Despite my earlier fatigue, I’m now violently awake.
This is proof that Dominik didn’t just decide to take Vee on a whim. This was planned. The journey itself might have been last minute, but he must have been cooking this up beforehand. One of the posters issignedto Vee.Rage swells in my throat.
It’s too much excitement for my rapidly waning body. I list a little, but a hand at my elbow prevents me from face-planting. I’ve never been lightheaded with anger before. I shoot Tanisira a thin smile, but it doesn’t fool her. In fact, much like in the medical bay, she looks extremely unimpressed.
“You need rest.”
Vee is busy rummaging through one of his piles, so I turn to her. “Has Kit got that list ready yet? What’s happening?”
“She’s limited by the loss of sensors, but don’t worry about that right now. You can barely stand, and the aches will get worse when the healing starts. The itching alone will drive you insane.” Her eyes are dark with disapproval. “Let me show you to a cabin of your own.”
I cast a look at our surroundings. “Of my own?”
Here, the harsh expression slips a little. “Not your own, but one you can stay in.”
I laugh humourlessly but Vee distracts us, running over with a child sized flight suit. There’s a patch with his name on it, as well as a logo for theMidas. Something in my head seems to come loose. I don’t see red—I don’t know if I can even describe the sensation accurately—but I suddenly want to smash everything in sight.
I inhale sharply, so incandescent with anger that not even the pain of my diaphragm against my ribs can ease it. A brief dizziness overcomes me.
“Mum?” The light in Vee’s eyes is no dimmer for my lack of enthusiasm.
“I think...I need to go lie down,” I say faintly.
Concern blooms, and he throws the suit at the bed before hugging me so gently it’s like the whisper of a touch. “Okay. Will you be near me?”
I glance at Tanisira, who’s watching me closely, for the answer. She nods. “Just two cabins down.”
I kiss Vee on the forehead, let him squirm a little, and then leave him to his games. Tanisira leads me to a neighbouring cabin, ushering me inside. I’m hanging on by a thread. My insides vibrate so hard that I expect to blow apart any second now.
“Harvey can’t hear you in here.”
I’m surprised to find Tanisira standing close, looking down at me. A frown carves its way across my forehead, but she isn’tbeing judgmental. I nod, thoughtlessly shoving my good hand through my hair. It’s an absolute nest at this point and my hand gets stuck in the tangles and something in me justcracks.
The anger pours out of me—like bile, like steam, like lava.
“Fuck.” And then I scream. All my rage concentrated into one throat-scoring yell pulled deep from my soul. Blindly—needing to feel something break, something that isn’tme—I reach out for the nearest object and launch it across the room. The pretty vintage clock crumples against the bulkhead and flies into pieces.
Pain flares up throughout my whole body, trying to take me into pieces too, lighting me up like fireworks. I grunt, bear it out, squeeze back tears as I struggle for breath for a long, long moment. It hurts in all the best and all the worst ways. The sound of destruction was satisfying, but it wasn’t enough. I want more. Even if it hurts, I want more.
“Where’s Dominik’s cabin?” Tanisira tilts her head, and I point in the direction we came from, my hand trembling. “It’s next door, isn’t it?”
She looks into my eyes—and they must be blazing, must be absolutely unhinged—but she doesn’t flinch. Instead, she turns and leads the way without a single word. When she lets me into Dominik’s cabin, which is indeed the one between Vee’s and mine, I don’t even stop to take in the opulence.
I smash through the vintage paintings first, using my good hand to angle the frame and my good leg to drive a hole in the canvas. The splinter of wood is like music to my ears. I leave shards all over the expensive rug. Dominik has a thing for vintage clocks, and there’s a much bigger one in here. I don’t throw this one; I rip it off its fixings and stomp it to pieces.
I just go absolutely fucking berserk.
The captain leans against the door and watches me.
The existence of that flight suit is the biggest ‘fuck you’ Dominik has ever perpetrated against me. But mostly, I’m just exhausted byeverything. It’s been years of keeping him at a distance, while both trying to foster a relationship between him and Vee and protecting my peace. For what? I scream again in pure frustration as I smash my way through more furniture. When I’m done, when I physically can’t exert any more energy, I collapse onto a chair and burst into silent tears.
This is so fucking humiliating.
I want to be alone, I want Tanisira to go, I want to wallow in both the physical and the psychological pain for a while. Haven’t I earned that? It’s hard to breathe, though, so I can’t ask her to leave straight away. Whilst I’m trying to catch my breath, each inhale like a dart in my side, she kneels at my feet, careful to avoid splinters of wood.
“Let’s get you next door. You can sleep.”
A startled laugh manages to find its way out of my mouth. Tanisira is close enough to see me wince and looks like she wants to chastise me for it.
