CHAPTER 23
Mara
Because I took the long way around the department, I had to walk byhisoffice. It’s not that I wanted to see him. But if I took the long way, I could stop by the restrooms. Any reason to procrastinate, really. It had nothing to do with him.
But that was a lie.
I headed past the restrooms. As I neared his office, I clutched the strap of my bag, as if asking my dad for the strength to get past his old tutor and my ex-adviser. My ex…
I lifted my chin, not intending to give his office a second glance. He didn’t deserve it. But then I noticed something strange: the door was completely closed. While many professors closed their office doors, Nate left his door open,exceptfor the one time when I closed the door behind us, when he was in there with me. The light was off too. As if no one was in there.
Nate was almost always on campus before me. I was early, but not by much.
But it didn’t matter.Hedidn’t matter. Not now.
I focused, keeping my vision straight, not letting thoughts of him trickle into my mind again. But it was useless. Everywhere I looked, everywhere I went, everything pointed back to him. And if I admitted it to myself, my heart ached for him too. I wanted to forget everything that had put up a barrier between us. That he had disqualified us, when we had worked so hard to be in that contest.
His voice popped into my mind: You mean whenyouhad worked so hard.
Shut up, I argued back. It was us. It was always supposed to be us.
Us? We—wewere done. The contest was nearing the final judgment. Nate and I couldn’t do anything about it now.
As I opened the door to the shared graduate student office and sawThe Death of Powerfaced down on my desk, I had one thought: Maybe we could try again. Without academics. Just us.
But I dismissed that idea as quickly as I could.
Jessica sat up, a worried look stretching across her face. “Can I talk to you?” she said in that tone that implied something was wrong. One of the other graduate students turned around and scrunched his nose at us, and Jessica rolled her eyes at him. “Mara, not you.” The graduate student muttered to himself, grabbed his book, and left the room.
At my desk, I turned my chair around, facing Jessica.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Dr. Smith told me what happened.” Ah, so the truth was finally out there. “I didn’t even know I had said that.” She rubbed her forehead. “It’s pretty stupid to be drinking that much at any age, but especially in your thirties.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry.”
I shrugged. “It’s over anyway. We broke it off,” I said. She rubbed my shoulder.
“Are you okay?” I grunted, but before I could elaborate, she added, “She agreed not to tell anyone on the board. After all, she already has tenure, and since Dr. Evans—”
A notification erupted from my phone. I needed to ask about tenure, but Jessica was silent, waiting for me to check the alert. So I did. An email, the subject read,Acceptance: Sacrifice and Power in Sadomasochismsent from the editor at Breaking Edge. My jaw dropped.
What. The. Hell.
“What is it?” Jessica asked. “Spill it already, girl.”
“Breaking Edge,” I said. “Breaking Edge.”
“Wait. What do you mean, Breaking Edge?”
I showed her my phone, and she gasped. “Oh girl, this is good news!” she said, her face lighting up. “That is way better than Oasis!”
I waved my arms to stop myself from squealing. “I have to tell my mom,” I said.
Jessica shooed me out the door, shoving the phone back into my hand. “Go, girl, go. I’ll see you when you get back.”
We didn’t get great service inside of the building, so I looked around, wondering whether it was worth it to go down to the ground, or to go to the rooftop, where Nate had taken me. Screw it. The rooftop was easier to get to and it had a better view. It was no wonder that Nate loved it up there. And I did too.
If he wasn’t in his office, maybe he was up there.
