My hands shift to what feels like a growing mass of concrete inside my stomach. Until this moment, I was toying with the idea I might attend Neurovida, meet Parker,andcontinue my studies. But with Parker’s words, he’s killed that fantasy. I’ll need to choose—Neurovida and time traveling.Him.Or clinical psychology, my plan since I was fifteen years old.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Parker says. “This is why knowing things about your future isn’t good.” His eyebrows draw up. “What’s wrong?”
“I just—never considered the possibility that I’d do anything with my life besides psychology.”
“You know, you can be a time traveler and still help people. Look at what you just did for Rose, and your powers aren’t even at full strength.”
I shake my head, pressing my palms into my eyes.
“Please talk to me,” Parker says. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I drop my hands from my face. “It’s stupid, but I’d convinced myself if I became a psychologist, I might finally benormal.”
Parker’s irises darken to a burnt bronze, dragging from my fingers, twisted within the fabric of my sleeve, and up to my face. His eyes dart back and forth between mine, as if looking for something beyond them, and he releases aslow breath. “But Ella, you’re not normal. You’ll never be anything short of incredible.”
Heat crawls up my neck, and I force myself to hold his stare. “It doesn’t feel that way.”
“Doesn’t make it any less true.” His hand flexes, as if he wants to reach out and touch me. As if he’s forgotten he can’t. “I wish you could see what I do,” he says, and with a forced exhale, his hand drops to his side, curling into a tight fist. “I hate being stuck like this. With no control over my life. I don’t want to sound ungrateful to Rose for everything she’s doing for me, because Iamgrateful, but,”—his jaw tenses—“I want my traveling back.”
How differently we view time travel. He’d kill to have his powers back, while I’d pay for someone to take mine away. And if interacting with the past has no influence on the future besides altering memories—
“Why?” I ask.
“Why wouldn’t I?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.
“Because time travel’s the source of all your problems. Without your powers, you’d have a normal life. You wouldn’t be different anymore.”
Parker shakes his head. “These powers don’t make us different, Ella. They make us special. We can literally jump through space and time. Plus, being a time traveler lets you reliveanymemory you want. It’s a gift.”
I let out a self-deprecating laugh. “Living each day once is more than enough for me.”
He searches my face. “Can I ask you a question?” he asks, and I nod. “When we first met after McGregor’s lecture, why did you get upset about me calling you Mari?”
My stomach twists. “It was my nickname as a kid.”
We sit in silence, and my skin crawls.
“Ella,” Parker says softly, but I can’t bring myself to look at him.
“I’m afraid if I tell you, it’ll change the way you see me,” I whisper.
“It won’t,” he says.
“You say that now, but maybe it’s only because the rules at Neurovida didn’tlet metell you about my past.”
“Ella, when we met, I was a mess. I was so wrapped up in my own depression, I didn’t care who I hurt. You saw every ugly side of me, and you forgave me. Repeatedly. I wasn’t worthy of you then, and I’m not worthy of you now. But it kills me to know you’ll go to Neurovida and keep secrets from me.” He runs another hand through his hair. “And being here with you now, before you’re recruited… I know it’s wrong. But it’s made me realize…” He tilts his head to the ceiling, as if offering a silent prayer.
“What?” I whisper, my heart in my throat.
He turns his body toward me, golden eyes filled with grief as they lock with mine. “I want to know everything about you, Ella,” he says, echoing my earlier thoughts. “Your dreams for the future and your favorite childhood memories. Once you get recruited, most of your life becomes a secret.”
My fingers are tangled in the fabric of my sleeve when Parker’s hand settles above mine. My heart sinks because I’m desperate to feel the weight of it, for the touch of his fingertips and the warmth of his skin.
“Please trust me?” he begs.
“I do trust you,” I say, and truer words have never left my mouth.
His voice thickens. “Then tell me,” he says, his voice raw,and it feels as if I’m standing at a precipice. If I take this step, something will change. Between us and within myself. Something I won’t come back from. But that’s the thing about Parker, he makes me want to be brave. To be seen. He makes me want to jump.
