“Thanks,” I manage to cough out, officially done with this conversation. She makes it too easy to open up.
“Anytime, stud,” she jokes with a wink as I pull up in front of her building. It’s sadder in the daylight, slightly dilapidated with shingles missing, some boarded up windows. I can’t begin to guess how they manage to rent it out legally. I can see at least five code violations from here. The area isn’t great either. I thought the same thing the last time I dropped her off. I had actually discouraged Nessa from moving into this area when she first came to the city. The worry would have eaten away at me if she had.
When it comes to Stella, however, it’s not my place to interfere or impose. I breathe slowly out of my nose, taking calming, non-asshole like breaths so I don’t say something overbearing. My sunshine girl though, she’s sharp.
When did I start thinking of her as mine?
“I’ll admit, it’s not the best area, but it’s what I can afford. I make the best of it though! You should see the curtains I sewed myself, they really brighten up the place.” Her smile is a mile wide, crinkling her cheeks up under her eyes as she tells me how she’s made the best of a shit situation.
“You inviting me up, gorgeous?” I give her a dry smile, certain it will send her into a tizzy and out of my car. She rolls her lips together to fight a smile.
“Wouldn’t you like that?” she sasses me. I can’t help but stare at her, and I need to ask her something before I lose my nerve.
“You never told Nessa about… what happened, did you?” Stella’s playful expression falls.
“Nope. Nothing to worry about there,” she says blandly, and I know I’ve fucked up.
“Not that it’s bad! It was good, I just…”
“I get it, James. It’s fine. I’m glad it was ‘good’ for you.” She rolls her eyes.
“And it wasn’t for you?” I challenge.
“Oh, stud, it was life changing.” She grins deviously before flitting out of the car and into her building without another glance. I need to get this girl out of my head. Before I can pull away, I see a text come in from an unknown number.
Unknown
Thanks for the ride, stud ;)
Apparently, she’s not about to let me off easily.
Chapter 5
James
In hindsight, the way to forget about Stella is probably not to sit directly in her line of sight for hours a day. Somehow, though, I always manage to find myself at the café one way or another at some point throughout the day, with a large pumpkin spice latte, and a sketchbook in hand.
It’s becoming a routine for me, and being a creature of habit, despite all the warning bells in my head going off, I’m leaning into it. It’s been a while since I was a regular somewhere. Last year I thought we would be staying put for a while. We rented a house for some bandmates to share, we figured out permanent storage atBooze & Brews, I had even told Nessa to expect me to be around. Then, Laur joined the band, and they had a few connections, and that led to more out of city gigs, until eventually we found ourselves on the road again, touring for nearly ten, unexpected months.
It was exhausting.
Now, living in my own apartment, having somewhere to go every day, even if it’s not work, and feeling settled,I’m wondering why I’ve been grinning and bearing all this discomfort for so long.
Because it’s your dream, I remind myself, but that reasoning is becoming thinner every day. My parents would despise how I’m living now if they knew. I can hear it now, them calling me lazy, a layabout, aimless. They would heavily judge the amount of spare time I have, accusing me of wasting it instead of being productive. I don’t think I have much on my side to be able to call them wrong, though.
How long can I keep up this habit? Of telling myself that I love what I do, of coming to a coffee shop every day to kill time, of trying to repair things for my sister without falling prey to my parents wishes for me?
Beck unceremoniously taking a seat in the worn out armchair across from me is enough to pull me out of my thought spiral. My face scrunches as he looks at me like he’s trying to figure out the exact words to say.
“Nice to see you here, man!” It doesn’t come across as sincere, but I’ll take it. I like Beck enough that I can look past him being super fucking weird. “You like the place?”
“Yup.”Where the hell is this line of questioning going?
“I figured. You’ve been here a lot. Like, every day.” He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly.
“I have.”
“Okay. Right. So, I mean this in the nicest way… why?” I scowl as he visibly back peddles. “Not that we don’t like having you here, and you know, you’re making me money, so it’s fine, but…” He shifts in his chair, leaning forward on his elbows.
