That's crazy.
I shake my head, forcing the thought away.
This isn't about need. This is about discipline. Control. Doing the job right.
Shit.
I'm scared that I can't be an effective guard for her anymore. Scared I'll hesitate at the wrong moment or make a call based on what I want instead of what keeps her safe.
I mean, how can I keep my head clear when just being inside her made me feel like I'd found something I didn't even know I was missing?
God, if something happened to her while I'm this fucked up in the head about her, I'd never forgive myself.
What do I do?
I continue pacing back and forth. I start to get mad at the uncertainty and chaos in my head. Thoughts running through my head I've never felt before. Like an ocean tossing a ship back and forth with no end in sight.
I can't let her down.
Don't do that to her, Octavian.
You can't fail. Not again.
I press the heels of my hands into my eyes until I see stars.
Suddenly, I see my brother's face. Still hear the way he begged me to stay out that night. Still feel the heat of the explosion.
I may not have been able to protect my brother, but I vowed to never let that happen again.
I do not fail. Not ever. And I sure as fuck won't fail her.
But sitting here, alone in this cold room with her scent still on my skin, I feel like I already have.
Get it together, man.
Focus.
If there's one thing I know about myself, if I wanted to leave, I would have. So all this is just a head game I'm new to playing.
And then it hits me.
She matters more than any job. More than any paycheck. More than any vow I made when I started working for the Ionescus.
Shadowharbor's gala tonight will be crawling with people who either want to use her or kill her, and I need to be sharp.
I need to be the man who doesn't flinch, who doesn't feel, who keeps the asset alive no matter what.
My phone buzzes on the nightstand. I grab it, half expecting it to be Nicolae, but it's a message from Declan.
I know it's early, but I pulled some strings like you asked.
You need to head over to the Fairmont Mandarin Plaza now. You’ll be able to do your security sweep with the other security staff.
Keira wasn't kidding. Two senators and a presidential hopeful will be at the gala tonight, so they're letting security teams do a walkthrough.
It's at 7:30 a.m. and you're on the list just like your asked.
I type back.
