But I don’t. I take the high road and say civil.
“Um, what’s up?”
“Not much,” he says. His voice is like a slap of nostalgia straight in my face. I’m suddenly thrown back in time, talking to him in this same place in my bedroom, at this same late time, just like I did three months ago.
“So listen, Rissa, um, I just had this question.”
“Okay…” I say. He almost sounds nervous, but that can’t possibly be right.
“I just heard some stuff lately, and I was curious to know if you’re dating Gavin Voss now?”
I nearly choke on my own spit. I’m not sure if this is hilarious or terrifying or both. “Why?” I say, smiling so it sounds like I’m not as depressed as I am. “Are you jealous?”
“So youaredating him?”
I snort. “Who told you that?”
“Just heard it around. Like, that ya’ll are dating now or hanging out or something.”
I stare up at my ceiling as I lay on my bed. This is actually funny, now that I think about it. I am almost positive he’s jealous. Shawn, while totally hot and fairly popular, isn’t exactly on the same rung as Gavin on the popularity ladder. He’s probably several steps below. So even though I hate Gavin, Shawn clearly doesn’t know that, and the opportunity to make him feel crappy in a way he’s made me feel lately is just too good to pass up.
“Wow, that’s so weird,” I say slowly. “I mean, I’m like a nobody in that school, but I start hanging out with the famous Gavin Voss and now people are talking about me.”
“So, youaretogether?”
“Shawn, I’m surprised that you even care. I mean…you broke up with me.”
“I don’t care. I mean, it’s not a big deal, Rissa. I just heard some stuff and I was curious. I’m actually dating someone now, too, so it’s all good.”
I take a shuddering breath. I know he has a girlfriend, but hearing him say it just hurts me in this weird way. It shouldn’t. And I’m over him. And it’s all old freaking news. But it still hurts. I still feel rejected, not good enough, and worst of all, I feel pathetically, freakishly tall.
Maybe if things were different, and if Gavin hadn’t been a massive douchebag who lied to me, then maybe I’d feel on top of the world right now. If things were still good with him like they’d been that night we went on a date, maybe I’d laugh at Shawn and let him know how wonderfully happy I am. But that’s not life, not now, not for me.
“Well, if you’re happy then I’m happy for you, Shawn.” It’s the fakest voice I’ve ever had, but he seems to buy it.
“Thanks, Rissa. I’m happy for you, too. Gavin is a cool guy and he’s like really tall so he’s good for you.”
I grit my teeth together. God forbid you date someone because youlikethem, not because of their height. Instead of telling him to fuck off, I force myself to laugh. “I don’t know what rumors you heard, but I’m not dating Gavin. I mean, hooking up with someone isn’t commitment, you know?”
I feel so dirty saying it, talking like I’m this badass girl who dates around and doesn’t get her heart broken. But I want him to feel a little tug of jealously, the same tug I get when I see him with Mindy.
“Cool, cool,” he says quickly. “I feel you.”
“Good talk,” I say, and then I tell him goodbye.
My hands shake as I put the phone down and let my mind replay that stupid conversation a million times. Shawn clearly has old information about me and Gavin. Or maybe Gavin just hasn’t told any of his friends that I hate him now. If he couldn’t tell me the truth, then he probably lies to his friends too. He probably lies to everyone.
Even an hour after that phone call is over, I’m still in bed, staring hopelessly at the ceiling. My life feels like a rollercoaster lately. First, I was so happy with Shawn my first real boyfriend. Then he dumped me, and I went swooping down that metaphorical roller coaster. Then Grandpa and I built the greenhouse and I felt better about myself. I had a purpose and a mission. Then it was destroyed. Another hill on the roller coaster.
Then that date with Gavin brought me up the tracks to the peak of happiness. It was only about twenty four hours, but they were the best. I liked him so much it hurt.
And then it all came crashing down again.
But my life isn’t a roller coaster, no matter how much it may feel like one. In life, there’s no guarantee you’ll ever go back up again.
