Will shook his head. “You know what, I don’t care. I don’t care about what happened between you and Amir when you were kids.” His expression softened. “I love you, Merrow. I love our life together. Amir is your past, but I am your future. Don’t you see that?”
“I thought I did. I was ready to live the rest of my life with you.”
Will’s shoulders sank. “Love isn’t something that you turn on and off like a light switch.”
“You’re right,” I said quietly. There was so much that I could not bear to say to Will because I could not stand the thought of hurting him any more than I already was. I could answer his question and tell him that what had changed was only that Amir had returned, and all the years that we’d spent apart had simply fallen away. That the overwhelming love I’d felt for Amir when I was a girl I still felt now as a woman, and more so. That my life and Amir’s life were bound together—by fate, by nature, by sorrow and cruelty and comfort and joy and profound understanding.
Would explaining the depth of my love for Amir have helpedWill to process why I was leaving? Perhaps. But I did not want to risk bringing him more pain. I did not want to reveal to Will that my feelings for him were a tidy pasture, green and lovely, but that my love for Amir was a vast, unruly landscape with a wild sea and windswept land from which, against all odds, beauty and sustenance grew. It was a love that I would be pulled toward my entire life, a love that I felt in the very core of my being. Our love felt transcendent; it was a protection from sadness, a gift of being wholly seen, wholly known. My life was this love, and this love, my life.
“Nothing has changed,” I said, my eyes filling with tears, “but somehow everything has changed. I know I owe you so much better of an explanation than that. I’m truly sorry.”
He stared at me. After a beat, he stood. “I can’t believe you’re doing this, Merrow. There is so much love here. I can feel it. Can’t you?”
I stood, too. My body ached, from the long car rides back and forth to Horseshoe Cliff, from the exertion of pulling Bear from the cliff’s edge, from the fitful hours of sleep on the lounge chair, from the agony of hurting someone for whom I cared so deeply.
“Yes,” I said. “I can feel it.”
Will’s face twisted. “I gave you your house by the sea. I gave you space to write. I wanted you to have a beautiful life, free of all the awful things that happened to you during your childhood. I wanted to take care of you and make sure you never felt pain again. You’re choosing the hardest path when the one I’ve offered you is so easy. I gave you everything, and it’s not enough, is it?”
Years earlier, Rosalie had told me that sometimes you had to leave your home, and everything you loved, to discover who you really were. Over the years I had been away from Horseshoe Cliff, I had become an adult. There were things that I’d wanted as a child that I no longer wanted. I had traveled to many places and my love for Horseshoe Cliff had only deepened. As a child, my feelings for my home had confused me, but I was no longer confused. I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted.
“No,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry.”
He walked away from me and stood at the edge of the patio, his arms crossed over his chest. I wanted to walk to him, to comfort him, but I knew that I shouldn’t. “We never belonged to each other the way I thought we did.” He spoke without turning toward me. “I don’t think you ever loved me the way I loved you.”
His words made me feel limp with sorrow. “That’s not true,” I said, but the truth was he might have been right. The entire time that I had loved Will, I had also loved Amir. I had been wrong to promise to love Will forever.
“Itistrue.” When he turned to me, his face was hard.
“Oh, Will. I am so sorry. I hate hurting you.” I took a step toward him, but he stepped back.
“You should go. I’d like you to leave now.”
I swallowed, nodding. I wished that I could hug him, and say a real goodbye, but it was clear that he could not stand to look at me, and for this I could not blame him. I walked to the patio door. When my hand touched the handle, I turned. Hestood at the edge of the patio with his back to me. The rising sun made his blond hair appear full of light.
“Goodbye, Will,” I said.
His gaze was set on the horizon. He didn’t move. “Goodbye,” he said.
IT WAS STILLearly in the morning when I left our house.Will’shouse. I walked through the city, squinting against the sun. Twenty blocks. Forty blocks. An hour later I realized that I had walked straight to the Langfords’ house. Rosalie was an early riser, and I knew she would be awake.
When I rang the bell, Rosalie’s dog, Midas, barked furiously. The sound carried me back in time to Osha, the shock of Tiger’s teeth sinking into my flesh. This new dog, Midas, knew me as a member of the family. He stopped barking and happily trotted toward me the moment Rosalie opened the door.
“Merrow! What on earth...” Rosalie peered into my face. “Come in, sweetheart. Come in.”
I shook my head. I could not let her comfort me, not after breaking her son’s heart. “I’m so sorry,” I said, wiping away the fresh tears that had sprung to my eyes the moment she’d said my name. “You have always been so kind to me. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
Rosalie waved away the thought. “What’s all this? Why don’t you come inside and sit down? You’re upset.”
“I can’t. I really can’t. I just needed to see you, and to tell you that knowing you has meant so much to me. Your belief in me,the way you told me your story and you listened to mine... it changed my life. I’ve learned so much from you, Rosalie. I hope I can do the same for other children in need.”
Rosalie smiled. “But you already are. You’re making a difference in the lives of so many children at Learning Together.”
I swallowed. “I don’t think I’ll be working there any longer.”
“Really? Why not?”
I took a breath. Rosalie and Wayne had left our party before Amir had arrived. I asked her if she remembered him.
