My greenhouse is done. All we have left to do is haul away the old pieces and pack up the tools, and Mom said she’d help me with that this weekend since Grandpa is now too blind to be helping me haul stuff.
But as I lay here, feeling weirdly anxious and full of dread, I wonder if building the greenhouse was the easy part. I had been so excited to recreate my late grandmother’s dream, that I hadn’t stopped to realize what comes after that step.
Planting freaking flowers.
I’ve even measured out the shelves and decided how many clay pots we need to buy, but I haven’t put much thought into what plants we’ll use yet. I figured that once school started, and I drop my daycare work hours down to two days a week, I can ask the kids what they’d want. We’ll take a vote, and let them choose what to plant. Now, I’m thinking that’s not a good idea. I’d hate to get their hopes up and then plant something I can’t grow. Instead, maybe I’ll research what the easiest, foolproof plants are, and use those.
All of these stupid greenhouse worries are just covering what’s really keeping me awake.
I roll over in my bed and pull the comforter up to my face, wishing I could block out my thoughts as easily as I can close out my bedroom around me by putting a blanket over my head. It only took one day of school to run into Shawn. I guess I’m stupid, but I’d been hoping it would take months, or that maybe I’d go all school year and never see him at all.
Is it too much to hope that the universe makes his parents decide to move them out of the state?
I can’t believe he moved on so quickly, and with someone so much prettier and shorter than me. I mean, I know we only dated two months, but I thought it was going well. We never fought. I let him hang out with his guy friends and I didn’t whine about it because I know guys hate that. I wasn’t clingy, and I didn’t make him take me to expensive places on dates. I was the perfect girlfriend.
And all of that means nothing, because I know what caused this relationship to fail. Me.
Big, tall, awkward, me.
I take a deep breath and throw the covers off. I stare at the ceiling and try to just fall the hell asleep like a normal person. But I can’t stop thinking about it. Honestly, all summer long was just like this. I’d throw myself into working on that greenhouse, and I’d feel better, but then bedtime comes around and suddenly I can’t sleep.
I don’t exactly miss Shawn so much as I miss what having a boyfriend feels like. It was easy falling asleep when we were dating. I’d lay right here in this same bed, but I’d have my phone. He’d Snap me a goofy photo and send bitmoji’s telling me goodnight.
I send them back. He’d send hearts and kissy faces.
I fell asleep every night those two months feeling like someone cared about me. Now I just lay here, hating myself for being tall. Hating guys for being shallow. Hating every short girl on earth.
*
It’s only the second day of school and yet it feels like I’ve been doing this for decades. Like waking up and dragging my ass to the bus stop is the worst sort of torture ever. It’s all because I know once I get to school, I might run into Shawn and his new girlfriend. And if I do, I’ll put on a smiling face and I’ll seem happy and normal and like I don’t even care.
And it’s all just so stupid I want to scream.
Livi meets me outside as soon as the bus arrives at school. She hands me a cup of coffee. “Good morning,” she singsongs as her golden hair flows around her shoulders. It’s somehow even shiner today, and I’m betting that’s on purpose.
I take the coffee and give her a wary look. “Why are you so happy?”
She shrugs quickly and takes a sip of her coffee. “I’m trying thisfake it till you make itthing. If I act like I love school, then maybe I eventually will.”
I snort. “Good luck with that. And thanks for the coffee.”
“Only one hundred and eighty one days left of this bullshit,” Livi says as we step to the side. A group of ROTC guys are carrying a large cafeteria table outside for whatever reason.
“School just started and you’re already counting down the days?” I say with a laugh.
“Yep. Don’t underestimate the power of positive thinking. One day you’ll step off the bus and I’ll be like, ‘only one more day!’ and you’ll say, ‘wow, this year went by fast’.”
I roll my eyes. “Can that day hurry up and get here?”
Now we can’t even get into the school because more guys are carrying more tables out of the side entrance. Livi and I step off the sidewalk and onto the grass to wait for them to pass.
This is a bad thing, because my eyes wander to the parking lot, and I know I should stop them, but I don’t. I go straight for that part of the back row where he always parked his truck. And sure enough, Shawn’s truck is there, parked next to a shiny red BMW. I see Mindy climb out of her car and walk over to his truck.
My heart aches and my head tells me it’s all my fault for being so grossly tall that no guy can find me attractive. I force myself to look away.
And that’s when I see my greenhouse.
“Oh my God.” I’m not sure if I actually say the words or just think them, because I’m in shock. I can’t stop staring at it.
“What?” Livi says. A moment later she says, “Oh shit. What happened?”
At first, I think maybe the wind knocked it down. Maybe I didn’t build it as strongly as I thought I did. Maybe this is all my fault. But then, I notice the holes dotting the one back wall that’s still remaining standing. Nature doesn’t cause destruction like that. Humans do.
Someone destroyed my greenhouse.
