“I knew that this was at the end of the hike, Walker told me about it. But, yeah, it’s way more than I expected.” Tucking some hair behind my ear, he kisses me gently. “Come on,” he says, “let’s cool off our feet.”
We take off our socks and shoes and I hesitantly wade into the water. “Shit, that’s cold!” Remington yells. He jumps as his feet hit the water making me laugh. He looks at the glint in my eye as I bend down and says, “Lainey, don’t even think—” but is cut off as a cold splash of water from my cupped hands hits him right in the chest, soaking his already sweaty shirt.
“Oh, you asked for this,” he says. The look he gives me back is much more heated and determined than the playful one I delivered with my jest. I expect him to splash me back but only have a split-second to realize that’s not his intention. He scoops me into his arms and we fall backward into the deeper water.
I don’t have time to tell him to stop.
I don’t have time to warn him.
I don’t have time to try and figure out how to take a breath.
I just have time to panic.
We pop up, and I am trying to not sink back down into the lake. Coughing on what water I just sucked in, the fear is overwhelming.
I can’t breathe.
I am dizzy and disoriented.
Black spots dot my misty vision.
The water is not going to drown me, but my trauma just might.
Strong arms band around me and tug me close. My body locks up in deep fear until I hear Remington’s voice, terrified and gruff, right next to my ear. “I got you, baby. I got you. You’re okay.”
Before I can form a thought, we are on the grass next to the lake and I am coughing, crying and shaking. My heart is racing, and the fear I had in the water is still flowing through my body. I am trying to calm myself down, but I have lost all control. Remington just pulls me tight against himself and holds me through it, murmuring and reassuring me.
Eventually, my breathing evens and my shaking subsides. I have no idea how long we have been sitting here, surrounded by wildflowers, my pain, and the rushing sound of the waterfall. Birds I didn’t even notice are singing, unaffected, and the sun is not in the same position in the sky as it was before.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, not even sure Remington can hear me, but when his body stiffens, I know he has.
This is when he realizes it’s too much, I’m too much.
“Baby, please look at me,” he pleads. “Iam the one that is sorry. I am so fucking sorry.” He grips my face, rubbing his thumb along my jaw, his eyes honey-filled pools of pain.
“I can’t swim.” I look away, ashamed to admit this to him.
“I had no idea, Lainey. I would have never done that, I swear. We were just messing around and then, God. Baby, I’m so sorry.” Distress is all over him, and I hate that I am the reason for it.
“Remington, it isn’t your fault. I never told you, how would you have known? It’s embarrassing, and not something that I go around openly telling people, proudly shouting it from the rooftops. What adult doesn’t know how to swim?” I look at him hesitantly.
“I’m sure a lot of people, and I shouldn’t have assumed you knew how before doing that. Please forgive me.” He runs his hands up and down my legs soothingly.
“I forgive you, and I also owe you an explanation.”
“Lainey, you don’t have to share anything you’re not ready to.” He strokes his warm hands up and down, still comforting me, soaking into my chilled skin.
“I want you to know all the pieces of me, even the ones that are so broken they probably won’t ever totally heal. You just might not want me after you know all the damage that’s been done. Like I told you before, my family is not like your family, Remington.” I whisper his name painfully and look away at the waterfall in shame.
He turns my face back to look directly at him. “I have told you before,I know you. Who you are now,thatis what matters to me. You’re so strong and have been through so much. Everyone is a little broken, but the important thing is finding your safe place. You are mine, Lainey. And I hope I can bethat for you, too.” His words hold so much meaning, so much value.
My hot tears fall, and I kiss Remington. “Yes, yes, you are my safe place. I’ve never had that withanyone, and that’s why you get all these pieces of me. I didn’t know if you wanted them, or if I should just keep them to myself.”
“Let me carry them for you, with you—whatever will make it easier for you, baby. Just let me in, please,” he begs.
I nod, wiping my tears, ready to tell him what so few people know.
“I never went on any kind of family trips or vacations. I have never even been on a hike like this. My dad’s job was always his priority, impressing the people around him. I was used as more of a prop and a placeholder in our family. Sit here, say this, act this way, answer this way. There were rules and expectations, and if I stepped out of line I got verbally berated, ignored, and gaslit into thinking I was the problem and a tarnish to our family name that he worked so hard to polish and perfect.”
