‘Exactly. I suppose you’re thinking we should just get it all out in the open? That we’re old enough to know better than to moulder and stew about things, but we’re not, see? I feel exactly the same as I did when I was twenty. Nobody ever tells you that, when you’re young. That you’ll age and bits of you will start going wonky and decrepit and you’ll pay off your mortgage and look to all the world like fully functioning adults but you’ll feel just as insecure and confused as you did when you were a kid, and it hurts just as much when you’re lonely in a relationship as it did when you were in your turbulent teens and wondering why that guy doesn’t call you back. It hurts more, in fact, much more, because everybody just expects you to rub along together like two dry old sticks getting excited about their next Saga holiday andGardeners’ World.’
‘Oh, I love a bit ofGardeners’ World,’ Beatrice confessed.
‘Me too.’ Ruth laughed again, but her eyes had lost their shine.
‘You need to get all of this out,’ Beatrice told her. ‘You need to say it out loud.’
‘Or write it all down?’ Ruth said.
‘Maybe,’ Beatrice scrunched her nose. ‘But face to face is probably better. When Mark gets back, have a nice dinner and just say it all.’
‘What? That I love him better than anything? That I miss our little family and I wish I could go back thirty-seven years and do it all over again with him?’ Tears welled in Ruth’s eyes.
‘Exactly that,’ Beatrice reached for Ruth’s hand and squeezed it until she’d sniffed away the tears.
‘And you? Are you going to be all right?’ Ruth said.
Beatrice thought for a moment. ‘I think yesterday was helpful, in a way. I think it did me good to rehearse all those feelings. I’d been in a kind of daze since the pregnancy test at Christmas and I needed a bit of a reality check. You see, when I lost my baby last spring, I fell apart with the grief. I know you hear about women coping in different ways, but I was one of the ones who couldn’t cope at all, not until I came here.’ She shrugged wistfully and looked around the room. ‘Yesterday I got to go through all the horrible emotions again, the ones I’d been so afraid of – the dread, and the panic, and the sheer terror – but then I got to come out the other side and feel this overwhelming sense of relief and gratitude. Now I feel as though I’m better prepared for whatever’s going to happen, if that makes sense? Instead of holding all the scary feelings at arm’s length, I got to process them a bit. Now I just feel glad this baby is on board, and I’m feeling tired, of course. I definitely feel very, very tired. I don’t think I’ll dwell too much on the awfulness thatcouldhappen quite so much now, but I still can’t let myself feel one hundred percent happy yet either.’
Ruth squeezed her hand. ‘I think that sounds perfectly reasonable, and very human.’
‘Atholl’s a bit confused by it all. Normally by now I’d be researching nursery wallpapers and fabrics, nappy rash creams, the lot! But I’ve been too afraid to, and I still don’t want to do any of that stuff. I think he’d be reassured if I was planning those things, but…’
‘Your self-preservation has kicked in?’ Ruth interrupted.
‘Yes.’
‘Just like I don’t want to ask my husband if he’s having an affair. Who runs towards pain if they can avoid it?’
Beatrice nodded, stifling a sudden yawn.
‘Come on, lie down again. You need to sleep,’ Ruth told her.
‘I’ll only need to get up for a pee in five minutes.’
‘Still, five minutes’ sleep is better than none. I learned that with the twins, believe me.’
As Ruth was tucking her under the blanket, Beatrice suddenly flinched then froze, her eyes huge. ‘Woah!’
‘Are you all right? Did that hurt?’ Ruth reached for the mobile in her handbag.
‘I felt something!’
‘Like a kick?’ Ruth asked.
‘Like a salmon turning in a net!’
Ruth laughed delightedly. ‘Was that the first time you’ve felt anything?’
Beatrice pulled Ruth’s hand to her stomach. ‘I thought I felt something like bubbles before, so I couldn’t be sure if it was really the baby, but this was more like a washing machine.’
‘It could be the first wiggles,’ Ruth reassured her. ‘I can ring the hospital if you like?’
Their question was answered by a restless baby pressing hard against Ruth and Beatrice’s spread palms. ‘Ha!’ Beatrice gasped again. Their eyes met in wonder and Beatrice instantly burst into sobs. ‘And I sent Atholl away! He missed it.’ Yet she was still laughing even as she cried. ‘What’s with all these emotions happening all at once?’ she said, a huge, wobbly smile on her face.
‘Oh, honey, welcome to parenting,’ Ruth told her.
Chapter Thirty-three
