I nodded. There was no sense denying it. "Yes," I whispered.
"Has he ever said anything or acted in a way that told you he wasn't attracted to you? That he didn't care about you?"
I shook my head.
"Then why are you so determined to push him away?"
The question hung between us, heavy with a truth I didn't want to face.
"Because I'm terrified," I finally admitted. "I'm terrified that if I let myself believe it, if I let myself have this, it won't be real. And it'll destroy me when he wakes up one day and realizes that. I'm just…" Closing my eyes, I tried to form the words to describe what I was feeling. How I'd felt for so many years. "I'm just so fucking angry at my own body that some days I can barely look at myself."
Alice wiped at my tears, her touch infinitely gentle. "You know what I see when I look at you?"
I shook my head, unable to speak past the lump in my throat.
"I see a survivor," she said softly. "I see someone who faced death at fourteen and won. Who carries the scar that proves she's stronger than anything life threw at her. I see a woman whose power is so vast it terrifies our aunt, who can walk between dimensions and pull people back from the edge of death. And I see my cousin, who is stubborn and brave and yes, angry sometimes, but who loves so fiercely she'd walk into hell itself to save the people she cares about."
A broken sound escaped me, something between a laugh and a sob. "Now you sound like Elias."
"And you know what else I see?" Alice continued, her voice gaining strength when I tried to brush off her words. "I see a woman who is so convinced she's not worthy of love that she'd rather destroy it herself than risk someone else doing it for her. You're not protecting Elias by pushing him away, Talin. You're just breaking both your hearts because you're too scared to believe you deserve to be happy."
"What if you're wrong?" The question came out small, childlike.
"What if I'm not?" Alice countered. "What if he wakes up every day for the rest of eternity grateful that the gods gave him you? What if your scar doesn't make you less than, what if it makes you more? What if he's not lying when he says you're even more beautiful for having survived? More precious for being unique. More his for trusting him enough to show him."
I thought about Elias on his knees in front of me, pressing reverent kisses to the evidence of my survival. The way his eyes had gone dark with desire, not disgust. The way he'd worshipped every inch of me like I was something holy instead of broken.
"I hurt him," I whispered. "I threw his feelings back in his face and accused him of only wanting me because of the bond. He'll never forgive me."
"You don't know that." Alice squeezed my hands. "But you'll never find out sitting on these steps feeling sorry for yourself."
A weak laugh bubbled up. "When did you get so wise?"
Her expression grew distant. "We all have our scars, T. Some are just more visible than others. But hiding from the people who want to love us despite them—or because of them—that's not protection. That's punishment. And haven't we punished ourselves enough?"
"But he told me to get out," I said quietly. "What if he meant it? What if I ruined everything?"
"Then you fight for it." Alice's voice turned fierce again. "You tell him the truth. That you're terrified and so in love with him it's eating you alive. That you said those things because you couldn't believe someone like him could want someone like you, but that you're willing to try. That you're willing to let him choose you every day if he'll let you choose him back."
"I do love him." The words slipped out, simple and devastating.
"Good." Alice smiled, the expression soft and knowing. "And it's okay to be afraid. Fear means it matters. Fear means it's real. It means it's worth fighting for."
The sun had nearly set, painting the sky in shades of amber and rose. Soon we'd need to go inside, face the coven, begin our assault on Marcus's binding points. But for now, we sat on the steps, two cousins who'd always been more like sisters.
"What if he doesn't show up?" I asked, the fear creeping back in. "What if he's already decided I'm not worth the trouble?"
"He'll be here." Alice's hand found mine again. "And after tonight, you fight for him the way he's been fighting for you since the moment you walked into that bar."
I closed my eyes, feeling the constant ache in my chest that'd been there since I walked out of his room. The thread between us was strained but not broken. Hurt but not severed.
Maybe I hadn't destroyed everything, after all. Maybe I'd just damaged it.
And maybe damaged things could be repaired, if you were willing to do the work.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"Always." Alice stood, pulling me up with her. "Now come on. Let's go inside before Aunt Judy sends out a search party. We have places to be, spells to cast, and a djinn to stop. And then you have a vampire to grovel to."
