But will you ever forgive me?“Why are you here?”
Alex considered her carefully. “I hoped to see you.”
His simple words broke her. The scab she had developed over these past weeks was torn open by seeing his eyes again, by feeling his hands, however briefly, touch her again. “Why?” she whispered, uncertain if she even wanted to hear the answer.
“I saw your manuscript and the letter from your father. Sylvester spoke to me about it.”
Her work. It always came back to her studies, tomaths. “He saw it, didn’t he? And he read it?”
Alex nodded. “He did, he said it showed potential.” He shuffled his feet, avoiding her gaze. “He offered me a position teaching.”
A glow spread through Fern’s chest, displacing the pain residing there just a moment before. “He did? Oh, that’s wonderful. I’m so relieved.”
“But what about you? You know Sylvester won’t credit you for your work.”
“I don’t care if he uses it. At least the world will read it if he does.”
Alex ran his hand roughly through his hair, looking down before meeting her eyes once more. “Does that mean you’re giving up?”
Fern nodded. She expected to feel a profound loss in admitting her defeat, but it seemed so insignificant compared to what she had lost in her sister. In Alex.
“I thought I wanted to be known as a mathematician, to stand out as an academic,” she said. “I wanted to be seen, to be valued for who I am, to have something wonderful said about me. But you gave me all of those things, and I believe them now.”Fern paused for long enough to suck in a shuddering breath. “Thank you. Thank you for giving that to me.”
“But it’s not enough,” Alex insisted. “Fern, you’re too talented to give up.”
“I won’t,” she replied. “But it won’t be at Oxford, and I accept it. I’ll find my place, and I won’t regret trying. And I know my value now. You made me feel wanted, like I am worthwhile. And I spoiled it, all of it, but for a short time I knew what it was like to be special to someone.”
Alex rubbed the back of his neck and met her gaze with a pained expression. “I overreacted, Fern. Everything in my life had a plan. I had a goal, and when you came along—” His breath caught and he paused. “I was scared. I thought I understood everything, knew what to expect, and when I found out you had lied… It was too much.”
“I don’t expect you to forgive me for what I did to you.”
“But I owe you an apology as well.”
Fern froze. “You—you do?”
“I do. I never gave you a chance to explain, and I owed you that much. I understand what it feels like to feel desperate, like you don’t belong. I judged you too harshly, and you deserved better from me. It was a mistake, and I’m so sorry, Fern.”
They stood in silence, wrapped in the sounds of the spring day, the earthy scents of moss and sweet peas filling the air.
“I can’t stop wondering what would have happened if I had just been honest with you from the start,” Fern said, her voice low. “Would you have wanted me after all?” She bit her lower lip, willing the tears to recede from her eyes. Alex watched her so closely with his intense blue gaze that she wanted to fall into them and drown in the crystal pools.
Alex pressed his lips together tightly. “I don’t know,” he said, his voice husky. “I can’t decide when I fell in love with you. There was no singular moment when you became the only person I wanted to see, when I forgot what it was like tonothave you in my life.And when you were gone—” He stopped, his gaze drifting over her face. “I felt gutted, like a piece of me had been wrenched out. I can’t go through that again.”
That was it, it was over. Alex was giving up on her, onthem. Fern nodded stiffly, rubbing one hand over her eyes. “I understand,” she said, her tone flat and lifeless. “I hope Professor Sylvester and my father’s recommendation will give you options, let you choose your future.”
“They will, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am for what you did. You gave me everything I thought I wanted.” Alex stepped closer until the tips of their shoes brushed on the soft ground. “But the problem is, I can’t imagine my future without you in it.”
Suddenly it came back, the glimmer of hope burning deep in her belly. The possibility that perhaps, in time, Alex could forgive her.
He flexed his hands until his fingers brushed against her knuckles. Her chest heaved as his first finger caught hers and held tight. Fern’s eyelids dropped as a sob escaped her throat. “Alex, I’m so sorry.”
“I already forgave you, Fern.” He brushed his lips against her forehead. “I’m still hurt though,God, it hurt so badly. I thought I knew everything, and there was no problem I couldn’t solve and…I lost faith in myself for a while.”
“I wish I could take the pain away,” Fern murmured, wavering towards him. Alex released her finger and wrapped his hands around her back, allowing her to fall against his chest. The comfort was instantaneous, as though she had fallen into a pool of sunlight.
“It took me too long to see what you did for me, Fern.” Alex took a lock of hair in his fingers, twisting it gently before tucking it behind her ear. “With you, I’m finally happy with myself, exactly as I am.”
“You deserve to be happy.” She squeezed his hand. “You deserve everything.”
