I was doing too many things at once to come up with an answer for her right away. I was warming her hands. I was touching her, for the very first time. I was giving in to one instinctive desire to shove away another, more depraved one. I was stroking the incredible, rapid rhythm of the heartbeat at her wrists. I was breathing deeply of her alien, human scent. I was wondering if anyone had noticed, by now, that we were both gone. Wondering how long we’d stay like this.
How long she’d let me.
She hadn’t tried to pull her hands away. But neither did she relax. Her hands were closed fists within my own.
“Do I offend you?”
“Right now?” she asked on a gust, like she’d barely held back an exclamation of surprise, or a bitter laugh. “Or in general?”
“Either. Both.”
She tipped her head slightly, her expression guarded.
“Do you want an honest answer to that question?”
“Always.” Soft vehemence surrounded the word. “I want nothing but your truth.”
“You said something like that once before,” she replied. “When we first met. Dalk said he wouldn’t raise his tail to show you a sign of respect, and you said that was good. Because you didn’t want fake shows of fealty. You said something like, ‘give me what’s real, or give me nothing.’”
So she remembered those moments, when I’d first encountered her among her friends in neutral territory below the Vrika’s peak. It had been the first time I’d met that many new women at once. Before that, I had only met Priya, Chapman, and Valeria. But that night, I had Nazreen, Valeria, Fiona, Tilly, Taylor, and Gahn Errok’s mate Zuh-Tephanie before me.
Only Nazreen’s face had captivated me. Had caught my sight stars upon it as surely as fabric snagging on the tip of an arrow. The high, arching bridge of her nose. The agonizingly pretty shape of her mouth. Those large eyes with their strange and singular sight stars, shadowed by a thick fringe of lashes and shadowed further by a reserved and vigilant watchfulness.
The sight of her had been like a blow to the head. Like a knife dragged down the side of my face. For a moment, I’d nearly wondered,Am I bleeding?
No, Gahn. I do not bleed.
“Nothing has changed since that night.” I told her. “I am only interested in the truth.”
Her eyes narrowed.
“And yet you don’t afford us that same courtesy,” she pointed out archly. “You invited us to be guests in your mountain that very night, but in reality you were using us – specifically Stephanie – as pawns to lure Gahn Errok into a taklok so you could kill him. Even though we’d already brokered an alliance between you. Even though it should have been safe.”
I bristled at foul Gahn Errok’s name in her mouth.
“And, look, I’m no big fan of Errok, either,” she went on. “I think he can be an arrogant ass, and I know he’s done you and your people wrong. But you did us wrong that night, too. And at least with Errok, we always know where we stand with him. He’s brash and obnoxious, but he’s honest. But you?”
Her sight stars swept critically over me, coming to settle on our joined hands.
“You’re like that pool I just put my hands into. Cold to the point of numbing. Too deep and dark to see the bottom. You manipulate and you use people without showing your true intentions. So yes, Gahn Thaleo, you offend me.”
Just like that pool, she said. The same one she’d plunged both hands into anyway. Even knowing that it was deep and dark and cold and that she could not see the bottom.
I had no defence against her words. I had no wish to defend myself. Everything she’d said was correct. I’d been taught, trained, moulded to the point of scarring in childhood. My very bones were fused with the fact that it was my responsibility to do anything,everything– noble or not, honest or not – to protect my people. Including killing Gahn Errok in the taklok. Which I’d nearly done. It was only the affronted reaction of the new women, the fact I could lose the alliance, that had forced me to allow Gahn Errok access to my stores of Vrika’s blood. Even now, that memory was an acrid one. I’d left him in his mate Zuh-Tephanie’s hands. I had not let a single one of my healers touch him.
What would I have done if Nazreen had touched him?
Despite my offensiveness in her eyes, she still had not pulled her hands from mine. But then again, I was so much bigger than she was. So much stronger. Her wrists were narrow to the point of absurdity. So poignantly breakable. For the first time, I realized just how truly vulnerable she was in this world.
How vulnerable she likely realized she was with me.
Perhaps she worried that if she tried to pull away, and I did not let her go, that I would hurt her in the process.
This realization had me dropping her hands at once. A mere heartbeat later, footsteps in the valley behind me echoed – stone crunching, pebbles rolling. Then, Valeria’s voice.
“Nasrin? Oh! Gahn Thaleo.”
I turned to face Valeria, at the same time stepping aside so that she could see Nazreen was here with me. Safe. Uninjured by me or by anything else. My palms prickled with awareness, the ghosting memory of her little hands.
