Chapter 24
Embarrassing things often make me cry. I’m the kind of girl who can burst into tears if my presentation at school goes even the slightest bit wrong. As of a few minutes ago, I’ve never been so humiliated in my life, yet there are no tears in my eyes.
“Thanks for coming to get me,” I say as I climb into Grandma’s car. “Sorry you had to cut ladies’ night short.”
“We don’t mind,” Julie says from the front seat. “Now tell us why you’re sneaking in here from the woods.”
In an effort to escape the mind-blowingly terrible thing that just happened, I’d ran into the woods nearest to the barn and hid there while I called my grandmother. I could hear Josh calling my name, and watched him search his truck for me, but I stayed hidden behind the trees so he couldn’t see me. I am not in the mood to ever talk to him again. It’s all just too embarrassing to think about.
“Just . . . it’s a long story,” I say while Grandma pulls back into traffic. They both give me forlorn looks before turning back to face the front of the car. I stare at my phone and ignore another call from Josh. “Someone made fun of me and I was humiliated, so I left.”
“And why were you hiding?” Grandma asks.
My shoulders fall and I slump into the backseat. “I just didn’t want anyone to chase after me and try to apologize for some jerk’s comments.”
“Hmm,” Grandma says, with a little head nod. “I wish you wouldn’t let people steal the joy from your life.”
I don’t bother saying anything to that.
***
My stomach heaves, launching its contents into the grass. Turns out liquor tastes just as awful coming back up as it did going down. I put a hand on the tree trunk as I puke up my guts for the second time in half an hour.
I’m not drunk, not even close.
Stress puking is back. I haven’t thrown up in a few years, not since junior high when being mocked senselessly made me vomit in the bathroom after lunch. Grandma said it was stress induced, the body’s reaction to being in fear.
Now it’s back. I wonder if that’s because I haven’t let myself cry. It doesn’t matter now, it’s happened and I can’t go back and undo it.
I spit one final time and then turn back to the house. So much for sitting outside and enjoying the night alone.
After Grandma and Julie brought me home, I’d convinced them I was fine and made them go back to bingo. Then I went outside hoping to do some star-gazing and put this entire awful night off my mind.
But it didn’t go away. In fact, I thought about it too much that it made me puke.Awesome.
With a heavy sigh, I walk back inside and brush my teeth, then take a quick shower. It doesn’t really make me feel any better. All I can think of is the way Bryce’s face looked, the disgust etched in his features. That’s how I’ve been expecting Josh to react to being around me, even though he never did.
And now, more than ever, I know he was sincere. I heard him yell at Bryce—hell, I let himkissme. Josh wasn’t talking to me all these weeks for some kind of bet like in a stupid movie.
I think he really liked me.
I towel off my wet hair and look up into my vanity mirror, letting that thought sink in. I kissed Josh Graham tonight. My first kiss wasn’t stupid or with some random guy. It was Josh, my email buddy, the coconut scented hot body that works a few stores down from me. I guess I can take solace in knowing that my first kiss was with someone so tender and sweet, and let’s face it—sexy as hell. Too bad I can never talk to him again.
It’d just be too humiliated. Whatever weird force of nature kept him from realizing how fat and gross I am is shattered now, thanks to Bryce pointing it out. He’ll forever look at me in a different light now, even if he did lower his standards tremendously by talking to me in the first place.
Knowing I can’t let myself see him again feels worse than if he’d been the one to make those remarks about my weight. I know he wants to talk to me, but I can’t bear the thought of it. I can’t look him in the eyes anymore, now that he knows who I am. Bessie the cow. The fat girl his best friend ridiculed mercilessly when we were kids.
My stomach flops over again and I have to take a few deep breaths to get it to calm down. For now, I am safe in my room.
I flip on the TV and grab my hair dryer, bending to plug it in by my nightstand. Hot tears sting the back of my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I’ve cried enough in my lifetime. I am better than this, better than what some stupid guy thinks of me. I’ll rise above it, especially since I plan to keep dieting.
But I should probably quit my job so Josh doesn’t get any bright ideas to show up at Aiden Jane and force me to talk to him.
While I’m blow-drying my hair, I delete my texts with Josh just so I don’t have to read them anymore. I try to focus on the show on TV, even though I can’t hear it over the whir of the hair dryer. I then try to play a game on my phone, but even that doesn’t work. No amount of doing stuff can take away the visions of kissing Josh that float through my mind. He is burned into my memory, every touch, every kiss.
A weird sound makes me look up and shut off the hair dryer. It happens again and I mute the TV. Fear claws up my throat as the sound taps on my window. Someone is outside and I am all alone.
Panic has me rooted to the bed for a few moments and then I finally get the good sense to grab my cell phone and turn it on. I go to type the numbers 9-1-1 and then a soft sound makes me pause.
“Bess? Are you there?”
My breath hitches, my phone falling to the bed. He calls my name again, this time followed by a gentle knock on my window. I have thick wooden blinds and black curtains so I know he can’t see inside.
But Josh Graham is here, waiting on me to talk to him.
