“That’s okay, too. You just tell me if that changes.”
Vee hesitates. “Does this mean we get to go home now?”
I can only nod, my throat tight, eyes itchy.
I just don’t know if I want to go back anymore.
Immeasurably
The next morning, I’m up before Tanisira, my stomach rolling with nerves. I feel like Vee, like there are ants under my skin. I don’t want to wake her up with my fidgeting, so I head for the kitchen. As I’m closing the living room door behind me, Kiran’s door opens halfway down the hall. And who should emerge, but Beau Bouchard?
My jaw drops. They haven’t seen me—I’m treated to the image of them trying to shut the door quietly and then turning to tiptoe away. The snort I let out catches their attention. Beau slowly turns around, dread set into every line of their face. It only lightens a smidge when they realise it’s me. I raisean eyebrow. They put their hands together in a mimicry of supplication and squeeze their eyes shut.
I mean, Tanisira very clearly didn’t want anyone messing with her sister. On the other hand, Kiran’s 27 and able to make her own decisions. None of us have the right to tell either of them who they can sleep with. Still, it’s funny to let Beau stew a little, so I raise the other eyebrow until I’m staring at them like I have no idea what they want.
Beau, in socked feet and bedhead, looks on the verge of booking it. I give in, smile and make a shooing gesture. It’s none of my business.
Beau escapes the house as I brew a pot of coffee and nab a leftover pastry. It’s just past five am, and the sunrise is a strange and pale beauty on the horizon. With my mug steaming up a section of the window, I stare out at the beautiful city below.
What am I going to do?
My resistance to going home isn’t because I want to stay here, as lovely as it is. Suryavana’s gorgeous and peaceful, and it’d be a nice life. But I find myself experimenting with the image of a future with Vee and Tanisira, on a ship filled with laughter and love. It just isn’t a feasible one. Vee’s school, his friends, his whole life is on Telluria. I know better than most how damaging it can be to a child when your parents move you all over the place and take you away from everything you know. I’ll ask Vee, but I think he’ll want to go home.
Picturing theHomeboundleaving us behind, saying goodbye, is painful. A groan of frustration fogs the window in front of me. Sometimes, I hate being the adult.
I think of Tanisira, who’s always had to be the adult, and sober up a little.
Speaking of the devil, she comes schlepping into the kitchen, a huge yawn cracking her jaw, and starts making tea.
“Morning,” she croaks.
I stifle a smile and take over, gesturing for her to sit. It’s the least I can do; she did such a thorough job of keeping me out of my head last night. I have bruises on my hips, and she’s got bite marks on her shoulder from where I tried to be quiet. I slip the mug in front of her, heat a pastry because she likes them warm, and then climb into her lap and curl up like a baby.
I have no defences today.
Tanisira laughs, low and deep, the sound rumbling through my back. “Okay then.”
I say nothing, just hand her the tea and make myself smaller so she can reach around me when she’s ready to. Unsurprisingly, we slept heavily, and there was little cuddling in the face of that. In fact, I woke up in the same position I fell asleep in, which is always a sign I’m bone tired. The RIND is a negative feedback loop; the more I exhaust myself, the worse I feel, and the worse I feel, the easier it is to exhaust myself.
Super fun.
We sit in comfortable silence until Yimirisé bustles in, grabs a coffee and heads out to open the bakery, flashing a sweet smile our way. Kiran comes along soon after, packs some leftovers for lunch and blows us kisses on her way out the door. I’m a little scared of her after some of the things she sent her ex—she just looks so innocent.
Still, the two have a happy little life here.
“Are you happy?” I murmur into Tanisira’s collarbone.
She tilts my head up so she can search my face. Her own softens as she speaks, breath honeyed with sugar. “Immeasurably.”
I exhale deeply, grab my courage by the balls. “What’s going to happen now?”
I know Tanisira has probably been thinking about this just as much as I have; she doesn’t look as dejected as I feel, though.It takes some doing to not let that annoy me. Given my anxiety, it’d be easy to let my pain out in unhelpful ways, maybe cause an argument, some cathartic storming out. What a massive waste of time that would be. Would feel good in the moment, though.
Sometimes, communicating honestly is like being dragged over a cheese grater, and I hate it.
“We still have time to figure that out.”
“No.” I shake my head. “We don’t.”
