He exhales a ragged breath as he hangs his head, scrubbing a hand over his face. “That’s what you really want?” he murmurs.
“Yes,” I reply flatly, the ache in my chest intensifying.
Matty lifts his head, gaze hardening as it meets mine. “Fine.”
I should be glad that he immediately averts his eyes, pulling his chair in and getting back to work. I’ve been trying to ignore his presence here from day one, and now he’s finally giving up on his ridiculous pursuit of friendship and offering me the same treatment.
Except I’m not. Nothing about the silence that ensues feels good, and suddenly, the only thing worse than attracting his unwanted attention is being deprived of it.
Is this how it feels for him every day?
Guilt gnaws at me as I reach for my computer mouse and get to work. He doesn’t make another attempt to strike up conversation, and without the distraction of his incessant chatter, the hours tick by far too slowly. Cam and Avery never come by. My headache eventually subsides, but the sinking feeling in my stomach swells into a lead weight of regret.
It’s not about the kiss, it’s about the fact that Ilikedit. It’s about how as soon as our mouths fused, I never wanted that kiss to end. I never wanted to come up for air.
I betrayed Dylan, and Ilikedit.
What kind of person does that make me?
Worse than that, now I’m also feeling guilty for blowing Matty off and being cruel when he’s never been anything but kind. It’s a complete contradiction; a total mindfuck. As much as I try to focus on work and finish up my task list for the week, I can’t think straight. My warring emotions get all twisted up, making me question what remains of the morals I was so firmly entrenched in the first time I set foot in this room.
Matty doesn’t check in on our shared projects throughout the day like usual. He just dumps his completed files in the shared drive as he goes, his eyes never drifting up to peek at me over the top of his monitor. As day turns to night, the silence persists, and I start chewing on the inside of my cheek, biting back the urge to say something just to fill the hollow chasm that’s formed between us.
When the inside of my cheek gets so raw that the metallic tinge of blood hits my tongue, I know I can’t take it any longer. Dylan’s gone, but Matty’sright here. I wronged them both, but there’s only one I can make things right with.
“I’m sorry, okay?” I blurt.
Matty’s brow furrows as he peeks up at me over his monitor. The glow of the screen reflects in his eyes, making them impossibly bluer as he tilts his head in question.
I swallow thickly, the words getting stuck in my throat.
Apologies aren’t really my forte.
My shoulders slump as I blow out a slow breath. “I shouldn’t have…kissedyou. I was out of my head, I shouldn’t have led you on like that. I’m sorry, and it won’t happen again.”
Those blue eyes narrow as Matty studies me carefully, his tongue darting out to wet his lips before he finally responds. “I’m not sorry that it happened, Blair,” he murmurs in a low, silky tone, pushing a hand through his chestnut hair. “I’m just sorry that you regret it so much you had to pretend like it didn’t.”
The earnestness in his gaze is like a knife to the heart, my breath stalling in my lungs as I stare back at him unblinkingly. Even if I wanted to respond, it’s like I’ve suddenly lost the ability to form words. My pulse pounds erratically, heat crawling up my neck.
Matty pushes to his feet with a resigned sigh, rolling his neck on his shoulders and stretching his arms above his head. The hem of his t-shirt rides up and I get a glimpse of his hard cutlower abs, biting my already raw cheek to ward off thoughts of what it’d be like to trace my fingertips along the dips and curves of muscle. His shirt falls back into place as he drops his arms to his sides, pivoting to step around his desk and striding for the door.
“Hey, where are you going?” I call out after him, my voice strained.
He pauses in the doorway, swiveling to face me and hooking a thumb over his shoulder. “Figured I’d better grab us some dinner before the dining hall closes since it’s gonna be another late one,” he says, that easy smile of his not quite meeting his eyes. “Be right back.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
the green monster
MATTY
Why are women so damn confusing?
After that kiss, I thought things between us would be different, but Blair may as well be a professional athlete when it comes to this game of hot and cold she’s been playing. When she’s hot, one touch can burn me alive, and when she’s cold, a single look can give me frostbite.
There’s no in between.
It feels as if I’m suddenly competing in an extreme sport without the requisite training or preparation, not even knowing whether we’re teammates or adversaries. It’s equal parts frustrating and thrilling. It’s also fucking exhausting.
