He was probably relieved that she had refused him. Now she could go back to the way she’d been before they’d made love. Touching her lips, still swollen from his kisses, tears coursed down her cheeks. Something shriveled up inside her as she realized Worthington would never hold her or kiss her again. She dried her eyes and rolled over, staring at the bed canopy.
The only time she’d been more miserable was when her parents had died. She shuddered to think what her mama or papa would have said about her behavior with Worthington. Then again, under the circumstances they might have understood, at least a little. They loved each other so very much, and loved her and the other children. She had been able to talk to Mama and Papa about anything. They would have been able to advise her. Then again, if they had not died, she would not be in such a muddle.
One lone tear escaped from the corner of her eye. In its own way, what she was going through with Worthington was worse. Far worse. For she would meet him everywhere and never have him in her life.
* * *
Matt made his way across Berkeley Square, trying to grapple with the idea of having eleven children. He wasn’t at all sure he wanted his sisters involved and was a little insulted that Charlotte and Walter had dismissed him as a potential husband for Grace. After all, how did they know what he could and couldn’t accept?
Aside from that, Matt had taken her innocence. If he’d been enough of a gentleman to refuse, she’d still be a virgin. He rubbed a hand over his face as he entered the square and glanced back over his shoulder.
Gazing back at him was Mary’s face squished against the glass of a first-floor window watching him. Next to her was Philip. The older children stood with solemn faces staring at him as he walked through the park. When he reached the other side of Berkeley Square, he waved away the footman and let himself into his house.
Once he reached his study, he poured a large brandy and took a swallow. He relished the familiar burn as it cleared his head. Seven and four, eleven children. No matter how many times he’d add the numbers, they would be the same. If he could persuade her to marry him, they’d start out with eleven children between them. If she was as fertile as her mother . . . the only decision would be the date of the wedding.
He could understand why she’d be leery about trusting anyone with her brothers and sisters. Could she learn to trust him with the children? Could he live without her? Bloody, bloody, hell. He hurled the glass at the fireplace. Crystal shattered and the flame flared as the wine hit. It didn’t feel as good as it should have.
It was midnight before Matt sought his bed, and still he couldn’t sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, visions of Grace as he made love to her were replaced by hundreds of children. Giving up on slumber, he dressed and went back to his study.
Sometime later, Thorton brought breakfast. The rare roast beef turned to ashes in Matt’s mouth and he had it taken away. Dropping his head to his hands, he groaned. Why couldn’t he think? He rose and poured a glass of brandy.
For a reason he couldn’t understand, whenever his mind reached the idea of not sharing his life with Grace, it stopped and refused to go any further. Living without her was not an option. She would have to learn to trust him with the children. But how was he to convince her?
A knock sounded on the door, and Patience entered. She regarded him for several moments before raising her brows. “Is it not a little early for that?”
He lifted his glass. “Under the circumstances, no.”
“Matt, I’ve never known you to drink so early in the day. Do you want to tell me what is bothering you?”
He considered briefly telling her to go away, but there was no denying he needed help, and she was a mother. He turned his chair to face her. “Yes. Please, have a seat.”
Taking the chair in front of his desk, Patience gazed at him expectantly. When he didn’t say anything, she asked, “Does it have anything to do with your lady?”
He really had no idea exactly how perceptive Patience was. Matt couldn’t help heaving a sigh. “It does. Her name is Lady Grace Carpenter.”
“Ah.” She nodded sagely. “I see.”
It was good that at least one of them did. “You do? How?”
“I would have thought that was obvious. It is no great secret that she won a hard-fought battle for guardianship of her brothers and sisters. It took her over a year to do it. Her maternal grandfather finally tipped it in her favor. He agreed to share guardianship with her, though he made it clear, the children would live with Lady Grace. He died several months ago. I don’t know how or if that will affect the matter.”
For one thing, it would cause Grace to think she could not wed. If Lord Timothy were still alive, she wouldn’t have to give up control of the children. Matt rubbed his forehead. “I don’t understand why no one helped her.”
“Her aunts and uncles on the Carpenter side were more than willing to take a child or two . . .” He grimaced. Charlotte had told him the same thing. Patience continued, “She’s been in fact, if not in law, their sole guardian for probably three years now.”
That long. With no one other than servants and teachers to help her? He drew his brows together. “How old is her brother Stanwood?”
Shrugging her shoulders, Patience glanced around. “Where is yourDebrett’s?”
Matt went over to the bookshelf and pulled it out. After a few minutes, he glanced up. “Sixteen. Five years before he can act as guardian.”
“He would still be too young to raise his brothers and sisters.” Patience shook her head. “And you will never wrest the other children from her.”
He replaced the book back on the shelf, returning to his seat. What he was about to say would affect his stepmother as well. “I have no desire to take her brothers and sisters from her. I am well aware I must be ready to take on her whole brood. They know it as well.”
Patience’s lips tightened. “In addition to the one you already have.”
He knew this would come up sooner or later. It was best to put her at ease now. “Did you think I’ve not considered that? None of us could live in a house with eleven children at each other’s throats.”
