I stared at Nazreen all throughout the morning meal on the day she was to fly back to Gahn Errok’s mountain. She did not look at me, nor did she sit beside me. I had not shared the changes between us with anyone, and I was fairly certain that she had not, either.
Before the eyes of all others, we were as we ever were.
Alone, we were different. Bound by something I could not name and could not escape. I did not even want to escape it.
Now, I was about to watch her disappear once more into the territory of the hateful Gahn Errok. I could not ask her to stay. I had no right to.
But despite this, I still found myself standing and growling, “Wait,” as she attempted to leave the hall with her friends. She paused, turning those deep green sight stars on me. A colour I had come to love above all others.
“All good?” Valeria asked, also halting her progress from the hall. The rest of their party followed suit.
“I…require Nazreen.”
Colour crept into Nazreen’s cheeks at that, and I regretted the awkward crudeness of my words. I’d meant to say something like, “I require some conversation with Nazreen.” But half the blasted words got lost between my head and my mouth.
Valerian and Grim shared a look, as did Tilly and Fiona. Oxriel and Zoren were the only ones who stood idly by without engaging in silent conversations with their eyes.
“I need to do some checks on the shuttle before we leave anyway,” Valeria said, lifting her shoulders and letting them fall. “Are you all packed?”
“Yes,” Nazreen replied, and I hardened myself against a sudden punch of pain at her answer. She was already prepared to leave me.
“Alright, then,” Valeria said. “Meet us outside in, like, half an hour.”
They departed, but others remained in the hall. I needed her alone. Just one more time before she left.
“Come,” I said. The only place I could guarantee would be completely empty at this time of day was my own sleeping cave. This was the very first time I had brought her here. I had a near-destructive need to have her in my own bed. Now.
“Hi,” she said softly when we were in my quarters. It was something I’d come to expect from her at this point. It was a short, breathy, human greeting that she used when we were alone. It did not simply seem to be another version of hello. It felt like an intimate signal, just for me.
Or maybe I was a fool for even imagining it could mean such a thing. Nazreen had given me her time, had given me exquisite access to her body. Even given me little slices of her past that I treasured and savoured, sweeter than any moonbark. But she appeared not to be bothered by our upcoming separation.Meanwhile, my insides were churning like the mountains after a landslide.
“You return to Gahn Errok today,” I said by way of response. I did not know what else to do. I wanted to drag her into the furs on my bed. I wanted to let her go so that I could try to regain some semblance of sanity without her.
Above all, I wanted her. When I’d once vowed not to want anything for myself at all.
“I do. That was the deal you came up with,” she reminded me. She tilted her head as she regarded me, and by the skies, she was so cursedlybeautiful. Morning light spilled into my cave, illuminating her in all her starkly contrasting glory. Soft lips and bony nose. Dark hair and brows and light skin. White eyes around the shadowy green and black of her sight stars. The long eyelashes and short blunt teeth. Weak, flimsy little claws defending a rock-like will and a ferociously protective streak. The guardedness, the wariness, and the divine sweetness once you somehow managed to steal past them.
A human woman in a Deep Sky cave. A human woman who was not my mate, standing right beside my bed where no other female ever had.
She confounded me constantly. She should not have made sense.
Yet nothing had ever made so much sense to my heart as her.
“Would you ever…” The words felt oddly thick in my throat. “…choose to stay?”
Her mouth quirked unhappily. “I don’t believe I actually do have a choice in that. Do you think Gahn Errok would just let me hang out here without a mate in your mountain? He’d be banging down the door demanding access to the unmated new woman. Just like you would, if things were reversed.”
“Forget Gahn Errok.” I didn’t even want to hear his name in her mouth. It always put me into a foul temper.Always.“Ifeverything else fell away, if there were no other men to consider, what would you choose?”
Her lips parted slightly. She closed them resolutely once more, tension entering her delicate jaw before she answered. “I don’t know, Gahn Thaleo. What wouldyouchoose?”
“Don’t call me Gahn,” I murmured. I’d never felt like a Gahn beside her.
“Then tell me, Thaleo. What would you choose? What do you want?” She lifted then dropped her hands in a gesture that seemed to indicate a sort of futileness. “Do you want me to stay here as your not-quite-mate? Tell Gahn Errok you want me, and that’s enough?”
It wasn’t enough, and she knew that. I’d built my entire life around honouring the Vrika and ensuring our people’s survival. Who would I be, if I went back on that now, simply for my own desire for this intoxicating, gutting woman?
“I’m not asking you to do that,” she said, perhaps sensing the disquiet in me. “I’m just pointing out the awkwardness of our situation. I’m not your mate.”
