She was shaking her head near-violently, those familiar eyes tear-filled and horrified, but he barreled on before she could interject.
“And even after I knew, I didn’t do the right thing. I didn’t come back home to support you.” After so many years, the shame of it still burned, still turned his face tight and hot. “Instead, I stayed across the fucking country and avoided visits, because I couldn’t handle all the guilt, even though I fucking deserved every bit of it.”
Her mouth had closed, and she was waiting patiently for him to finish. But her knee nudged against his leg, and she was warm and soft, and oh, fuck, he fuckingmissedher, and he fucking missed Wren, and he hurt so badly. So, so badly.
Even though his voice hitched, he powered through the rest of it. “B-But at long last, I finally want to do the right thing. And maybe that’s moving here, where you are, so y-you’re not alone anymore.”
When he bent his head, his tears dripped onto a slice of toast she’d lovingly made for him, ruining it.
“I’m so sorry, Mom.” His chest heaved as he fought for air. “I’m so, so sorry.”
Then he couldn’t speak anymore, and somehow he was crying in his mother’s cradling arms for the first time in decades, his face pressed against her neck. Even after all these years, she still smelled like baby powder. Baby powder and comfort andMom,and heneededher.
After several minutes, when he was sniffling instead of sobbing, her shoulders rose and fell in a deep breath. Two. Three.
Then she spoke quietly against the crown of his head. “Are you done, sweetheart?”
He nodded, eyes squeezed shut against her shoulder.
“Okay, then. My turn to talk, and please let me finish without interruption.” It was a request she’d made countless times during his childhood, because she knew him. She knew he’d want to interject, to argue, no matter what she said. “First of all, I’m not alone. I have coworkers and neighbors and friends, and when I spend time by myself, it’s because I want a little peace. I’m not like you, Alex. I sometimes need breaks from other people.”
All those people weren’tfamily,though. “But—”
“What did I say about interruptions?” The familiar, fond-but-stern tone snapped his mouth shut. “You haven’t abandoned me, sweetheart. We talk several times a week, and we have ever since Jimmy died. Yes, I’d prefer more frequent visits, but that doesn’t require moving here, and it doesn’t mean I’m lonely. I’m not. I just love my son and want to see him more often.”
It was an interruption, but it had to be said. “I want to see you more often too.”
“Then get out your calendar once you’re home, and we’ll schedule some visits.” With a tender hand against his cheek, she urged his head from her shoulder. “Now let’s talk about Jimmy.”
At the sound of that monster’s name, Alex flinched.
But his mother’s eyes met his directly. Her brow was clear, her body relaxed. She didn’t look scared or ashamed. Just … sad. Forhim,which was so like her he could have cried again.
“If I’d known how you felt, I’d have said this years ago. But I’m saying it now, and I want you to listen closely, Alexander Bernard Woodroe.” Her palms cupping his face, she enunciated each word distinctly. “You are not and have never beenselfish. You didn’t notice his abuse because wekeptit from you, baby. I was too scared and ashamed to say anything, and Jimmy wanted to isolate me, so he encouraged more distance between us.”
When he tried to protest, she spoke over him. “You weren’t my keeper, and you weren’t an expert on domestic violence. You were a young man with a life of his own and goals of his own, and Iwantedthat for you. Iwantedyou to have your own life.”
Lauren had said almost the exact same thing to him, only days before.
The two women he loved most in the world, the two women he trusted most in the world, the two women who never, ever lied to him, were telling himthe exact same thing.
He exhaled shakily, his heart uncramping just a little in his aching chest.
His mother swept a thumb over his cheek, wiping away a stray tear.
“I didn’t work so damn hard all those years to keep you by my side forever. I did it so you’d grow up strong and smart. So you’d have the chance to elbow your way into the world and make it yours.” Her lips tipped up in a smile, even though her eyes were wet again. “Which is exactly what you did, Alex, and it makes me so freaking proud. Of you, but of me too. I’m your mom, and I raised you to be a hard worker and a good man, and that’spreciselywhat you are.”
It didn’t sound like a platitude or false comfort.
It sounded like truth, as his mom saw it.
“So let me be clear.” She shook his face a little in emphasis. “It would break my heart to watch you give up your life and career for me. It’s not what I want, and it’s not necessary. I’m an adult and perfectly able to care for myself and ask for help if I need it.”
He pinched his mouth tight, loath to speak the words that sprang to mind.
Even without those words, his mother correctly read his expression. “Yes, I know. I didn’t ask for help when I needed it before. But it’s been eleven years, Alex, and I’m not the same person I was then.”
For the first time, he could clearly see that.
