Kelsey grimaced.
‘His dating profile said he was thirty-six but I swear, Kelse, he was sixty-six if he was a day. He said, “I’m just nipping inside for a pint of milk”, and I was left standing by the sacks of barbecue charcoal feeling like a right plum. When he came out again he looked at me, all wide-eyed and disbelieving and said, “You’re still here? Usually, my dates have left at this point.”Thatwas when I left.’
‘Oh, Mirr! What are these blokes thinking?’
‘Then there was the farmer. Out of all of them, he’d sounded the most promising. I went all the way to Fife to meet him. Arranging to meet in a nightclub is never ideal though, is it? I mean it’s all right formeetingsomeone for the first time, if you know what I mean, before maybe possibly leaving with them, but it’s not an environment conducive to an actual date, especially when the nightclub in question is above an Argos on the high street and half the people in there are just knocking off from their shift in the warehouse downstairs and are still wearing their work tabards.
‘The first thing he said was, “You can buy your own drinks, if you don’t mind.” So I told him of course I didn’t mind, but I realised when the barman came over that this guy didn’t have a drink and he wasn’t reaching for his wallet either, so I ended up offering to get him one, like an idiot.
‘We only got as far as one drink though. He started quizzing me on what I do for a living. He kept saying, “So you’ve got money of your own?” because, apparently, he was fed up with the local women thinking he was a millionaire just because he was a farmer with two thousand acres, a vintage Lotus Elise, six luxury holiday lets and an award-winning farm shop on site.’
‘Right, so hewasa millionaire then?’ said Kelsey.
‘Aye, and with zero personality and a complex about gold-digging women, or any women really. I was out of there by half nine, just as the S Club 7 medley was starting. He said he’d walk me down to the street only I’d probably expect him to spring for a cab, so I left him sitting by the bar. I heard him ordering himself a beer as I walked away.’
‘Charming.’
‘Right? But that wasn’t even the worst one this month.’
‘You’ve been on three dates this month? It’s only the twenty-sixth today.’
‘Two evenings, one lunch. Oh, and there was another one in a bar, didn’t go well either.’ Mirren tried not to think about Andrew and his grabbing hands and red face. ‘What of it? Anyway, I never really got the chance to date, what with meeting Preston at school, so I’ve tried making up for it.’
Kelsey assumed a blank expression.
‘Anyway, me and this army recruiter guy were supposed to meet at the pub for a ploughman’s and we’d had a really nice chat setting it up, see?’ Mirren flashed her phone screen at Kelsey long enough for her to glimpse an alternating sequence of coloured boxes indicating a long conversation, but not long enough to catch any specifics. ‘But he never showed up. I’d been there long enough to order and eat my food – I wasn’t going to pass up a ploughman’s – when he messaged, just as I was getting ready to leave, saying he’d been delayed at work and could he come now, but I didn’t reply. You either show up for our date as planned, or you don’t. No second chances.’
‘Wow, Mirr, that’s tough.’
‘If that’s his attitude to a first date what would he be like in an actual relationship? Naw, hard pass for me. But it’s a shame, I was imagining him as the nicest looking one of the bunch.’
‘Hotter than Crocs man?’
‘Hah, Funny. No, look at his profile.’ Mirren enlarged the picture and passed her phone to Kelsey.
She squinted. ‘OK, promising.’
‘I had high hopes based on that jawline and that army buzzcut.’
‘Sounds like you liked this one. Maybe you should give him another chance?’
‘Nope. I am as constant as the North Star. Once I’ve made up my mind, it’s made up.’
They came to a stop in front of a fountain with a silver swan at its centre. Mirren stepped up onto its little raised platform so she towered over Kelsey. ‘In fact, Kelse, that’s what I want to tell you. I thought about it all the way down on the train and I am now completely, utterly, decided. Drum roll please.’
Kelsey obliged, tapping out a rhythm on her empty espresso cup.
‘Thank you.’ Mirren stretched her spine and proclaimed dramatically to the sky, ‘I’ve come to a resolution. Henceforth, Mirren Imrie is swearing off men. I’m clearly no good at picking them and no good at keeping them either, and frankly, I’m sick of the weirdos and the perverts and the liars and the Flash Harrys and…’
‘I get the picture,’ said Kelsey.
‘Right, good. I’m done with the lot of ’em.’ Mirren nodded her head sharply only to wince at the hangover pain, but they both still laughed and sat down on the edge of the fountain.
Kelsey watched as her friend’s curling smile slowly faded. A dullness sneaked across her previously animated face. Kelsey knew exactly what Mirren was thinking. ‘Preston?’ That was all she had to say.
Mirren nodded, shrinking a little. ‘I did the right thing there, but still, regret is a horrible feeling.’
‘You regret breaking up with him?’
