warm the room instead, but now the room felt lifeless. As dead as the relationship with Sasori.
“Even though she disagrees with your allegiance to Rohak?” he asked.
“Rohak has been with me since before Sasori, she said she understood that. I don’t understand where all of this animosity is suddenly coming from. It’s like Alois declared himself king and suddenly he deserves every ounce of my allegiance. She knows it doesn’t work that way.”
I felt Ilyas nod against the top of my head.
“What else did Rohak say?” he asked, and I was grateful for the change in subject.
“We have to create that task force tomorrow. The entire newest class of cadets is accompanying us, and it will be up to you, me, Sasori, and Lord d’Refan to keep them in line. He doesn’t want to sacrifice the time of any other Mages.” Ilyas grunted in acknowledgment before I continued. “And Ellowyn will be accompanying us.”
Ilyas picked his head up and frowned slightly at my statement.
“He didn’t tell you anything more?”
I shook my head.
“No. Just that we need to keep an eye on her and, if anything strange happens, we need to report it to him immediately.”
Ilyas frowned. “What does he mean by ‘strange?’ She’s already a dual-Mage. I don’t know what could be stranger than that.”
I shrugged again.
“I don’t know, but he was adamant about it. He also indicated that my class size might swell with the incoming refugees. Apparently, Lord d’Refan wants as many as possible either enrolled in the Academy or pressed into the army.”
“Good distraction from everything, a good way to get revenge on those that put them in this situation,” Ilyas added thoughtfully. “Lots of changes ahead,” he whispered, and I nodded against him.
“Yeah,” I said.
I couldn’t help but feel like we were fighting a rising tide, like a growing wave that we could sense but not see. And, when we finally realized what was happening, it would be too late—the wave would crash, and we’d all drown under its weight.
Chapter 50
Ellowyn
The dozen horses whickered softly, their breath puffing in little white clouds around their noses and mouths as their hooves pawed against melting snow. I pulled the thick cloak tighter around me in a desperate bid to ward off the chill of the morning. The weather was finally starting to turn; the days were warming as the spring sun melted the icy evidence of the frigid winter, but the mornings were still cold and damp.
The only lucky part of my depression was that I barely felt the quick descent into winter and its lingering cold. Now, though, I felt it all and desperately prayed for a warm spring and quick summer.
