Rose finally had everything she’d wanted, and could barely stomach another moment of it.
Timothy approached and leaned on the balustrade next to her, nudging his shoulder against hers. “How are you?”
“I’m well, thank you,” she said, sliding on her practiced smile. It didn’t fit right anymore, like a pair of stockings that had shrunk in the wash and now strangled her circulation. “The ball seems to be a smashing success.”
“I don’t think we should announce our engagement.”
Rose exhaled through pursed lips as her eyes burned. Tears were always so close to the surface these days. “Why not? Your mother arranged this entire event in only a week—”
“The dowager will be fine,” he interrupted, guiding her shoulder so she faced him. “We made this arrangement when neither of us expected to find love, when we were vulnerable and feeling desperate. But everything has changed.”
She shook her head. “Nothing has changed. I’m back. My family is still struggling, and you need a wife and heir.”
“To hell with my heir—” When Rose’s eyes popped wide, Timothy stopped and sighed, his shoulders slumping. “Fine, I don’t wish my cousin tohell,perhaps just Northumberland. But my point remains.”
“And what point is that?”
“You are in love with someone else. And I’m not the jealous type, nor am I holding out illusions you will fall madly in love with me and I will belatedly discover the—” he shuddered, “—attractionsof bedding a woman.”
Rose snorted. “I’m not expecting that either.”
“Then why are we doing this?”
Rose’s mouth dropped open. “You’re saying thisnow?What happened to your lecture on not abandoning my family and protecting myself from scandal?”
Timothy put his hands up in a defensive pose, sloshing champagne out of his glass. “I said all that when I thought you were having an adventure with your cousin and would come to your senses. But darling, you’re at a fabulous ball, dressed like a dream, and utterly miserable.”
“I’m not miserable.”
“Don’t lie. It causes freckles.” He tsked and huffed out a sigh. “Did you fall in love?”
Her face burned as she struggled to pull air into her lungs. How she had avoided having this conversation until this point was a wonder, owed predominantly to hiding in her cabin during the journey home and refusing all callers since she arrived in Oxford. Rose kept her thoughts of Ben relegated to the hours when she tossed and turned in bed; at least, she attempted to keep the thoughts of him contained, though she found little success.
Ben existed as a part of her, and his absence was akin to missing a limb. No, not a limb—she had known people to live full lives without a leg or digit. Living without Ben would be a half life, a ghastly, ghostly partial existence.
With a start, Rose remembered she was supposed to deny Timothy’s question and shook her head, but he waved her off.
“What do you really want to do, Rose? I can safely say it’s not to marry me.”
I want to go back to New York. The thought invaded her brain and sunk in its teeth before she could shake it off. “I-I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. What makes you happy?”
Not parties. Nothing since—“Activism,” she said in a rush. “I want to work on women’s suffrage. Here, in Britain.”
Timothy’s mouth curled into an approving smirk. “There we are. What if I were to set you up in a flat in London, connect you with some like-minded women I know? Would that make you happy?”
A half-peace settled over Rose, one she hadn’t felt since New York, not true happiness, but something approaching contentment. “It would.”
He pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. “Consider it a non-engagement gift.” He held a hand up in front of her face as Rose pulled in a breath to argue. “Or at least a postponing-the-engagement gift. You’re far too maudlin to marry as you are.” He flared his nostrils in mock disgust. “You’d be absolutely no fun at all.”
Rose laughed then, although it emerged as a choked sob. “You’re not angry with me?”
“God, no.” Timothy waved off her concern. “My mother will loathe you for approximately five minutes until I remind her she is now at liberty to return to her favorite pastime of haranguing me about my marital status.”
With a wince, Rose shook her head. “It won’t do, though. My family is still destitute, and Violet—”
“Do you believe your sister would want to see you unhappy?”
