A weighted silence fell while Sylvester considered Alex and his words. “You are a smart man, Carroway, that much is clear.” He gave Alex his back and continued down the hallway, tossing his last words over his shoulder. “But do not let your heart drive you to do something foolish.”
Chapter 25
“Iamafool,”Fern said to her ceiling. In her entire life, she had never once thought herself a fool. Naive, perhaps, and ignorant at times, but never a fool. Perhaps this was why she was so blindsided by the letter she received that morning, the single sentence completely flattening her.
Canceling our meeting, my assistant will contact you in a month to reschedule.
No further explanation had been provided, no apologies offered. She was summarily dismissed. And if she were being honest with herself, this should not come as a surprise. Fern had been unbelievably fortunate to get a meeting with the legendary J.J. Sylvester, and it had only happened with Alex’s assistance.
“I am a fool, a bloody turnip,” she cried, smacking her fists on the counterpane. Fern should have known she was seeking the impossible, but she had let herself dream, even believing she could convince Sylvester of her merits. But what would have happened if she had somehow convinced the professor she should be admitted to Oxford? Did she expect an entire university to cast off generations of bias towards female students and accept her as one of their equals?
Perhaps Sylvester might see her in a month and listen to her work. But it would still be too little and too late. The class list would be set, and Fern would not be a part of it.
“Bloody. Stupid. Foolish.Turnip.”
Fern gripped her pillow and squeezed until she lost sensation in her fingers, then released. As the blood rushed back into her extremities her nerves fired and tingled, angrily protesting the return of circulation. She wished for numbness, for escape, for the ability to deny her reality.
She should never have gone into the library in the first place, let alone chased Alex down and demanded his help. If she had not pushed him and manipulated him into helping her, the dream of attending Oxford would have remained just that—a dream, a fantasy, a wish. Coming this close, only to watch it fall apart, was far worse than never having it within reach at all.
“Fern?” The door to her room opened and Rose slipped inside, her brows drawn in concern. “Are you all right? I saw you received a message this morning, is something wrong?”
Fern crushed the pillow to her face.
“Fern,” Rose said, her voice gentle as she climbed into the bed and settled herself beside her sister, lifting the pillow away. “Please, what’s wrong?”
“I am a fool,” she repeated, but this time her voice broke. Tears spilled from the corners of her eyes, trailing along her temples and falling into her hair. “I was an idiot.”
“What happened?” Rose took Fern’s hand and squeezed it.
“Sylvester won’t meet with me. It’s too late to arrange for the examinations. I will not attend Oxford.”
Rose was quiet, holding on to Fern as she silently wept. “You’re not giving up, are you?” she finally asked.
Fern sat up on her elbow and stared at her sister incredulously. “I don’t have a choice. There is no other way. If I were a man, my work would have been snapped up years ago, I would be receiving my degree and influencing the future of mathematics, not taking lessons on tea room etiquette from our mother.”
“It’s incredibly unfair, isn’t it?” Rose pushed a tear off Fern’s cheek. “I wish someone else could see how remarkable you are.”
Fern's heart clenched at her sister’s remark.You’re remarkable. Alex’s words echoed in her head. She could hear his voice the first time he said those words to her, in the library of Boar’s Hill.
But he hadn’t said it to Fern. Alex had said it thinking she was Rose.
And now he had seen her at her worst, in the midst of a fit she couldn’t control. He did not need her chaos and noise in his life, to be saddled with a woman who was so utterlywrongin so many ways. He would never choose her, but Rose still deserved the truth.
“Rose, I need to tell you something,” she said, her jaw tightening. “About Alex.”
“Have you heard? Did everything go well this morning?” Rose sat up, taking Fern’s hand with her. “I didn’t know what to say, how to even ask him. Is he truly a doctor now?”
A small smile broke over her lips. “I don’t know for certain.” She squeezed Rose’s hand, willing her voice not to tremble. “You should write to him, ask for yourself. He will be pleased to hear from you.”
Rose considered her sister for a long moment. “Was there something else you needed to tell me?”
Fern squeezed her eyes shut, summoning courage before looking at Rose. “I was not entirely truthful when I said I had no feelings for Alex.”
Rose stiffened but did not release Fern’s hand. “What do you mean?”
She looked down at where her hand joined with Rose’s, their fingers intertwined just as they had been on so many other occasions. Through triumphs and heartbreaks, so important at the time, but trivial compared to what Fern was about to say. “We were working together, like you suggested, on my preparation.”
Rose tilted her head. “I…I didn’t know. He didn’t tell me.”
