But maybe there was another reason.
Because if he wasn’t working at the university, then maybe we could be together.
It was irritating, even to myself, to be like this. To want so badly to hate him, and being completely unable to. But I couldn’t. And I had to know why. Why did he leave? Why hadn’t he said anything?
Why couldn’t I tell him how I felt?
I started picking up my bag again, shoving the Florence Berkley book inside of it. I had returned her books to the library, except for this one, which I had left here, unable to let go of it. But I wasn’t afraid anymore.
“Where are you going?” Jessica asked. She had been talking the entire time, rambling about Dr. Smith, but I hadn’t been listening. “You just got here.”
“I’ve got to find him,” I said. “I’ve got to find Nate.”
I went to check his office to see if he had left any clues. But there was a maintenance worker removing his nameplate.
“What do you need, ma’am?” he asked.
My eyes flicked to the doorknob, back to him. “Did he leave anything inside?”
“No, ma’am, but you can check.” He stepped back and I thanked him, then pushed the door open.
Beyond the desk and the college-owned desktop, the room was empty. No weird paintings. No bookshelf. No briefcase. Nothing.
I had deleted his phone number, but I had to have it somewhere. I went to leave the room, but Dr. Smith was leaning against the wall next to the maintenance worker. “He’s gone,” Dr. Smith said. “Serves him right too. Taking advantage of a young student like you.”
There was that word again.Young.To remind me of our difference. Her superiority over me. She placed a hand on her hip, with a look in her eye that said she had seen it all. But she hadn’t. She had no idea what it was like to be with Nate.
And in the end, it didn’t matter what we looked like to anyone else.
Fuck it. Jessica had spilled my secret, and besides, Dr. Smith the truth would find out the truth soon anyway.
“That’s the only reason why you were offered tenure,” I said. Her mouth opened. “He turned it down.”
She was flustered, shaking her a-line cut out of her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. He was fired. The way he treated you? The way he treated all of his students. It’s a disgrace—”
“He quit,” I said, raising my eyebrows. “He didn’t get fired.”
“Whatever,” she said, and with the way she dismissed my comment, it was obvious that she knew it was true. “Fired or quit, he never deserved to be here.”
“Oh,” I said, “By the way, I gave some thoughts to your offer on being my committee chair,” I said. I almost laughed at my word choice. Offer? It was blackmail. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll find another committee chair.”
“Dr. Evans can’t be your committee chair,” she hissed. She pointed down the hallway. A few professors and students’ heads were poking out of their offices to see why she was yelling. “He’s gone. He won’t be qualified.”
I shrugged and smiled. “Honestly? I’ll be happy with anyone but you, Dr. Smith,” I said, walking backward. “Good luck holding onto tenure.”
I turned back around, walking forward, trying to think of the possible places to find him. I could check the Afterglow, but something in my gut told me that he wouldn’t be there. Not without me. But for all I knew, he might not even be at his lakehouse anymore.
I stood in the middle of the quad and dialed Hazel, my heart beating fast, hoping she knew something.
“What’s up?” she asked.
“Do you know where Nate is?” I asked. “He’s not at the college or anywhere and he quit and I think he—”
“Whoa, slow down,” she said. “Take a deep breath. Nate’s not dead. He quit the college.” I inhaled audibly, so she could hear. I took another deep breath in and out, making a show my relaxation. Finally, she said, “There’s another college in town, right? The Experimental Distance College? Something like that?” She paused, and my hand twitched, eager for the answer. “I think my sister’s husband said something about it. Maybe he’s there.”
Then that’s where I needed to go too.
