He kissed her forehead. “You tried, I was too quick,” he said with a wink, but realized his mistake when her face fell and schooled his features. “I knew you didn’t mean it. You were frightened.”
“I lose control, and Ihateit," Fern whispered. She tried to bury her face back in his chest but he held her shoulders, maintaining their eye contact.
“I can understand,” he replied. “Are you feeling better now?”
“Embarrassed, mostly,” she admitted.
“You don’t need to be.”
Fern lifted one hand and traced the line of his jaw with her fingers. “You didn’t leave,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “Why didn’t you leave?”
He stiffened. Had she been left alone in such a state before? “I wouldn’t leave you. I never will.”
She dropped her gaze. “No one wants me around when it happens.”
Alex wrapped his arms around her, smoothing his hands along her back as residual tremors passed down her shoulders and spine. “I never want to see you hurting, but Fern, you have to listen to me about this.” Her eyes rose to meet his. “You’re the strongest person I know. I can’t imagine anyone being brave enough to go up against a bloody university to chase their dream. You could have given in, stopped fighting, but you never did. Yes, your mind is different, but…” He kissed her forehead. “Your difference doesn’t make you weak, it makes youstrong.” Tears glistened in her eyes as she stared at him, the corners of her mouth twitching as though she wanted to smile but was afraid to. “You don’tneedanyone,“ Alex said, “but you have me.”
Fern finally let the smile emerge, and it spread across her face like the first rays of sunlight at dawn. She was luminous.
She lunged at him, pressing her lips against his. Alex smiled, taking her mouth hungrily, matching her desperation with strokes of his tongue. She gripped his shoulders, shifting her legs so she straddled him. Their kisses were desperate, the adrenaline coursing through their bodies. Her weight settled on his lap, her heat pressing against his arousal. He groaned and rocked his hips, seeking more of the sensation.
Now,his body screamed, the ridiculous notion of taking her in a public garden suddenly seeming extremely rational. Fern’s proximity made all logic and reason flee his mind. He gripped her bottom and arched his hips against her, treasuring the moan falling from her lips.
“Alex,” she moaned. “Please—”
A chorus of hoots and whistles interrupted her plea. Alex popped his head up and glared at the half dozen young men standing just outside the garden, laughing and enjoying the show he and Fern provided. “Well done, mate!” one called, lifting his champagne bottle in a toast.
Alex rolled his eyes as the congratulations continued, while Fern quickly stood and smoothed her skirts, meeting his eyes with a shy smile. “I need to get back home,” she said, touching her hand to his chest.
Alex nodded, taking her hand in both of his. “I wish you could stay with me,” he said, cupping the nape of her neck and bringing her close. “I would keep you with me forever if I could.”
But I can’t. She doesn’t want to be kept.
The crowd was dispersing when they reached High Street, a line of enterprising carriages ready to transport the soused young men to their dormitories or taverns to continue the celebrations. Alex walked Fern to the front of the line, opening the hack door for her and handing the necessary coins to the driver.
The memory of her words before their interruption came back to his mind. “You wanted to tell me something, back in the lecture hall?” he asked, unwilling to release her hand yet.
Fern hesitated. “It’s been a long night, and you need to rest. We can speak after your presentation tomorrow. Should I meet you in the library when it’s done?”
He nodded, his hands itching to touch her face, her hand, anything. But she had drawn away.
The hack driver cleared his throat loudly, and Fern turned. “Good night, Alex,” she said from the seat. “And best of luck to you tomorrow, but you won’t need it.”
He nodded, a weight settling on his chest as he watched her ride away, already counting the moments until he could see her again.
Chapter 24
AlexsteppedontoHighStreet and blinked in the bright midday sun. He released a heavy sigh, exhaling years—decades—of self-imposed pressure for success. The light breeze lifted his hair away and he let his shoulders drop. “I’ve done it,” he said, letting the words drift away with the wind.
He expected to feel a more intense emotion upon leaving the examination building the next morning, of relief or elation, certainly crippling exhaustion. But all he felt was a vague sense of waiting for a catharsis that never came.
His defense had gone without a hitch. When it was finally over, Professor Whitehurst shook his hand, voicing the words he had imagined again and again. Congratulations, you are a Doctor of Philosophy in mathematics. Strathmore and Redborne had not been in attendance, although Whitehurst promised to write to both gentlemen with the news of his success. It was done, his future was assured.
He walked towards Magdalen Bridge, stopping to watch the waters of the Thames drift beneath him. Squeezing his eyes closed, Alex could hear Fern’s voice as they tumbled off their punt into the water, could feel the soft skin of her lips against his, the frantic beat of her pulse under his palm as he held her close.
Alex’s lips tipped up, recalling when an examiner asked the same question Fern had posed during their practices. When he recited his response, he wished Fern could see the impressed expressions on the stoic mathematicians’ faces.She should have been there, he thought. He even checked the dark corners of the small lecture hall, hoping to see her leaning against the wall, her satchel slung over her slim shoulders, a proud smile on her face.
Many knew what he had accomplished. But Fern was the only person who understood what thismeant. Even as he shook hands with his examiners and received their congratulations, all he wanted was to see the look on Fern’s face when he shared his news.
