"You think I don't know that?" I snapped.
"And ye let her leave? After tasting her?" He shook his head, disbelief clear on his face. "No wonder ye're falling apart. Once a vampire has a taste of their mate—" He stopped, studying me. "Nothing else will satisfy. Ever. Ye know that, right? Ye know what will happen?"
"I'm aware of the biology," I bit out. "And I know what she is." I shoved away from the bar and started pacing, unable to stand still. "I knew the second her blood hit my tongue. I felt it, Killian. Felt every fucking thing I've seen with you guys." My hands clenched into fists. "The possessiveness. The need. The absolute certainty that she's mine and I'm hers and nothing will ever change that."
"Then why did ye send her away?" The genuine confusion in his voice made it worse somehow.
Because she came to me bleeding and desperate, and I wiped the blood from her face and told her pretty lies about being enough, then sent her home like a coward. Because I'm still terrified of what it means to need someone this much. Because even seeing the evidence of what fighting this bond does to both of us, I can't seem to take that final step.
"I needed time to think," I said instead.
"Ye've had two days for it. How's that working out for ye?"
I stopped pacing and stared at his gloating face. "Perfectly."
"Ye look like shite."
"Thanks for the observation." Pouring the blood into the sink, I started to wash the glass.
"Ye're welcome." He leaned against the bar again, his expression changing to a mix of concern and frustration. "But let me see if I understand this. She came to ye for help. For stability. Because without ye near, her power tears her apart. Then ye drank from her and discovered she's yer mate. And she had to hunt ye down again because she needed ye, and you sent her away. Again."
The glass in my hand shattered.
I stared down at the blood welling from the cuts on my palm, at the shards glittering across the bar I'd just spent an hour polishing to perfection, and something dark and vicious rose in my chest. Fury at myself, at fate, at the universe that keeps handing me chances to do the right thing, and I keep choosing wrong.
"She deserves better than me," I heard myself say. "And it's not too late for her. She can still go on to live a normal life. I'm the only one dependent on this fucking—" I broke off, jaw clenching against the words.
Killian's expression softened. "What are ye so afraid of? What do ye think is going to happen?"
"I'll destroy her." The admission clawed its way free. "When I lose control. And I will, Killian. The night she came to my room, I wanted—" I stopped, swallowing hard. "I wanted to keep her there. Lock the door. Never let her leave. Feed from her until she ran dry. Do—" I stopped before I said some shit that was none of his fucking business. "I'll hurt her."
"And ye think those urges make ye unworthy?"
"I think they make me a threat."
"Ye think she's fragile?"
"I think she's already carrying enough on her shoulders. I think she deserves better." My voice dropped. "And I keep proving myself right by pushing her away."
"Then stop." Killian's voice was firm now, all business. "Ye've had her blood. There's no going back from that, Elias. The bond is set, whether ye like it or not. Staying away from her doesn't protect her. It weakens both of ye."
The tug in my chest pulled hard, as if in agreement. I pressed my blood covered hand against my sternum, the cuts already healed, trying to ease the ache. It didn't help.
Nothing fucking helped.
"She hasn't had my blood yet."
"That doesn't matter," he insisted. "It's done. All yer doing by not sharing yer blood is letting her age. Possibly get sick and die. Then what will ye do?"
"You know, I felt her," I admitted quietly after a moment. "That night. When she was using her power alone before she came to me. I felt her tearing herself apart trying to find Alex without me there to stabilize her." The words were raw and painful in my throat. "And even when she showed up at my door, desperate and hurting, I still sent her away. What kind of mate does that make me?"
"The kind who's scared out of his mind," Killian said, surprising me with the gentleness in his voice. "But ye need to hear what I'm saying, Elias. The bond ye have, that's not something that can be undone. The longer ye fight it, the worse it gets for both of ye. Not just ye. Yer hurting her by staying away. So go to her."
"And say what? Sorry I abandoned you after the most intimate thing that can happen between a human and someone like me? Sorry I've been hiding in my bar counting bottles while you've been suffering?" I laughed, but it held no humor. "I'm sure she'll welcome me with open arms."
"Ye're making excuses."
"I'm being realistic."
