CHAPTER 15
Mara
The lakehouse was directly on the shores of Lake Mead, the backyard stretching down to the water. Desert rubble landscaping decorated the shore, with a few plants poking through, reaching towards the bright sun. A large patio was set on a piece of concrete, a railing setting it apart, with rustic, yet elegant furniture. The house itself had stone sections, almost like a castle, a calling back to the old times, and curved archways, the gate spires turning in romantic twists. It was hard to say how many rooms there were, maybe fifteen or more, but the living area, the kitchen, the lounge to the side, all of those common areas were spacious and refined.
I had expected refinement from Nate, but nothing like this.
A few of us—four professors, seven students, including me—sat in the chairs on the patio. Two long boards sat on either end of the table, set with a mix of hard and soft cheeses, creamy in color and speckled in darker flecks of herbs and spice. The crunch of crackers and people talking through stuffed mouths grew in volume. Glasses of wine and sangria were being continuously refilled. I nursed my first glass. I had to take it slow. I didn’t want to embarrass myself again, and I didn’t want to say something I had meant to keep secret. Our secret. Nate and me.
Still, it was the first time I was at his house. It felt personal. Intimate, even with everyone else around us. Now we had officially visited each other’s homes. My studio apartment. His mansion on the lake.
There were so many things that should have kept us apart. A man like him, older, refined, educated, wealthy beyond comprehension, wasn’t supposed to want a woman like me. Young. Unrefined. Wearing the same underwear I had gotten back in high school. Clutching a bag my dad had given to me years ago. The only time Nate and I met in the middle was education—that is, once I had my doctorate, I would be his equal. And yet, even with that,until then, Nate was beyond me. He was a professor. I was merely a student.
We hadn’t really spoken since the Visiting Speaker Showcase. He had left abruptly, and it shocked me. I had texted him, making sure that we were still on for the Lakehouse Retreat, but other than that, he had been evasive. Almost like he was avoiding me.
But I tried not to think about that. We were at the lakehouse together: Nate as the host and my adviser, and me, as Nate’s guest and student. Many of the other students with us were working with these same professors on the Crossing Collaborations Contest, the same people here, that had invited them to the Lakehouse Retreat. I was no exception.
We weren’t any different.
Nate and a few of the others went to the water, mostly floating and splashing, though a few of the students looked like they were trying to organize a game, something with water and a ball. I stayed at the table, idly eating a grape, a bite of truffle cheese and a cracker here or there, watching our strange circumstances unfold. Nate’s body covered in beads of water, his tan, glowing skin, the dark hair, flecked with gray, his hard muscular shoulders and arms, the hair on his chest that I wanted to run my fingers through.
“Could you stare any harder?” Jessica asked. I stuffed my face with another cracker, my cheeks full, and pretended not to know what she was talking about. “Don’t even pretend, girl. You haven’t stopped watching Dr. Evans since he took off his shirt. Ease it on back with the laser eyes.” She laughed, then downed the rest of her wine.
“I amnotwatching him,” I lied. “I’m watching the game. They’re about to—” The ball went back and forth, but between the chaos and the other students standing around, I couldn’t tell what was going on. “What are they playing again?”
She smiled, a knowing grin, then tilted her head. We sat for a few moments in silence, both of us watching the game in the water. On the corner, to the side of the bank, Nate hoisted himself up, his back rippling with muscle, and sat on the edge. He slicked back his wet hair, the silver strands dark like the rest, and he glanced up at us, locked eyes with me, and smiled.
Jessica whistled, indicating that she had seen him acknowledge me. I ignored her. A few of the other students joined Nate in sitting on the edge, dangling their feet in the water.
“You really like him, don’t you?” Jessica asked.
Her question should have shocked me, but it didn’t. I had been wondering the same thing myself. Maybe it was something more than admiration. He had published so many articles during his career, and somehow had time to invest in the stock market,andto give spanking demonstrations at BDSM parties. He had accomplished so much, it was hard not to be impressed. But it was more than that.
When no one else would, he had taken a chance on me. He had pushed me as hard as he would have pushed anyone else.
“I don’t know what it is,” I said. It felt weird to admit it aloud. I glanced at Jessica; she grinned to herself, looking smug, as if she had finally won my admission. “It’s definitely more than nothing.”
“So, you two in the Afterglow. That wasn’t for studying, was it?”
I could trust Jessica, couldn’t I? But I wanted to respect Nate, because he had more to lose than I did. But the lack of answer must have been an answer enough, because Jessica asked, “You’re not worried about losing your candidacy?”
“Not really,” I said. “I’m not the one who is going up for tenure.”
“Wouldn’t that suck? You get shitty undergrad classes for seven years, maybe one graduate class a year, only to lose it when you fall for one of your students.”
I never wanted to do that to him, which was part of why I hadn’t pressured him when it came to the sudden lack of communication. Go ahead. Ghost me, Nate. I know you’ve gotta do what you gotta do. You’ll come around when you can. Besides, the Lakehouse Retreat was coming up. He couldn’t avoid me then.
But she had said something that stood out: Nate had fallen for me, too?
“I guess some things are more important than your career,” Jessica said. “Oh well. Sucks for him.”
She stood and went into the house before I could say anything. It was as if it had already been decided in her eyes. But her words stuck with me. What things were more important than a career? I had been burying myself in academia since Dad and I had first started taking classes years ago and had never stopped, not even over the summers. Had Dad given up his career for something more important? For me? For his family? For love?
Perhaps love was being willing to sacrifice parts of yourself, or things, for others. Sacrifice as a concept seemed to be following me wherever I went. Sacrifice, giving up something for another, as a way to be powerful, doing something for another, even when you were on the bottom, subservient half of the dynamic. And what did it mean when the top, the commander, sacrificed for another? Would Nate be willing to sacrifice for me?
I would never, ever ask him to do that. It was out of the question. But the idea echoed in my mind.
The sun began its slow descent, cooling the air. Almost everyone was out of the water, making their way back to the patio to find dry towels. We made our way in.
