“It means that if she was able to fall in love with you, it is not going to simply vanish, Hudson. It is not the flu. It is not a raindrop in a storm. She loves you not because of a few brief moments of laughter or whatever is it that the two of you have been doing. She loves you because...” He shook his head and sighed again. “She loves you because of who you are, and that will not change.”
“I am not who she thinks.”
“But you are.” Elias sat up and looked at Hudson, trying to meet his eyes, even if Hudson refused to give them. Out the corner of his eyes, however, he could see the worry that his brother felt for him. The sadness, also. “I know that you believe yourself to be...to be this cold, dispassionate monster.”
“I do not think it. It is what I am.”
“You are not!”
“I am, Elias. Like our father, I am not made for the world of romance. I am a businessman first, and to be that I cannot allow emotions to besiege me. It is a weakness.”
“You are not our father, Hudson,” Elias snapped, suddenly angry. “You never have been! And why you insist on pretending otherwise...” He snarled. “It is as if you wish you were him.”
“I do not wish it! You think I want to be like...likehim?”
“I think you believe you have no choice. That is why you act the way you always have. Why you guard yourself from emotions. Why you pretend that they are a weakness.”
“They are a weakness.”
“They are a strength, Hudson!” Elias cried. “Our emotions are what make us who we are! It is how we grow. It is how we fight. And the greatest of them all, without question, is love. Love is...” He smiled warmly; eyes sparkling. “It is the most glorious thing which exists in this cold, cruel world. When we are sad. When we are alone. When we are afraid or unsure or in need of help. Love is what saves us. And to share that love with another.” He took a long sip. “I would rather die than live without it.”
“That is where you and I differ,” Hudson said distantly. He was staring at his lap, thinking now about his father, his upbringing, the lessons he had been raised on. What would his father say if he saw him now?He would mock me, no doubt. He would call me a weak, pathetic loser of a man. He would despise that I let a woman do this to me. And he would be right.
“So, that is it then, is it?” Elias sighed, the tone in his voice suggesting that he was just about done with this conversation. “You are set on this course of action? To avoid your wife until she hates you?”
“She likely already does.”
He scoffed. “And as I have said, you are a fool to think it.”
“She will get over me.” He spoke into his chest, chin wobbling, a pain in his throat which made him want to tear it out. “I am easy to hate, and if she is smart, she will understand that soon enough.”
“May I ask you one more thing? And do not dare lie to me.” Elias’s voice hardened as he sat himself up. Hudson glanced at him, seeing the same determined steel in his gaze. “You owe me that much.”
“What?”
“Florentia told you that she was in love with you. She gave you her heart and you crushed it because you thought that you had no choice. But you have yet failed to tell me one simple thing.”
“Which is?”
“Do you love her back? If things were different. If you were not...” He scoffed with a level of disgust that Hudson felt himself deserving of. “If you were not you. How do you really feel about her?”
“What does it matter? I am me, and that will not change.”
“Answer the question,” Elias growled. “Do you love her?”
Hudson thought to lie, for it felt like the right thing to do. He even went so far as to open his mouth, the lie right there on the tip of his tongue. Only, when he went to say it, he risked a quick glance at his brother who still looked at him with extreme pity, and he found that he could not. He could not bring himself to speak the lie, as if that was one betrayal too many.
Yes, I love her. I do not want to. I wish it was not the case, for it would make things so much easier. But if these last days have proven anything, the wretched torment and pain and suffering I have felt, they have proven that I am not the man I wish I was. I...I love my wife.
Hudson could not bring himself to speak, so he bowed his head in shame, which was all Elias needed to see.
“As I thought,” he said. Then, he stood up and collected his tankard. “I would ask if you would like another, but I cannot stand to look at you at the moment. You understand.” He stepped out of the booth and wandered across the room toward the bar.
Hudson did not call after him. He did not try and explain himself. His brother was right. Florentia was right. And Hudson, too stubborn to admit the truth, too cowardly to do anything about it, chose to wallow in pity instead.
It was, after all, what his father would have done.
“What now?” Albina asked Florentia. She too had started to cry, tears for her friend which she was happy to share. “What will you do?”
