Chapter Nineteen
The next morning, Amir knocked on the door without calling first. He looked as I did—as though he’d hardly slept. I ignored the sharp twist in my stomach—had he been with Emma?—and embraced him. He smelled exactly as he always had, earthy and warm and something else that was mysteriously, entirely him.
“Let’s go for a walk,” he said.
I nodded and asked him to give me a moment. In the kitchen, Will looked up at me expectantly. A mug of steaming coffee and an unopened book sat on the table in front of him. The light in the kitchen was soft; the sun was still working its way into the sky. We had shared many quiet mornings at that table.
“Amir’s here?”
I nodded. I walked over to him and sat on his lap. It wasn’t something that I normally did, but I felt drawn to him. There was a heaviness inside of me that I could not shake. Will wrapped me in his arms.
“He wants to go on a walk.”
Will was quiet for a moment before nodding. “That’s a good idea. It’s a beautiful morning.”
“We won’t be long.”
He kissed me. I leaned into him, remembering, suddenly, our first kiss on the balcony of his parents’ house, and how I had initiated it. I had so wanted him to love me, and even now it surprised me to know that he did.
IHAD BARELYclosed the front door behind me when I told Amir about Bear’s letters.
“He’s been writing for years,” I said in an urgent rush. “Threatening to tell Will that we killed Rei and stole her money.” It was both terrifying and a relief to finally say these words out loud.
“A threat sent by letter,” Amir said drily. “How civilized. I wouldn’t have guessed Bear had it in him.”
“Amir.”
When he looked at me, the amusement drained from his expression. His eyes darkened. “So I killed Rei. That’s what you believe.”
I felt my hands begin to shake. It was as though time fell away and I was standing in Rei’s room. The sight of her unnaturally still body, the terrible expression on her face—a look of panic and fright and pain that she had never worn in life. The indented pillow beside her. The empty box that had once held so much money.
“I never wanted to believe that.” My voice quivered with emotion. “But what choice did you leave me? Rei died and youwent missing on the same day. Her money—the money that we discovered together—was gone. I have fought for nine years not to think of you as a murderer. That you could do that to Rei... it’s not possible. But I also didn’t think it was possible for you to leave me. And you did.”
Amir raised his eyebrows. “Ileftyou? You were the one who fell in love with the Langfords and decided they were your ticket out of Horseshoe Cliff.”
His words were cold, but his delivery was not. He spoke in a voice that was thick with a pain that burned with equal measure within me.
“I would never have left without you,” I said as we stepped onto the beach. “Rosalie Langford was going to help you. I made her promise that she would. She was going to helpbothof us get away from Bear. I wanted us to leave together.”
A complicated series of expressions washed over Amir’s face. He ran his hand over his shorn head, and when he did, I felt the nerve endings in my own hand come alive, imagining that his hand was mine, imagining the feel of his cropped hair against my skin. I had never experienced such an intense longing as I did in that moment. I gripped my hands together so that I wouldn’t reach for him.
“I didn’t know,” he said. “I only heard you tell Rei that you were leaving.” His eyes flickered with hurt and anger. “You were so excited. So happy. You couldn’t wait to get away.”
“That’s true. I wanted to get as far away from Bear as I could. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to see more, to do more. But I always wanted to do it with you, Amir. I would never haveleft you the way that you left me. I trusted you. I thought you trusted me.”
When he didn’t immediately respond, I began walking faster, heading toward the ocean. I had not made it far when his hand encircled mine.
“I’m sorry,” he said. His words were weighted with sadness. “I’m sorry that I left you. I made a terrible mistake. Not a day has passed that I have not thought of you and wished I had done things differently.”
A current of desire swept through me. When I hugged Amir, it was difficult to let go. Our bodies remembered each other. We sat side by side in the sand and looked out at the sea, our arms touching as though forming a seal. I was aware of every breath he took. I was even aware, I was certain, of the restless beating of his heart. My attraction to him brought with it a wave of shame, as it always had. I was not allowed to love him as I did. Not then, and certainly not now, when I was engaged to Will.
“I heard you talking to Rei that day after you came back from the Langfords’ house,” he said. “I thought you were planning to leave without me. I felt frantic. I couldn’t think clearly. I thought I was angry, but now I think I was more confused than anything. When you came home, you didn’t look like the Merrow that I knew. You dressed differently. It seemed like you were looking at everything at Horseshoe Cliff in a new way. When I overheard you talking to Rei, you didn’t even sound like you. I couldn’t believe that you would go off without me. I told myself that maybe I’d just been imagining this relationship that didn’t actually exist. We never talked about it... about us. Everything that I’d ever thought had passed between us, I suddenly doubted. It made me feel crazy.”
He hung his head. “And then I remembered the money. Rei’s money. I was going to ask her if I could borrow some to buy new equipment for the farm, and then I was going to use the money to run away. When I got to her house, it looked like she was home, but she didn’t answer the door. I was worried. I climbed in through her bathroom window and... she was in her bed, and she wasn’t breathing. I tried to wake her, but her skin was cold. She looked scared. I hated that she had died like that, alone. I didn’t know what to do.”
His voice was so thin and strained that I knew this memory of Rei had haunted his dreams just as it had haunted mine. All these years, we had been kept awake at night by the same memory, the same recurring nightmare. Our beloved Rei, frightened and alone as she faced death. Amir had not killed Rei. He had loved her. He had not run to her in anger, but in sadness.
“I couldn’t imagine living at Horseshoe Cliff without you and without Rei,” Amir said. “I just... I made a decision.”
