“Sure.”
And even though I know it was just an excuse for Tanisira to take a break from her family, I still end up with butterflies gnawing at my insides. Though simulated, it’s technically spring in the city and the weather is mild, so all we take with us are our slates. Vee and Yimirisé barely look up when we leave, but Kiran shoots us a knowing look.
A lift takes us down thirty floors and spits us out into a balmy day alive with the buzz of city life. Tanisira touches a hand to my waist and guides me down a quiet path to the right, but she drops it almost immediately. I know she’s not the physical affection in public type, and I try not to take itpersonally, but it stings anyway. For a few minutes, we walk in silent companionship. Maglevs and hovercars zoom past, and the sound of children playing nearby drifts over.
It’s a residential area, and identical buildings rise above us in every direction. They’re tall and wide, slightly curved like crescents and staggered in a grid that probably makes sense from above. The walls and balconies are covered with greenery, and they all feature expansive windows. It makes sense considering where Mars sits in the solar system; the days are dimmer. Apparently, the dome concentrates the brightness a little but it’s nowhere near the intensity of the sun on Telluria.
I glance at Tanisira out of the corner of my eye. She’s not watching where she’s going, staring at her feet instead. A slight frown puckers her brow. Her hands are in her pockets, but I know they’re tense. I wish I could just reach out and take hold of one; two days ago, I would have been able to without thinking about it. She likes to be touched, even if she finds it hard to initiate something as simple as holding hands. It’s effortless to me, not so much to her.
Now, everything feels different—wrong.
I want to bridge the chasm between us, and itisup to me. Tanisira has shown me, again and again, how much she cares about me; all I’ve done is hesitate and push her away. I’m scared that I’ve ruined whatever we had. If it turns out that Tanisira’s only being kind to me now until we get back to Telluria, I don’t know how I’ll survive that heartache—if it turns out that she no longer wants me.Us.
Tanisira seeks redemption for her past. What if she’s only determined to get me home because it’s the right thing to do?
I just need to ask her where we stand.
No—I need to be brave and tell her I want to give this a shot.
I open my mouth and slam it shut again. Two more times because I’m an idiot, and then I finally blurt, “Where’s Mae?”
As soon as it’s out, I squeeze my eyes shut and exhale slowly. What. The. Fuck. I didn’t even mean it; I don’t care about Mae.
Tanisira halts. It takes me a moment to realise that I’m now ahead of her, but I force myself to turn and face the consequences. Her glare is so potent that I actually step back.
“Where’s Mae?” she echoes.
My hands fly up in defence. “I know. That was fucking stupid.”
She shakes her head. I wince. She looks exhausted, and my fear doubles because I’m scared that I really am pushing her away.
“I messed up, Tee.”
“Which time?”
“I deserve that. I don’t care about Mae; it just slipped out. I really appreciate her help, actually. I’m...” Floundering for the right words, panic makes it hard to focus. The tips of my fingers are numb and my heart pounds. “Trying. I just—I’m just—”
Why is this so hard? I inhale shakily, trying to push through that calcified barrier of bone and blood and tears that built up around me after every painful moment as a child. I hate being vulnerable; I hate letting anyone see the mess inside me. I hate that I always ran from the difficult things, and now I don’t know how to be honest with Tanisira. I’d rather cut myself open physically than do it emotionally, and now I can’t even tell her how I feel. That I’m afraid she’ll realise there’s nothing in me worth fighting for. That my whole life boils down to my ten-year-old, and I don’t know if I’m enough for her on my own. That I’ve been a disappointment my whole life, and I can’t bear to be a disappointment to her, too.
“I’m scared,” I force out, wishing I could make myself look up. I feel sick, and I need this to be over, but Tanisira’s expression has the potential to undo me. “You have every right to be done with me.”
“Done with you?”
The paving stones beneath her feet are a soft, mottled grey and meticulously laid. On either side of the path, grass waves in the breeze, forming a neatly arranged audience. Some distance away, a football lies forgotten on the street.
“Marlowe, is that what you think?”
Ithinkit was so much easier to tell Tanisira how I felt when I thought we’d part ways at Red Horizon. Ithinkit’s about time I stop using Vee as an excuse to never do the scary thing. Ithinkit’s time I stop hiding.
Tanisira’s expression is indecipherable when I finally drag my gaze up, which is so much worse. Her arms are down by her side, so at least her body language isn’t closed off. My stomach flip-flops anyway, but I push past it. If I don’t say this now, I never will.
“I hope not, because I’m not done with you. I kind of don’t ever want to be.”
Her face softens, as much as it can with that villainous eyebrow. I can’t stand this; skin unzipped, exposing all the disgusting viscera that makes me human—hoping that it’s not too much for a woman who’s had to deal with so many other people’s shit.
“You think I wear heels just for anyone?” Tanisira says, proving I sometimes make good choices.
My exhale is part relief, part laughter. I wouldn’t have blamed her for making me work harder, but she’s a good person, whether she believes that or not. She isn’t cruel, despite everything that’s been thrown at her. I launch myself at her, and she doesn’t miss a beat; forms tight bands around me with her arms. Inhaling that familiar scent, I melt and bury my face into her chest because letting her see my tears would be too much.
