“It’s no different from what you’ve done a multitude of times with countless women,” she spat back, unable to keep the pain from her voice.
“No, this wasentirelydifferent,” he cried, his voice breaking on the last word. He ran his hand roughly through his hair. “I wasn’t there to protect you when you needed me. I let you marry Ashby, and my god, it nearly destroyed both of us.” She looked at him quizzically, trying to make sense of his words, but he barrelled on. “That’s why I concocted this wild plan, so I could give you the adventure you wanted, the life you missed out on. Yes, I benefitted, but our affair was foryou, to make up for what you never had.”
“And whose fault is that? I was right in front of you forsix years, and you never once saw me. You just assumed I would be there, ready to lavish you with my silly attention and affection when you were ready for it, then put me back on a shelf when you were bored. And now you’re angry because I don’t want to be your second choice anymore, your backup plan when you’ve run out of preferable entertainment.”
His jaw dropped. “That’s not it at all. I care for you,deeply, and I have for years. I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t.” He looked out at the water and shook his head before returning his gaze to meet hers. “I made a decision last night when I couldn’t sleep. I want to marry you.”
Ellie huffed out a breath, a nervous laugh bubbling up from her chest. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“Am I?” He stepped forward, taking both of her trembling hands. The warmth of his touch consumed her, bringing her back under his spell. “You make me happy, El.” He trailed off and gave her a sheepish half-smile. “What else could we possibly want?”
Love.I want love. I deserve love.
“No.” She pulled her hands out of his grasp. “It’s not enough for me, not after all this time. I won’t marry you just to assuage your guilt for using me as you did.”
“I was a fool before,” Henry said, his voice low. “Hell, I’m a fool now, but I want you, Ellie.”
She lifted her trembling chin high. “And what if I don’t want to be had?”
His jaw twitched. Biting his lower lip, he shook his head. “I am going to do the responsible thing, what I should have done long ago.” He released a heavy exhale, as though he were summoning the courage to complete an unpleasant task. “I’m going to marry you.”
A bark of laughter escaped Ellie’s throat before she could contain it. “No, Henry, you’re not.” She shook her head, swiping at the tear streaming down her cheek. “Why does everyone assume the pinnacle of success for a woman is marriage? Is it such a ridiculous notion that I could like who I am? I may be a dull, pudgy, bluestocking, wallflower, unwantednothing, but I am still happier being alone than being trapped in marriage with you.”
“I wouldn’t be like Ashby.” His rapid pulse was visible in his throat. “I’ll take care of you—”
“How can I trust you?” The rushing in Ellie’s ears deafened her, but she had come too far to stop now. “When every time I needed you, you weren’t there for me? When you’d happily throw me to the gossips of London to protect another woman.”
“You can’t just walk away from what we have.” He motioned towards her midsection. “What we might be.”
Her brows furrowed. “What are you saying?”
Henry dropped his voice. “We didn’t use any protection, El. There’s always a chance—”
“There isn’t,” she interrupted. “I’m barren, in case you’ve forgotten. Unable to fulfill the most basic function of being a wife. There is nothing in our future together but pain and regret.”
“I want the future we both dreamed of, withyou. If there’s even the slightest chance you could be carrying my child, I won’t let you go.”
“There is no chance.” Another knife to the heart, twisting slowly. “You have no obligation to me.”
“Dammit, Ellie,” he cried, throwing his hands wide. “I’m not letting you get off this boat until you agree to marry me.”
His hand reached for her and, good lord, how she wanted to take it. Wanted to feel the comfort of his arms, the love she experienced in his touch. But she would never be enough for him. She would rather have nothing than only a sliver of his heart, whatever was left over when he had finished sharing his love with everyone else. Flinching, Ellie turned towards the rail, clutching the beam in her hand and staring at the expanse of the sea.
“Marry me.” The words were a plea, one that rattled her soul.
“You know why I won’t. Why Ican’t.”
“You’re wrong.” His hand caught hers and she jumped, startled by the electricity jolting through her at his touch.No other touch will ever rival his.“It won’t be like before. Everything will be different. Everythingisdifferent for us.”
Ellie turned to face him, absorbing the pain in his eyes. She never wanted to forget his face, or how much hurt she caused him. It would remind her to stay away when every instinct in her body pushed her to return to his arms. “And why would it be different?”
“Because I love you,” he cried, oblivious to the stares of the surrounding people. “And you love me, and we’d be foolish to try to live separate lives again when we know what we can be together.”
Henry didn’t love her. He liked her a great deal, and he felt guilty for misleading her. He would regret this decision as soon as another woman caught his eye. When he realized she would never be enough for him. “I will not marry you.”
“Christ, El. Let’s have a go at this. We could be so happy together. Why would you give that up?”
“Because none of this was real!” The words escaped in a blaze, all the anger and frustration she held with her father, her mother, Ashby, all of theton, and Henry. For every moment he ignored her, for every cruel word from Ashby, for the future stolen away from her because she trusted that someone,anyone,would want the best for her. “All of those times, when I needed you, when Iwantedyou…” She swallowed hard and pushed a tear away. “You made me believe I was special to you, but I was wrong. Horribly, painfully wrong.”
