‘Imagine what it’ll be like once the back of the house is opened up and the deck is built.’ Noah helped her to unravel the fish and chips from the paper. ‘This’ll be your view every time you eat dinner.’
‘Uh, actually …’ Had she never mentioned her intentions? ‘I don’t plan on living in the house. I’ll either sell it once the renovations are done or rent it out on Airbnb, I haven’t decided yet. I have a job in Queensland I need to get back to, and the owners of the house I’m renting want to sell.’ She shrugged. ‘I’ve been there four years, so it’s home, you know? I’m hoping to buy it.’
Noah stared at her, his brows raised, though his expression seemed guarded. ‘Right. I didn’t realise.’
No, he wouldn’t. Why would he? She never volunteered information about herself to anyone. Ever.
‘So …’ He picked up a chip and held it aloft. ‘To what do I owe this pleasure? Is this your way of compensating for not paying me as much as you want to? You gonna keep throwing sneaky free meals into the remuneration package?’ He popped the chip in his mouth and eyed her shrewdly.
She couldn’t help laughing. ‘No, this is honestly just a thank you. What with your commitments on the farm and your dad being unwell, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your efforts.’
‘Honestly, it’s like you’re doing me a favour. I love the whole renovation process. Doesn’t feel like work to me at all.’ He turned towards the river, crossed his ankles and grabbed a few more chips. ‘So, Ellie mentioned Dad being sick, huh?’
‘Yeah, I hope that was okay.’
He shrugged. ‘I know as well as anyone that there’s no such thing as privacy in a town this size.’
Beth smiled sadly. ‘Is he okay? Your dad, I mean.’ If he was ill, like, terminally ill, maybe she could offer some words of comfort. She’d lost her mum, after all. Had watched her battle the disease that eventually took her life.
Noah nodded, though he looked pale as he scrubbed a hand over his face. ‘He will be, but bloody hell, he scared the hell out of me, Beth.’
‘Can I ask what happened?’ She tore a strip from a piece of battered fish but wasn’t sure she could stomach it until she’d heard Noah’s story.
‘You can, and I don’t mind telling you, but it’s not really dinner conversation.’
‘Even so, maybe you just need to get it off your chest.’
‘Yeah, maybe it will help.’
She waited, knowing that he’d talk when he was ready.
He leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees and cleared his throat. ‘Three months ago, Dad had the brilliant idea to check the firebreaks. Don’t know why, because it’s a stupid time of year to do it, what with all the rain. Makes the tracks too boggy. But he couldn’t be talked out of it and, of course, his ute ended up half-submerged in mud. He managed to radio through, thank god, so I got in the tractor—’ Clearly overcome with whatever memories haunted him, Noah hung his head, his body sagging under the weight of his emotions.
Wanting to offer comfort, though not entirely sure how, Beth put a hand on his shoulder.
He cleared his throat again and continued. ‘When I crested the hill, I could see the silly bugger was knee deep in mud, trying to clear it away from the front wheel. Why he didn’t just wait for me to show up with the tractor, I have no idea. But the closer I got, I could see something wasn’t right. He kept stopping to rub his arm and his chest. And when I was only about twenty metres away, he collapsed.’
‘God, that’s horrible.’ Beth gave his shoulder a squeeze, but Noah reached up, took her hand and put it on his knee. He stared down at their joined hands for a moment longer, then looked at her with heartbreaking vulnerability.
‘I thought he was having a heart attack, Beth, right there in the mud.’
Her chest tightened with sympathy. He must’ve felt so alone and helpless in that moment.
‘Turns out it was angina, not a heart attack, but at the time, I thought we were going to lose him.’ When his face crumpled, he turned away and swore. ‘Can you believe that my first thought was how I’d be left to shoulder the responsibility of running the farm? My dad might’ve been dying right in front of me, and all I cared about was the burden I’d be left with.’
She shook her head, fiercely—she couldn’t stand the self-loathing she heard in his voice. ‘It’s human nature to think about how our lives will be affected in a situation like that. Don’t be so hard on yourself.’
‘Yeah, well, apparently, it’s in my nature to be a selfish bastard.’
‘It’snotselfishness, Noah,’ she said, passion making her voice tremble. ‘You just went into survival mode. Our brains flip a switch when we’re faced with tragedy and we automatically start thinking about what we need to do to survive. Youcannothold yourself accountable for the thoughts you had in that moment.’ Her heart thumped in her chest. Those words were the boldest she’d ever spoken.
Looking back at her, Noah tightened his grip on her hand. ‘Sounds like you’re speaking from personal experience.’
She hesitated, then nodded, but couldn’t bring herself to look at him.
In the past, she might’ve said something like,yeah, you could say that, and leave it at that. Because she was terrified of being vulnerable, of opening up to people. But now, in this moment with Noah, she wanted to say more. To open up and show him something of herself. To be honest and raw and real. So she swallowed her fear and spoke words she’d never uttered to anyone.
‘I lost my mum to breast cancer four years ago.’
