I was perfectly happy before Florentia came along. Content in the life I had chosen. Satisfied with the path I had carved for myself. I never cared for others or what they thought of me, and I never spent time worrying for the feelings of those who in my eyes were not worth such thoughts.
So much had changed.
The guilt he felt was for what he had done to Florentia. What he had said. How he had left her. No doubt she was home right now, stricken by sadness, her heart breaking because he had denied the love that she gave him in the most callous of ways.
The shame he felt was for himself. Was he so weak that he could not admit how he felt for her? Was he so pathetic that he could not retract his words and finally give himself over to love and happiness and a woman who he did not deserve but for some reason saw in him a side which had always been there, hidden away, needing someone like her to bring it out?
Why did he fear what he knew would make him happy? What was he really scared of? He did not know...
“Your Grace...” Mr. Andrews cleared his throat. “We really need to be going.”
“Oh, right...” Hudson gave his head a shake and forced himself to focus on the task at hand. He had traveled twelve hours north to meet with a man named Mr. Thomas who, should everything today go as planned, would be signing over a deed to his farms that promised to make Hudson the largest land owner in all of England—after the king, of course. That was all that mattered. “Yes, let us...let us get to it.”
Hudson took a deep breath and strode from the room, past Mr. Andrews, without acknowledgment.
The home they were staying in was an estate owned by Hudson, one passed down to him through his father. As boys, he and Elias would visit here in the summer months, often with their mother before she got sick. The house brought pain-filled memories for Hudson, swirling through him and joining the current ones which attacked him, making him eager to leave here and never come back.
When he reached the top of the staircase, he paused to see his brother standing in the foyer. Elias looked up at him, not upset as he had been the previous day, but saddened and miserable. There was pain in his eyes, a look that might have suggested he had hoped that through some miracle, Hudson would not have stayed the night.
“Brother,” Hudson said as he started down the staircase. “How did you sleep?”
“Wonderfully,” Elias said. “Although, I missed my wife. I will be glad to see her again upon our return.”
Hudson grimaced. He knew Elias had chosen the words specifically.
When he reached the foyer, Elias turned immediately and strode from the house without looking back, leaving Hudson alone once more. He cast a final glance about the house, his stomach twisting to see how decayed it had become.
The memories of his childhood here were not as colorful as he might have liked, and the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he didn’t have a single memory from when he was a child that warmed him.
Why have I idealized that part of my life so much? I was never happy as a child. I hated my father. Why have I worked so hard to please him? Why do I care?
He grimaced and started from the house, with Mr. Andrews hurrying after him. Mr. Andrews was rambling as he often did, running through the expectations of today and how he foresaw it playing out. Again, Hudson found that he could not bring himself to listen or care, an oddity in his life because once this was all he did care for. Now, it just felt so...so pointless.
“The carriage, Your Grace.” Mr. Andrews indicated the carriage where he saw his brother sitting in wait. “If it pleases you.”
He took a step toward the carriage but faulted. Then another, his feet seeming to stick to the ground. Still, he felt sick. Still, he had no desire to go through with this. Still, his mind was back home, on his wife, the only thought that brought him any sense of joy.
Through the carriage window he spied his brother watching him. He saw the pain in his eyes, the sense that he knew exactly what was going on inside of Hudson’s mind. Their eyes met, a silent conversation seemed to pass, and then a smile slowly spread across Elias’s face.
He nodded once, almost giving him permission. And suddenly Hudson knew what he had to do.
He could not explain it. He could not reason with it. Somehow, that only made it make more sense. All his life he had done the logical thing, ignoring his emotions, thinking them a weakness. But now, at the thought of following his heart, of leaning into happiness and joy...he had never felt stronger.
Without another thought, he turned and started toward the stables.
“Your Grace!” Mr. Andrews cried. “The carriage! It is this way!”
“I am afraid I will have to pass on today’s meeting!” Hudson shouted back over his shoulder. “Give Mr. Thomas my regards.”
“Pass! What do you—Your Grace!” Mr. Andrews balked. “I do not understand! This meeting is a one-time thing! If you leave, I do not know if Mr. Thomas will be so willing again! Please!”
Hudson turned around. “If that is the case...” He shrugged. “Then so be it. I have somewhere else I need to be, and it cannot wait.”
“Somewhere else to be! What could possibly be more important than this!”
Hudson caught his brother watching him. They shared a smile, and Elias nodded his head once more. “Love, Mr. Andrews. Could there be anything else?” With that, he turned and made his way for the stables, from which he had a horse quickly saddled. Five minutes later he was riding away, his destination his own estate, his home, his dear wife.
I just pray I am not too late...
