“We’ve got to stop meeting like this.”
Tanisira graces me with a sliver of a smile. I know without asking that she’s still thinking about earlier. I found her on the observation deck, having slipped away to give Vee andme space on the bridge. Once he’d emotionally regulated, he disappeared, too, saying he was going to play some games—the underlying message being that he’d had enough of me babying him. He was going to do big boy stuff, like sublimate his feelings with video games and shoot a few zombies.
My own feelings are a cyclone within me, and there’s no chance I can sublimate any of them; I’m the adult here. I don’t know what to do about the situation I’ve found myself in. I snuck onboard my rich baby daddy’s ship to kidnap my son back, and ended up in a pseudo-relationship with the captain, who my son is obsessed with and who I don’t want to leave behind either. It’s practically a soap opera.
My heart feels like it’s being tugged in a dozen different directions. I should have stuck to my guns— I was protecting us both when I told Tanisira that it was better to think of this connection finite. Mostly, though, I was protecting myself. I can admit that now.
“Is Vee okay?”
I nod absentmindedly. “He’s just not ready to reach Mars tomorrow.”
Tanisira sighs softly. “Neither are we, it seems.”
“No, neither are we.”
The silences between us have taken on a new weight over the past few hours. I’d love to go back to the way they were, when it didn’t feel like whole lifetimes were crammed into them. I wish we could just exist.
“You never told me what it was you wanted to do,” Tanisira suddenly says, leaning back against the handrail.
“What do you mean?”
“When you worry that you’ve left your dreams behind, what is it you think of?”
“Oh.” I peer at her, wondering why this is coming up now. It feels like the wrong thing to be talking about. But, also, no one has ever actually asked me, and I’m a little embarrassed.
Tanisira waits.
“You can’t laugh,” I say sternly.
“I would never do that.”
Squinting, I size her up. This woman has seen me naked, but this feels harder than stripping in front of her. I lace my fingers behind my back so she can’t see my tremors.
“I studied engineering because my parents pushed me to, but I always wanted to go into…”
Tanisira raises an eyebrow.
“Tattoo artistry,” I finish.
She doesn’t even twitch. “You draw?”
My chest feels wrung out. It’s a career, like any other, and can be a great one if you build a substantial portfolio and client base. There are so many exciting developments in body modification. Still, I’ve always found it hard to tell people; the few who found out weren’t exactly supportive. Tattooing as a hobby: great. As a single mother’s career? I might as well have suggested cannibalism. Apparently, single parents aren’t allowed to have ideas above their station.
I’m still a little bitter about it.
I force my focus back to Tanisira. “I used to.”
“And then you had Vee?”
“Not just Vee—my whole life changed. Look, I don’t want you to think that I put my failures on—”
Tanisira steps shoots forward at that. “Not failures. You’re incredibly accomplished; I don’t think it’s being fair to yourself to call your experiences failures.”
“You might be right.”
“I know I am.” She slides her arms around my waist, sending sparks racing along my spine. “I don’t think I’ve ever been wrong about you.”
Those sparks settle into a single flame that licks at my bones. I don’t like that a simple touch from the captain can make me feel like this. I lean in so I can hide my face, my quickened breath. Her scent invades my nose, and I clutch at her.
