When he finally did speak to me, every word was laced with pain, like he was coughing up barbed wire.
“I’m so sorry, star girl. I didn’t mean to get this bad.” His voice is scratchy from disuse.
“I missed you,” I say, huddling up next to him in the bed. I’m shaking with exhaustion. His thin arms hold me close, stroking my hair.
“I missed you, too.” His chest rattles with each breath. “I don’t know how to be without her. She was my light, my moon. I don’t know how to live in the dark.”
I don’t either, and yet I’ve been living in the dark for weeks.
“And the relationships I’ve seen… I mean, people cheat on each other, people leave, people die, people fall out of love. I’m not saying it would be a waste of time to date right now, but I’ve seen how much that can hurt. I don’t want to invite that kind of pain into my life if I don’t need it. I’m happy on my own, I have plans to travel, which would be difficult with a partner. I don’t need anything romantic, I’m good.” I tilt my head to smile at them, which is probably not as reassuring as I’m going for.
“That’s one way to view it I guess…” Hazel trails off. I can tell she wants to say more.
“Let your freak flag fly, girlfriend,” Nessa says, shrugging it off, then climbs up on the bed next to me and snuggles in. “What’re you up to for the rest of the day?”
“Not sure… I was thinking of just binging the newest Bridgerton season? I started watching it and I’m kind of hooked now.” That had been my original plan before these two invited themselves over.
“Oh nice! Don’t tell him I told you this, but James is a HUGE Bridgerton fan. We watched season one together and loved it.”
Is my face red? It feels red. Please don’t be red. Don’t be red.
“Really? I would have never guessed.” My voice squeaks. “What about you? What’re your plans for this fine, snowy afternoon?” Maybe changing the focus of the conversation away from me will help.
“I’m helping Beck get the café in order to open tomorrow, nothing wild.” Hazel says, serenely sipping her coffee.
“I have a date of sorts.” Nessa grins.
“A date?” Finally, a topic that isn’t me.
“Yeah, very similar to your uber date,” she says, winking.
That didn’t last long.
“Have fun,” I chortle.
“And use protection!” Hazel says, giving in and joining the cuddle puddle.
“Yes, Mom.” Nessa sticks her tongue out at her.
“Who is it?” asks Hazel. “Anyone we know?” She grins like she has a hunch, but I’m completely in the dark. “A certain blue-haired bassist maybe?”
Blue-haired bassist?
Nessa must see the confusion on my face because she explains. “Ugh, there’s this super cute guy, Nick, and I’ve been DYING to try him out, but he’s in a band with my brother and apparently I’m ‘off limits’ to people he knows. Freaking prison guard.”
“I’m sure he’s just protective,” I offer. It’s not a lie either, James would happily pummel anyone who hurt Nessa, that’s clear as day.
“I know, and I totally get it. Like, I’m protective of him too. Still…” she trails off, her eyes going dreamy. “But no, unfortunately, no hot musician sex for me. There’s a girl I met on a dating app and she invited me to a party. How long does one have to stay at a party before it’s appropriate to tell her I’d rather go back to her place and make her come repeatedly?” Shocked laughs burst out of Hazel and me as we debate what a realistic timeline would be. I’m not heavily invested, just insanely relieved to have the focus off of me.
They don’t stay much longer, everyone drifting off to do their own things. I do end up snuggling down with more Bridgerton, eager to watch Penelope and Colin screw up in the most spectacular of ways. It doesn’t sit right with me though.
Every time Colin does something stupid, I want to text James. Whenever Penelope stands up for herself, I want to text James. When there’s a boring scene, I want to text James. It’s driving me insane.
You barely know him. Stop getting so attached. You do not need to text him.
I think about texting Hazel before I remember how much her and Beck need to get done today. I don’t want to be a distraction. I put my phone on the floor, far out of my reach to avoid the temptation.
I can’t get my mind off of him. I only saw him this morning and something in me aches for him. I like winding him up and cracking his cranky exterior. I want to see the silly James again, the one who ran out in the snow because I dared him to but gets mad about me walking home alone in the cold.
