I’m making progress on my speech, but talking is overrated. I can get by with grunts and my notepad.
I don’t need to talk.
He raises an eyebrow at me. “You sure about that?”
His gaze penetrates mine in a way that makes me feel like he can see every part of my twisted soul.
“Are you sure you’re not running away, Ed?”
I glare at him. That’s the thing about not talking. You don’t have to answer questions.
“Has this got anything to do with a woman?” The way he says it makes me think he knows exactly which woman.
I can’t hold his gaze, and I look away.
“She’s a sweet girl, Ed. Why the hell would you want to run away from that?”
How can I explain it to Joel? How can I explain the turmoil that’s raging inside me?
All that Joel knows of me is from my SEAL days. As a SEAL I could focus on each mission, focus on my teammates and taking life one mission at a time. Without that, I’m just another broken veteran with nothing to offer.
I look away, and he realizes he won’t get an answer out of me. Joel sighs and runs a hand over his face.
“They’re releasing some files about the incident that got you all blown up.”
I turn back to him, suddenly alert. Memories of that day flood my mind. Jake with his hand on the door. Me, seeing too late what he was walking into.
I scribble something on the pad.
It was my fault Jake went in there.
Joel shakes his head slowly. “You can’t think that way. You worked as a team. We all did.”
I didn’t see the grenade until it was too late.
I let him down.
I got him killed.
It’s the first time I’ve written it down. It’s the first time I’ve admitted it to anyone else. It feels like a burden leaving my chest.
It also feels vulnerable, like I’ve taken a chunk of my heart and laid it on the table.
Joel frowns at my words on the notepad.
“Is this why you’re leaving Avery?”
One of the many reasons but I just stare at Joel, willing him, at least, to understand.
He shakes his head. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Ed.”
But how can I not? My best friend died that day because of actions I took. How can I stay in the town where he grew up? How can I live opposite his family and marry his sister knowing I did that?
Leaving is the right thing to do.
I’ll go hiking for a few months, then figure out what kind of work a non-verbal veteran can get. Somewhere far, far away from the family I destroyed.
24
