Then Mirren told him about Preston and how she’d loved him since school and they’d moved in together and been happy, but when she was an undergrad away at university, at first she’d stay in halls during term time and she wasn’t above snogging other Freshers in the uni bars, but at the time she’d excused this by saying she was only trying to figure out why things with Preston didn’t feel right. She told Adrian how, once she graduated, they had really settled down, like an old married couple, and it was nice and chilled for a long time, but five years ago things started to go wrong again and last September she’d let Preston down for the last time by sleeping with Will on the night at the theatrical gala. Then she’d faltered over the worst part, the part that hurt most. It had taken a great, deep breath to get the words out. She’d never, ever said it aloud before.
She filled him in on what happened on the night of her first Christmas party at theBroadsheetwhen she’d covered her nerves by drinking too much and she’d not said no when Jamesey wanted to kiss her in the print room. Even though it had only lasted a second and the feel of his mouth turned her stomach instantly and she’d run for her bus, listening to him laughing in triumph as the door slammed, she could never forgive herself.
‘That was the first time I’d cheated on Preston when we were both grown-ups, after years of faithfulness and cosiness at home,’ she said, tears falling over her cheeks.
‘What you described with Jamesey doesn’t really sound like cheating to me, somehow?’ Adrian said, topping up her mug from the teapot.
‘Part of me wanted to do it. Maybe if I could get him under my power, bend his will, I’d have won, and he’d stop harassing me all the time. I don’t know, I wasn’t really thinking clearly. All I know is I hated him before that kiss and afterwards, I hated myself. I couldn’t tell Preston. Maybe I should have, because after that I couldn’t stop pressing the self-destruct button on our relationship. Deep down, I knew I didn’t deserve him, and I didn’t have the guts to leave our little comfortable bubble I’d been in since school… and somehow after that I kept doing it – cheating, I mean.’ She let her eyes fall to Adrian’s thumb circling over the back of her hand as he held it.
‘Must have been the guilt, it does funny things to people,’ he said.
She shrugged. ‘So you see, I’m no good as a girlfriend, I’m a shitty daughter – sitting here bad-mouthing my mum and she’s all alone with nobody helping her in Scotland – and I’m an absolutely awful friend. Just think what I’m about to do to Jonathan. I’ll have to tell him about Wagstaff when I should have kept my nose out of his business.’
‘No.I’m not having that.’ Adrian put his empty mug on the table with a look so simultaneously indignant and comedic she smiled in surprise. ‘You’re the best person I’ve met in, oh, easily a quarter of a century. I see that you’re good and kind, but you beat yourself up horribly, and you shouldn’t. Don’t let yourself. Now I’m not here trying to be a white knight on his charger wanting to fix your problems, but I am a smart, switched-on guy and I know good people when I see them. And you’re good people, Mirren Imrie. This Mr Angus and Jamesey, they’ve been gaslighting you; trying to convince you you’re wrong about all the awful things they put you through, and look, it’s worked. You’re blaming yourself, exactly what they wanted to happen. If you’re hiding away in England blaming yourself you’re not exposing their creepy behaviour and their sexist organisation, are you?’
Mirren blinked, her mind whirring. She’d seen gaslighting before. Fran had done it to Kelsey, making her feel guilty about wanting more from her life – other than watching him excel in his teaching career and tending his house for him – and he’d made her doubt she could ever make money from her photography. He’dconvincedher too, made her feel like she was in the wrong for wanting a career of her own and a life outside of his ambitions, but now Kelsey was here in Stratford, living her best life, and proving him wrong.
‘You’re right. Why did I need someone else to see it?’ Mirren said, eyes wide.
‘Because you’re too busy beating yourself up?’
Mirren shook her head in wonder, replaying Mr Angus and Jamesey’s words and feeling the constricting power they had over her loosening, and in its stead the anger came flooding back in. ‘Jesus!’ she mouthed. ‘You’re so right.’
Adrian passed a hand over the back of his neck and seemed lost in thought for a moment before he spoke again. ‘Am I? Well don’t thank me. I’m just as bad as them. Youtoldme you didn’t want a boyfriend, and I didn’t listen. I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t have pursued you. I won’t anymore if you really want me to stop, but I do really, really like you, and I respect you, and I think you deserve to be happy. Please don’t add me liking you to the list of things you beat yourself up about.’
Mirren scanned his face looking for the truth in his words. He was fired up now, still talking, his cheeks a little flushed.
‘And you know, while we’re on the subject, I’m no angel either. I hurt girls in the past, wasn’t careful with their feelings, and I wasn’t exactly living like a monk in my early twenties. I made the most of the clubs and met loads of women and I know I messed around behind one girl’s back. But you know what? I don’t beat myself up about it now. And why’s that? Are the rules different for me because I’m a guy?’
Mirren shrugged, ‘They shouldn’t be.’
‘Exactly,’ he was nodding emphatically. ‘So when, precisely, are you going to forgive yourself for doing the same things I’ve done, for making mistakes, for havingfun?Hmmn? At New Year’s?’ He searched her face. ‘Nope? In five years, maybe? Ten? Or are you going to live like this forever, because that’s no life.’
Mirren only listened.
‘Do the people you hurt forgive you?’ he pressed.
Mirren thought hard. Preston had told her not to apologise any more and he was happy now, already moved on; she’d learned as much from his texts.
‘Guilt be damned,’ Adrian said. ‘Youhaveto live your life happily, Mirren. With me. If you’ll let me?’
As he spoke, the bells of Christmas morning rang out from Holy Trinity church. Outside the darkness was stealing away, leaving a crisp, frosty morning. The barge was surrounded by chilly winter mist and the white swans gliding by. Mirren felt all her armour fall away.
‘You told me the king and his men give up their oaths, and they fall in love?’ Mirren said.
For a moment Adrian didn’t understand. ‘InLove’s Labour’s Lost? That’s right. They realise what matters in life – love and company and happiness – and they give in to it. They let themselves be happy and they never regret it.’
‘Well then.’ Mirren stood on unsteady legs and Adrian did the same. She led him by the hand back to the bed and they both climbed under the covers once more.
Chapter Thirty-Two
‘That you were once unkind befriends me now,
And for that sorrow, which I then did feel,
Needs must I under my transgression bow,
Unless my nerves were brass or hammered steel’
