“Because Pete doesn’t love me,” Claire chokes out. “And I don’t love him.”
Anita is quiet. She rubs Claire’s back until the sobs have stopped trying to rise up Claire’s throat. When Anita speaks, it’s with a calm kind of authority. “I feared you’d never realize how much more you deserve,” she says, once Claire has controlled herself. “I’m glad you’re starting to see your worth.”
Claire isn’t sure that’s true, but it’s nice to hear. She twists her hands together. “My mother thinks I should just deal with it. Focus on keeping Pete content.”
“And why should you stay for his sake?”
“Because the alternative is…” Claire trails off. She swallows past the lump in her throat.
“Divorce,” Anita says simply. It’s as if the word has no effect on her at all. “It’s not the end of the world, Claire.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No,” Anita says. “It’s the beginning, if you allow it to be.”
The beginning. But the beginning of what, exactly? Pursuing something with Jackie? Theo implied that Jackie might return her feelings, but Jackie has made it clear that she doesn’t want Claire in her life anymore. She ended their friendship. And Theo had been adamant that Claire figure herself out before involving Jackie, anyways. So, is divorce the beginning of a life alone? Shefeels alone already. At least without a husband, she’d only need to take care of herself. It’s not impossible. Jackie does it, and so does Anita.
Claire bites down so hard on her nail bed that she tastes blood.
“I don’t know what to do,” Claire mumbles, around her thumbnail. “If I leave, I have nothing. Nowhere to go. My whole life has been with Pete.”
“You’ll always have a place under my roof,” Anita says.
“That’s kind, but I couldn’t do that to you.”
“I’m offering,” Anita says firmly. “I have a sofa upstairs, dear. If you decide leaving is what you need to do, you come straight here. Okay?”
It’s the same kind of selfless thing that Anita used to do for Claire when her mother went out of town for days at a time. But Claire hadn’t been hiding a secret like this, then. TheJackieof it all is pushing at her chest, hammering on her ribs, fighting to get out. If Claire reveals the full truth about herself, about who she is and who she really wants, and Anita doesn’t accept it—what then? Where can she go? Would she be trapped with Pete, living this lie? Will she be sent away somewhere to be fixed?
“What if I did something that you didn’t approve of?” Claire says.
Anita snorts. “What right do I have to control anyone’s life but my own? Judgement does nothing but lock a woman inside herself.”
Locked inside herself. It’s an apt description for what Claire has been feeling—as if some part of her that was shoved out of sight long ago is elbowing its way in again, insistently tearing down Claire’s whole life.
“I know you’re different, Claire,” Anita says softly. She puts an arm around Claire, which is impressive given their heightdifference even while seated. “It’s all right. You always have been.”
“More than you know,” Claire says, leaning into the warmth of Anita’s hug regardless.
Talking to Anita helps to settle Claire’s mania, but it doesn’t leave her with a decision one way or the other. After drinking three cups of Anita’s herbal tea and having another good cry, she scurries back to the library in the afternoon. She takes two books out just to justify the trip, and Pete honks the horn from the parking lot an hour or so later.
The first half of the car ride home is silent. Pete doesn’t even have the radio on—he seems perfectly content with his own thoughts. When he strikes up a conversation, his voice ringing out into the quiet makes Claire jump.
“You know, once we have kids, I won’t be able to take you to this part of town anymore,” Pete says, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “I can’t be carting you back and forth with children at home.”
Claire’s already uneasy stomach churns.
“I could get a driver’s license,” Claire says.
“You don’t need a driver’s license,” Pete says. It’s the same thing he’s said since she first asked for one, after they moved to Acacia Circle.
Claire sits up in her seat. “It would make life easier for both of us. Getting out for groceries and errands would be easier, and—”
“And a car would be an extra cost, especially if you crash the thing. Don’t argue, Claire,” Pete says. The car turns into their driveway, shuddering to a stop. “It’s tiresome.”
Claire can see light shining in Jackie’s front window. She stares at it as Pete turns off the car, unmoving in her seat until she sees a figure pass across it.
Claire has never really put much stock into the termheartbreak, but something in her chest is aching. There’s a deep,physical pain that could only be a broken heart as she considers what her life is hurtling towards.
