Chapter 6
Confession time: I’ve never had a boyfriend.
Though I probably don’t need to confess that. I’m pretty sure the entire world could take one look at me and, if asked the question “Does this girl have a boyfriend?” they would answer no right away.
I think not having something only makes you want it more. I have friends who’ve been heartbroken and trampled on by guys, and they still want a new boyfriend when things with the first one blow up. So maybe there’s no escaping it. We all just want to be loved, no matter how much it might suck when you get your heart broken.
I snort to myself as I head to work a few days later. I’m sure heartbreaks suck. I can’t even imagine. And that’s just it—Ican’timagine because I’ve never even been close to it. You have to be in love before you can have your heart broken.
No one loves me.
No one crushes on me.
I don’t know why.
Maddie says it’s because I’m so quiet and I keep to myself. She swears that I’m not too ugly to get a boyfriend, but I think that’s just the kind of things friends say to other friends. Maddie is sweet, and kind. She would never say, “Bess, you’re too chubby to get a guy’s attention.” Even though it’s true, and even though it wouldn’t really hurt me to hear it, she still wouldn’t say it.
I guess that makes her a nice friend.
I send her a text, even though I’m pretty sure she’s already left for her vacation on the other side of the world.
Bess:I miss you! Summer sucks without you.
Maddie:I miss you too, chicka. We’ll hang out when I get back :-)
I don’t reply because I’m not sure if we’ll get charged for texting internationally, but the short exchange puts a smile on my face. Maddie and I met in class when she moved here last year. Although she was quickly picked up by Mindy and the popular crowd, we were still friends in class.
Although she promises to hang out with me this summer, I’m not entirely sure it’ll happen. I mean, it would be fun, totally. But she’s in the popular crowd and I am most definitely not.
Grandma and I don’t even live anywhere near Shady Heights, the uppity part of town where Maddie lives with her family in what is literally a mansion.
Still, I’m grateful for the friendship, even if I don’t belong.
Today I remembered to bring healthy snacks. I have a baggie of strawberries and blueberries for a snack. For lunch, I grabbed one of those premade salads at the grocery store. It doesn’t exactly look super appetizing, but I’m trying here.
The biggest problem in my life is that I’m overweight and it ruins my happiness. So the only way to fix that (short of tons of liposuction that I definitely can’t afford) is to go on a diet. I tell myself I can do this.
I can succeed this time. I know I can.
Just because I’ve failed every other time I’ve dieted doesn’t mean I’ll fail now. I am an adult after all, eighteen years old, and able to make good food choices.
I bite the inside of my lip as I walk into work. Thinking positive doesn’t really help. Sure, it boosts my confidence for a few minutes, but then I’ll smell pizza or see a Snickers bar and suddenly I want to eat. It’s an insane craving to eat junk food, and I’m not sure I’ll ever survive long enough to lose weight.
Usually, I’ll do really well for about ten pounds, and then I fall off the diet wagon and I gain it all back.
I hold my chin up, shoulders back, as I smile and wave at Julie. I will not fail this time.
“You okay?” Julie asks while we put price stickers on a new shipment of jewelry. “You seem like something is bothering you.”
My first reaction is to shake my head and tell her I’m fine, but then I figure that I’m not really helping myself by denying the problem.
I press a sticker to the top of a necklace box. “I’m starting a new diet today,” I say with a sigh. “It’s just depressing because I know it’ll never work.”
“Well you can’t think like that,” Julie says, her voice as happy as always. “You have to be positive.”
I smile. “Like all of these positive messages on the walls?” I say, gesturing to the wall of framed quotes.
She nods. “Precisely!”
