Never. He would never look at Ellie again without longing, without knowing the feel of her skin and the taste of her lips. “I don’t think we can.”
“What’s keeping you from marrying her?”
Henry dropped his head.Her desire to never marry. My complete inadequacy as a partner. My darkness. My fiancée.He shrugged. “I have no idea.”
“Then you have nothing to lose,” Miles said. “Do you believe you could be happy together?”
Henry bit his lower lip, then exhaled through his nose. “I doubt I could be happy without her.”
“Then you owe it to yourself to tell her.”
Her days in Italy had taught Ellie that the hours approaching dusk were her favorite of the day. Orange and pink rays streaked across the clear sky, illuminating the stone edifices that had stood for centuries, basking in thousands of sunsets over the millennia. Gazing over the collection of ruins making up the Roman Forum, the sheer volume of history that surrounded her humbled Ellie.
And made her wish she could be anywhere but here.
She may as well have been standing in a field, or in Mayfair, for all the interest she held for her surroundings. Her mind had not stopped spinning since last night, the glorious sensations buffeting and buoying her, making her want more than her life had offered.
But had their lovemaking meant anything to him? Perhaps Henry’s physical reaction had nothing to do with her in particular, but was merely a function of proximity. He was an experienced lover. Surely he knew how to pretend the woman in his bed was superior to her predecessors.
She released a slow exhale as the bite of pain gave way to a bone-deep frustration, a want far beyond physical desire.
What would it be like to be wanted, truly wanted, not for a title or a connection or a womb? To be seen as a person with whom you could share the weakest parts of yourself, the brittle bits you wish to ignore? To have someone love you and cherish the broken pieces as part of your beauty?
Ellie paused as she passed a statue, a woman of great elegance whose limbs and nose had been torn from her by centuries of abuse, the mere act of existing and refusing to crumble causing her to be scarred and incomplete. A series of exquisitely carved women, all bearing the marks of time, lined the exterior of the ruined House of Vestals.
“It must have been a lot of pressure to be one of the Vestal Virgins, don’t you think?”
She started at Henry’s voice, turning only enough to acknowledge his presence beside her. She doubted she had the strength to face him and not throw herself into his arms. “In what sense?” she asked, her thoughts skittering like fragments of light across the stone arches.
“This is one of the few pieces of history class I remembered, probably because it struck me as so terribly unfair. Girls taken from their families and sworn to celibacy for life, charged with protecting the future of the Roman empire, for appeasing the gods and acting above reproach or face punishment…” He shrugged. “I can’t imagine why anyone would desire it for their children.”
“They had privileges, too.” Ellie raised her chin, even as her knees trembled. “They were revered, given more responsibility and respect than most women held. Their status asvestrameant their families were elevated.”
“But at what cost?” Henry stepped closer to her side. “Responsibility to family should not preclude personal freedom.”
“Freedom is an incomplete concept. Often, freedom only comes with a heaping dose of loneliness.” The knot in Ellie’s throat developed weight, the heaviness leaving her exhausted. “I think I will take a tray to my room tonight for dinner. I have a bit of a headache.”
Henry shifted beside her. “Ellie, I made a mistake last night.”
Shaking her head, she chuckled without humor. “I suspect you’ve started many conversations that way.”
“Several times on this trip alone.” He sighed and stepped in front of her, leaving the mangled virgin to peer over his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to remind you of my engagement, especially after…” He emptied his lungs in a huff. “This has become much more complicated than I expected.”
Her heart clenched as she took in his words, the pained expression on his face.He wants nothing to do with me anymore. I’ve lost him for good.
“I don’t want to lose you,” he said, dragging the toe of his boot in the dust.
“And I don’t want to lose you,” she echoed, bracing herself for heartbreak.
Henry squared his shoulders, appearing to brace himself as well. “But now I’ve had you, and there’s no turning back for me.” He stepped forward, his chest rising and falling with the effort of his words. “I will crave you for the rest of my life.”
Her lips parted in surprise at the intense heat in his gaze. “What are you saying?”
He cupped her cheek with his hand and she relaxed into it, no longer able to control her reaction to him, the way her body instinctively sought and found comfort in his. “I don’t want you to take a lover, Eleanor. I don’t want another man to touch you, to bring you pleasure, to hear the sounds you make and see the color in your cheeks when you come. I want those all for myself. I’m a selfish man, and I won’t share you.”
She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she could capture this moment under the glass. Preserve it and keep it unblemished for eternity. Make it a relic, an icon she could bring out whenever she hurt or felt weak until it became an antiquity, its age and use never fading the precious memory.
“Ellie,” Henry whispered, bringing her back to the present. When her gaze met his, she saw the vulnerability in his face. Was he truly worried she would reject him? How couldanyonereject him?
