As the doctor stood beckoning me to follow him to where he could take me to my parents’ bodies, I froze. It was like if I took one step forward then I was acknowledging what had really happened, but if I stayed still and in that spot, it wasn’t real.
Today was the exact same way.
I watched with eyes wide with horror as the fire truck wailed past me, screeching to a stop at the front of Case’s house. Mac and Boone strained to hold Kim back. She fought hard against them, all the while screaming Case’s name at the top of her lungs. Liz stood beside them, head bent, hands steepled inprayer. Rev and Bishop stood on either side of her, blanketing her in their protection. The other club members milled around in the street, shaking their heads in disbelief with ashen expressions on their faces.
Something scratched my legs, momentarily bringing me out of my trance. When I gazed down, Walter peered up at me, whining repeatedly. For a moment, I could only stare at him. It was like my arms ignored the message my brain was sending out. Finally, I managed to reach down and pick him up.
Burying my face in his soft fur, my emotions finally thawed into a raw agony. Silent tears slipped from my eyes to dampen Walter’s back. My chest felt like a watch that had been wound too tight. I wanted desperately to let go of the consuming emotions, but no matter how hard I silently wept, I couldn’t find any relief. When my cries turned over to sobs, the pain raged through my chest so savagely it felt like I was burning from the inside out.
When the last of the flames had finally been put out, there was little left that resembled the former duplex. Smoke still rose from the smoldering ashes. In a way it represented how the world around me now felt—blackened, devastated, in ruins. As I surveyed the expressions of those who had become my family, it seemed they were feeling the same way.
Two firemen brought me out of my thoughts as they walked past me. “When you think they’ll clear us to go inside to look for the bodies?” the younger asked.
The older grunted. “Son, that wasn’t no hot water heater blowing up. It was an explosion caused by a bomb. That, coupled with the temperature of the fire it causes, and you ain’t gonna find shit. They’ll be lucky if they even have a pile of ashes to put in an urn.”
My hand flew to my mouth to muffle both my scream and the bile that rose in my throat. The older fireman cut his gaze overto me. His expression turned apologetic. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I shouldn’t have said that to where you could hear.”
I didn’t respond.
Icouldn’trespond.
After all, what does one say in this situation? My mind couldn’t even begin to wrap itself around the idea that Deacon was alive inside the clubhouse less than half an hour ago. Now he wasgone, reduced to nothingness. In the end, my protector couldn’t save himself. The one place where he felt safe had somehow been breached. I didn’t have to wonder who had done this. Sigel had finally come for his revenge, and it struck a devastating blow to the Raiders by taking out its president and sergeant at arms.
After the fire chief spoke to the crowd in a low tone, I watched as Rev wrapped his arms around Liz’s shoulders, trying to console her. But I could hear her anguished wails from where I was. Bishop stood by, placing a hand on his mother’s back.
Despite Mac and Boone’s efforts, Kim’s body went limp, and she collapsed onto the ground. Just when I thought she had passed out, she began to pound her fists into the ground. “NOOOOO!” she screamed.
As the other members of the Raiders consoled each other, I’d never felt more alone in my life. Even though I could have reached out to them for comfort, I knew all too well how isolating grief truly was. You could be in a room full of people yet still be all alone in your own private hell. Cradling Walter to my chest, I turned and walked into the empty roadhouse that was silent as a tomb.
I momentarily paused in front of the chair where Deacon had been sitting. I ran my free hand over the top rung, imagining his strong back pressed against it. If I closed my eyes, I could almost see him there, almost smell his scent still lingering in the air. Craning my ear, I tried desperately to hear his voice in the void.
With nothing but emptiness surrounding me, I made my way back to his room. I closed the door and then trudged across the floor. Taking my cellphone off the nightstand, I actually had the presence of mind to text my principal that I wouldn’t be coming in tomorrow. The truth was I didn’t know when I would go back—if I even could. I’d picked up the pieces of a shattered life once before. Even though it had made me stronger, I wasn’t resilient. I didn’t know if I could come back from this.
Collapsing down on the bed, I wrapped myself in the blanket that smelled overwhelmingly of him. Walter burrowed to my side, and I welcomed the comfort of his presence. Closing my eyes, I willed myself to sleep—to escape from the nightmare of my reality. To slip into an unconsciousness devoid of grief and sorrow. Where you never had to have those you love snatched away from you.
And finally I slipped away.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: DEACON
As I started coming into consciousness, something warm and wet slid against my lips. With a groan, I said, “Mm, Alex, wrap those lips around my cock.”
At the sound of yip, I jerked my eyes open. Instead of Alex tongue fucking me, it was Walter. “Christ, Walter,” I grunted as I eased his head away.
When I rolled over in the bed, overgrown green grass and leaves rubbed against my face. “What the…”
My wild gaze flickered around my surroundings. I wasn’t at home in the comfort of my bed. Instead, I was flat on my back under a canopy of Georgia pines just beyond Case’s house.
At the thought of Case, the synapses of my brain began firing in rapid succession.
Case and I shooting the shit as we walked down to his house.
The two of us starting up the steps when Walter spotted a squirrel and dove out of my arms to tear off the porch and into the woods after it.
Me sprinting down the porch and jumping over the railing after his dumb ass because I knew he would get lost, and both Willow and Alexandra would have my ass.
A ear-splitting roar tearing through the trees that jerked me into the air before slamming me to the ground.
“Oh fuck,” I croaked.
