“It sounds like it.” I’m so tired, and it’s not my place to tell Hazel’s story. Luckily Maria seems to catch on and gets back to making breakfast. Instead of the bacon and eggs Beck was about to make, she pulls out veggies and feta and gets to work on a frittata. I sip at my orange juice and bask in the wafting aromas, content to sit in this peaceful moment, ignoring the way my own heart aches at the familiarity of this.
One by one, everyone emerges from Hazel’s room where they presumably all slept. I must have fallen asleep first and got left on the couch, which is fine by me. I needed some space with all of the memories swirling around.
Nessa grabs the largest cup of coffee known to man and starts to chug it back, not bothering to add her usual almond milk that I know Beck keeps on hand just for her. Hazel follows with a cup already in hand from Beck and folds herself into a chair at the table.
When the doorbell rings, Beck only checks the doorbell cam on his phone and shouts “Door’s open!”
Shockingly, James walks in with a brown takeout box, silently moving to the kitchen and places a quick kiss on Nessa’s head, handing her the box before he moves to Hazel. She looks at him for only a moment before the most surprising thing happens. James opens his arms and Hazel falls into them, quietly sobbing. He holds her for a moment, rubbing her back until she catches her breath.
“Thanks for coming,” she sniffles.
“Of course. I’m so sorry for your loss, Hazel. Is there anything I can do?” His face is pinched in concern.
Everyone had heard about what happened last year and how protective James got over both her and Nessa, I just didn’t expect to see it come out like this. I didn’t expect to see him share this soft, gentle side that I thought he saved only for me. I wish I could be jealous, but all I am is filled with gratitude that he’s here, supporting his friends, not afraid to show emotion or affection. Beck’s mouth hangs open though, clearly not used to James’ softer side either.
Once Hazel catches her breath, James releases her back to Beck and joins me at the table, brushing his knuckles against my thigh under the tablecloth.
“You okay?” he asks, knowing how hard this is for me.
“Yeah.” My voice is cracked, and he sees right through it. People are picking at the pastries James brought, chatting softly, and no one is paying attention to us. James leans down and wraps an arm around me, tucking me against his warm chest.
“Come on, Stella. You’re my sunshine girl, nothing gets you down,” he says gently, finger combing the back of my hair. I quickly look around the room, nervous that someone has seen us, but everyone is off in their own little bubble or not paying attention.
“I know you mean well, but today the sky is falling, and I’m too tired to hold it up.”
“Then give it to me. Let me hold it for a while.” My eyes tear up and I nod before returning to my pitiful breakfast.
While everyone stares dully at their food, I whip out a piece of paper and pen that I stole from Beck’s office. I start writing down everything I can remember about funeral planning; what they need to book, who they need to talk to, different options I had to choose from. I try to write down anything that will make navigating this next step any easier. Hazel’s mom never left a will and probably never had anything to leave her anyway.
Everyone begins to file out quietly, Hazel having passed out in the living room, napping fitfully.
Before I leave, I pull up the website for the funeral home on their laptop so they know where to start. Hazel wants this behind her as soon as possible. I don’t think she wants any of us at the funeral either. The relationship Hazel had with her mom was so strained, and it put such pressure and pain on her other familial relationships that I think it will only be Hazel and Beck who attend.
I would offer to go, but I have my limits. I don’t think I can do another one of these funerals. The loss of a parent. The mixed emotions. I’ll be such a mess, and she doesn’t need that right now.
I start the long trek home instead, slipping out the front door after a quiet goodbye.
The cold nips at my skin, but it’s not unbearable, just windy enough that there’s a light swirl of blowing snow from the cityrooftops. I pause and take a deep breath, letting the chill scrape the inside of my lungs. The dull pain is enough to ground me, to keep me from totally losing it. Snowflakes whisper kisses onto my cheeks as I stand there, listening to the sounds of the city. I allow myself a few minutes, collecting myself before I keep walking.
When I look up, expecting to see my apartment, it’s nowhere in sight. Somehow, my feet have a mind of their own and have brought me back to James’ building.
I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t want to invite myself in, and Maria’s not home, so I can’t bug her.
I could stand out here and let my feet freeze to the sidewalk.
I could throw snowballs at James’ window until he answers. Actually, I don’t know that he’s home either. Also, I was the worst pitcher on my softball team growing up, there’s no way I would hit that window.
It turns out, I don’t have to decide.
James opens the front door of the building, his face pinched and worried. I walk up the steps and past him silently, letting myself into his apartment.
I strip down to my leggings and t-shirt, wrapping myself in a blanket from the couch before huddling down. Barely a moment passes before James sits next to me and gathers me into his lap. I press my face against his chest, grounding myself in the steady, comforting thud of his heartbeat.
“You must be cold,” he murmurs, “after walking all the way here.” It comes out almost as a question. I nod into the warm expanse of his chest, refusing to pull away to look at him. “Why did you come here?”
My body goes tense. I didn’t mean to invite myself here. I don’t want to be an imposition.
“I’m not mad, sunshine. I would have driven you, is all. I want you safe.” I melt into his hold when he places a chaste kiss ontomy forehead. That one kiss melts my resolve to be strong, and I dissolve, allowing the tears to overtake me.
