“Good news, Sutton. You are fully dilated. Let’s get readyto welcome your daughter to the world, alright?” Dr. Barrett says cheerfully behind her mask.
Renee pats Sutton’s forehead with a cool cloth on one side of the bed and I stand on the other—sacrificing my hand again. I don’t think it will ever be the same shape after today. Refusing any medication, Sutton has been at this for hours and is beyond exhausted. I hope for her sake it doesn’t take long to push out the baby.
As the team gets into place, Sutton suddenly goes still. Renee and I look at each other. All the monitors are beeping at the same rate, but something happened.
Sutton’s chin quivers, tears start to run rivers down her cheeks, and a guttural sob shakes her, choking her as she pulls in a breath. “He should be here. He-he-he was supposed to be here. We were supposed to be doing this together.”
The whole room stills as her words destroy us. I look to the ceiling, trying to slow my own tears and be strong for Sutton. When I look around the room even the nurses are wiping away tears. Dr. Barrett is set up at the bottom of the bed, but time seems to have frozen.
Renee shifts, looking at her daughter. Taking her hand, she grabs on to Sutton’s and she places it over Sutton’s heart. “Sweetheart, he is here.Right here. Always. And in a few moments, when your daughter takes her first breath, when they lay her on your chest, she will hear your heartbeat. It is yours, but it also holds Derek and all the love you have for him, too. And that beautiful baby girl, she is a part of him, too, Sutton. She is part of both of you. A living, breathing representation of the profound love you have for each other. There is nothing more beautiful than that.” Hugging Sutton as she sobs, Renee looks at me and sweeps away her own tears, too.
“It’s time, Sutton,” Dr. Barrett says gently. “You can do this.”
Sutton takes a deep breath, resolve strong on her face, and she bears down. Pushing, breathing, and letting her tears of grief, sadness, and the extreme emotion of this moment flow.
Sutton is a pillar of strength.
An hour later she isstillpushing, and we are all getting a bit anxious.
“She is right here, Sutton, right here,” Renee says as cheerfully as possible.
“If she isright here, then why the hell isn’t she coming out!” Sutton snaps.
“Sutton, focus.” Dr. Barrett pulls her attention downward. “Give me one more good one, come on, girl, you got this.” I can see the smile in her eyes even though she is wearing a mask.
“You can do it, Sutton. I can see her, push.” I have no idea if what I am saying is helping, but Sutton squeezes the shit out of my hand and pushes. We all let out a collective cry of joy and relief as her baby girl finally slips into this side of the world, her small, piercing cry the best sound I have ever heard.
They place Sutton’s daughter skin-to-skin on her chest, right over her heart. She runs her hand up and down her tiny back and whispers, “Happy birthday, Kinsley. Daddy and I love you so much.”
40
Remington
Kinsley Renee Brooks. Six pounds eight ounces. Twenty-one inches long. And the sweetest, most precious birthday gift I have ever gotten in my entire life. Looking down at my perfect niece, wrapped in her special sheep blanket, I am in awe. She is so little. Her wisps of blonde hair are so soft. The pucker of her lips and the shape of her nose are identical to Deck.
Fuck, I miss him.I hold Kinsley a little tighter and wish this day was different for her and for Sutton. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for my sister. She has a perfect baby girl, but the man she loves is not here. Looking down at my niece I make a vow to her and to Deck to always be here for her and protect her. I can’t be her dad, but I can still be a positive male figure in her life.
After I dropped off Lainey at home so she could rest, I pick up Eli because I have a mission to accomplish quickly, and I need his help. We hit the hardware store for the supplies that I have on my list and head over to Sutton’s house. We let ourselves in with my spare key, haul everything up to the nursery, and I see the room for the first time.
The white crib is pushed up against a plain white wall, waiting for me to hopefully create something special for Kinsley. The rest of the walls are a very soft, blush pink. My mom and Lainey painted them last week. They also have boxes of supplies and decorations they ordered waiting to be put up, a bookshelf, and a rocking chair that needs to be unboxed and assembled. Eli is going to tackle those things while I start on the mural.
“Does Lainey know that you are doing this?” Eli asks me as he takes in the space.
“Nope.”
“Won’t she ask questions after she comes over when you bring Sutton home and the room is done?” He side-eyes me, like keeping my secret will be impossible after today.
“I am just going to tell her that Sutton talked to her friend and asked me to let them in to do the work. Sutton knows that I want the journal to be a surprise and not to tell her about it. I had to explain it to Sutton about the drawings I was doing so she wouldn’t let it slip. Same for my parents. They want to make sure it’s special for Lainey, so they won’t tell her before I do. My family, like you, knows my art is private, but I wanted to cover my bases, ya know?” I shrug.
“Yeah, well, girls talk. Andthose girlsare as close as you can get, so it’s not far off to think that some secrets might slip out,” he says nervously. Clapping me on the shoulder he moves over to the pile of boxes, pulls out a pocketknife, slices open the package on top, and he says, “What the hell! I thought this was all decorations and shit, man.” He groans ashe holds up nipple cream and some kind of padding for a nursing bra.
Cracking up I say, “I don’t know what’s in all that. I am sure it is a minefield of baby supplies. Sutton and Lainey have been ordering things, plus friends and family that were not able to come to her baby shower have also sent her stuff. She was not really in a headspace to be able to open them all.”
Eli’s smile falls. “I’m so sorry. I still can’t believe he’s not here. It feels like it happened yesterday and years ago all at the same time.”
“I know what you mean. Time feels totally off balance ever since Deck died. But it made me realize I don’t want to waste it, that’s for sure.” I finish setting up my supplies and slide the crib away from the wall. The girls’ plan is for a field of wildflowers and sheep to match the blanket that Deck sent playing out across the blank wall. Strokes and lines start dancing in my mind. My fingers are twitching and ready to get to work. I pick up my brushes.
“That’s why you officially moved Lainey into your house?” Eli asks, breaking my concentration.
