A lump tries to form in my throat. There’s no way I’m about to get emotional about this in front of her, so I start unpacking our lunch.
“You never have to think about him again.”
My head snaps up at the gravel in her tone. She’s watching me intently, deadly serious, and it sends my stomach swooping. Cursed stars, after everything I’ve learned, Ishouldn’tbe attracted to the idea of her causing harm, using her body asa weapon. But I remember how adept she was with the Pulse Guard, the sheer lethality of her motions, the speed and the grace. She moved like a shadow. And maybe it’s in response to the fuckery of last night, but it affects my body in a way violence never has before; desire drip drip drips like honey in my veins.
Tanisira protected me. I fucked up her plan and she didn’t even hesitate.
“What?” She jerks me out of my daydream. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Where did you get the weapon?”
It’s the first thing I can think of—Tanisira doesn’t push, though.
“There are a few places on the waystation.” She tilts her head. “If you know where to go. I… learned about them from previous clients.”
I quirk an eyebrow “And do you make a habit of carrying illegal weaponsthesedays?”
“No.”
Her gaze slides away, and a second later, I hear soft footsteps behind me. Vee throws himself down at my side and I strike, planting a big kiss on his cheek, hoping to lighten the mood. He whines and pouts at me.
“That’s for being late.”
“I wasn’t late. I was here, exploring!”
I hope he didn’t hear any of our conversation; he’s been so happy during this journey, and it would be a shame if Vee’s memories of Tanisira were tainted. He looks blissfully unaware, though, surprising me by putting his head on my lap. I watch him pull a bundle of Lunar Lotus out of his pocket and proceed to shove them into his mouth in one go. I try not to wince at the pocket fluff he’s ingesting. Gross.
“You okay, baby?” I murmur, sifting my fingers through his curls. The days of Vee coming to me for cuddles and kisses are so far and few between that this is a little strange.
He hums and reaches for a sandwich, pushes that into his mouth in one go, too.
When I glance up, Tanisira’s observing us with an expression I can only describe as longing, her eyes fixed on my hand as it cards through Vee’s hair. I don’t say anything, just watch her watching us until her focus glides away. She takes a sharp inhale and comes back to the present.
“Where did you go?” I ask.
“Tell me about your parents,” she says instead.
I laugh. It’s so ironic that I’ve orchestrated a picnic date with my two favourite people only to end up being stonewalled by both.
With an exaggerated squint, I say, “I just realised you’re now one of my favourite people.”
Tanisira blinks. Her hands, laid flat on the ground on either side of her, twitch. She appears to be having a system shut down.
“Why?” She manages to choke out eventually.
“Why not?” I counter, wanting to push her buttons a little. But she doesn’t laugh, doesn’t even ghost a smile. She looks...
“I don’t know that I deserve that distinction.”
She looks lost. And I can’t believe that this woman, who did all those things for me yesterday, thinks she doesn’t deserve this. This little thing.
My heart feels heavy behind my ribs, and a sad smile slips free. “Oh, Tee. How ever are we going to say goodbye to you?”
Her reaction is visceral; it’s a recoil, a violent flinch. Vee suddenly leaps up with a cry and darts away, faster than I’ve ever seen him move. My stomach drops. There’s a delay inmy reaction, but then I chase after Vee, wondering what just happened?
Of all the places on the ship, I find him on the bridge, curled up at Tanisira’s station. Most days, I marvel at how tall he’s gotten, at how soon he’ll overtake me in height, but right now he looks small. I lay a hand on the back of his neck, and it feels too warm. With his face buried in his arms, his crying is muffled.
I kneel beside him. “Vee, what is it? What’s wrong?”
