Leo hisses out a breath. “Anything except that. Do you know what you did to Lambert?”
“It was wrong of me. I intend to apologise as soon as I see him.”
“You were in a dark place and couldn’t see a way out,” Eddy says, her gentleness coaxing me to glance up again. “You were dying every night, for fuck’s sake. He’ll forgive you.”
Perhaps he will—heisperpetually sunny Lambert, after all—but that won’t necessarily make it right.
Jasper closes his grimoire quietly, but won’t meet my eyes as he murmurs, “Fit as a fiddle.” There’s a heavy pause, and his cheeks slowly darken. “And for the record, lass, Lambert wasnae the only one who saw you as more than just some pawn.”
He slips away, heading for the stairs, brushing past Dakari with little more than a mumbled, “I’m going to see what happened to North and her food.”
Oh.Oh. My stomach ties itself in knots as the shelves around me sag.
Lambert wasn’t the only one I hurt, and I don’t know how to fix it.
The muscle in Leo’s jaw works silently as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “I can be…focused. I know that. I banjaxed our attempt to break the ensorcellment. I'm sorry. But I’m not trying to use you. I’m trying tosave him. I certainly never thought you’d try to off yourself.”
Sighing, because Leo’s apology is once again more justification than true contrition, I shift my gaze to the final heir in the room, expecting some admonishment.
Dakari is still leaning against the newel post, saying nothing. There’s something deep and watchful in the weight of that black gaze. Something I’m not quite ready to face, and so, like a coward, I turn away, focusing instead on the heaviness of responsibility resting in my bones.
A long moment later, I feel him descend the stairs in measured steps, followed by Leo. The lack of heirs in the roomshouldn’t be as much of a relief as it is, but I sag deeper into Eddy’s hold anyway.
I owe all of them an apology, especially the Arcanaeum and Lambert. I’m not sure how either of them will take it.
All of those thoughts are lightened by hope and gratitude that swell up within me like the tide.
I messed up, but I’m alive now. I’ll fix my mistakes, and then I’m going to get on with the business of finally living. Every single wistful dream I entertained as a ghost is now within reach and, as soon as I’ve apologised and made things right with the heirs, I intend to fulfil them all.
It’s all a little too much still, and I go to tug at the long sleeve of my top, only to freeze as the familiar action is actually accompanied by the shift of fabric against my skin. There’s so much to get used to. So much has changed since I last left the Arcanaeum.
I peel Eddy away from my shoulders, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. “We can finish this conversation once I’m properly attired.”
Unfortunately, I underestimate the weight of my body. At the first step, I stumble, and my legs give out on the second.
The books on my nightstand rush to my aid, catching me beneath my elbows as the shelves rustle with amusement.
“I’m glad someone finds this funny,” I grumble, as Eddy loops her arm beneath mine and helps me into a more dignified position. “Damn it. Why is everything so difficult?”
Eddy offers me a sympathetic smirk. “Perhaps because you haven’t eaten in five-hundred years? Come on, let’s find you some clothes.”
If whatever she has planned for me matches these ludicrous pyjamas, perhaps I’d be better off without her assistance.
“I can manage,” I tell her, giving the book under my other arm an experimental boost, then relaxing slightly when itresponds as it always has. “And honestly, I’d like a second alone. I just need to…think.”
Her gold eyes rake over me, and I hope she sees the request for space for what it is; the product of an overburdened mind, rather than the result of anything she’s done.
“Okay. Yell if you need me, or get the Arcanaeum to nudge me, or…whatever.”
I manage to smile just reassuringly enough to get her to leave, and I wait patiently until I feel her steps cross the threshold before pulling on the magic of the Library and shutting the red door below.
Whatever else has happened, my influence over the Arcanaeum and the books within remains the same.
I just don’t know how or why.
Four
Kyrith
